“Psst, Rita!” my friend Karin said as she tugged on my sleeve. I looked and saw that, in her hand, she held a folded up piece of paper. I looked her in the eyes, scared to reach out and take it. “Read it already Rita!!!” she urged, thrusting the paper into my hand. Our sixth grade teacher, Mrs. Christian, looked up from her desk and I hid the note under my Trapper Keeper. When she looked away, I quickly unfolded and unfolded and unfolded the little triangle note. I scanned and saw an “X”…and my heart stopped. It was next to “Yes!” The question I had asked Danny was “Will you go to the movies with me on Saturday?”
I don’t remember what movie we saw or what we talked about. I do remember that I asked if he wanted to do it again, and he said “Nah, not really.” I was crushed. My mom picked me up and, on the way home, she told me that girls shouldn’t ask out boys. That girls should wait for boys to ask them out. That boys didn’t like girls who were so forward. I assumed she was right since Danny declined a second date. From then on, I always waited for a guy to ask me out.
Since starting this 35/35 Project, I’ve been presented with information from all types of sources! Girls, guys, dating coaches, matchmakers, friends, family. When I asked readers to submit questions for the Question/Answer Session with the Experts (answers to be posted soon – we received so many questions, the experts are still answering), one of the TOP questions submitted was “Is it okay for a girl to ask a guy out?“
So, I decided to ask you, my readers! Here is what you said (click on VIEW RESULTS in the poll below):
The majority of you believe it should be “equal opportunity” when it comes to doing the asking out. The new, confident, Rita happened to agree. So, as many of you read, I decided to ask Jim out on a date. And he said yes! This past Wednesday night, I found myself at Kalypso’s Sports Tavern in Reston, dining under the stars with Jim, for date #27. It was great conversation! We talked about religion, our families, hobbies and passions. The date seemed to go by entirely too quickly! Except, was this a date?
The check came and he hesitated long enough that it was noticeable, so I offered to split it down the middle – which he accepted. Completely fine. (Other questions submitted were “who should pay for the first date” and “Rita, did you expect 35 people to pay your way?” Both of which will be answered when the Q&A results are posted.) Not offering to pay the tab, to me, wasn’t necessarily a sign that we weren’t on a “date”. Then as we parted ways to walk to our car, he gave me a, very brief, hug and mentioned that he’d try to make it out to a Singles in the Suburbs event at some point. I thought back to when we first met. I flirted with him, obviously, and gave him my card so he could contact me. He didn’t. He left that day saying that “he’d try to make it to a Singles in the Suburbs event.” Only, he didn’t do that either. “You can’t get what you don’t ask for” was advice I had received numerous times when I questioned people about girls asking guys out. So I did. But I was actually surprised, based on his actions from when we met, that he said yes.
But now, as I was driving home, I couldn’t help but shake the feeling that Jim may not have been looking at this as a date but perhaps just a friendly outing? So I followed up with an email that said that I too had a great time and that I hoped to see him again. To which he responded “I’ll try to make an event soon.” But I’ve heard that from him before. And I’m doubting now if he will. Or if we’ll have a second date. Or if this was even a date at all?
So I turned to the “he said” portion of my “panel of experts”, Dave Elliott. As a male, I felt he would know best if guys like girls asking them out. He whole heartedly believes that girls should not ask out men. He explained that the masculine part of being a male, includes pursuing – and asking a woman out on dates is part of the pursuit. Women should encourage men to ask them out but, by asking men out directly, they take away that pursuit. And then, you’ll get 1 of 2 results. The man will say no, because his masculinity is being challenged. Or, you’ll end up getting a man who lacks confidence to ask a woman out on his own. Which tends to be the opposite type of man women are looking for.
Even Blues Dancing Leon, in response to a question I asked him, said that it’s unattractive when women ask men out. “We are men and we need to feel as if we worked for the date, and earned it” he said. Another relationship/dating coach, Evan Katz, in his blog post titled “Should Women Ask Men Out?“, agreed and said that asking a man out makes a woman look aggressive, desperate and masculine which tends to be in direct opposition to what men are looking for from a woman in a relationship context.
It seems that all of the experts, and many of the men I spoke with, agree. Women should take action and have control – not by asking the man out but, rather, by getting the man to ask them out. Putting themselves in a position to be seen (eye contact) and giving a guy the “green light.”
Jim and I had a GREAT time! He is adorable, sweet and so interesting. I would absolutely hang out with him again. But still, I have to take note that it does not appear Jim viewed time with me as a “date.” Either because he didn’t like that I did the asking, or because he is very shy and needs a more alpha woman to make the outing a “date.” The scenario is irrelevant. What matters it that, both results weren’t what I was hoping for. I wanted a date and I wanted a date with a confident, assertive, male who would make it clear that it was a date and that he wanted to see me for a second date.
So, maybe my Mama was right (boy, she’ll love that). Maybe guys don’t like girls who do the asking and girls should wait for the guys to ask them – whether it’s a first, second or fourteenth date?
What are your thoughts on this. Especially in light of the upcoming Q&A post, I’d love to know what you think!