Sex on a Hardwood Floor (Date 7 of 35)

Taking my hand, he led me to the middle of the dance floor. He put his arm around me, placing his hand right below my shoulder-blade, pulling me close. He was tall and my head rested on his chest. We started to sway to the music. My body was tense. He bent his head down and whispered in my ear, “Relax”. He pulled me a bit closer, firmly but gently, and took my other hand in his, running his fingers up my arm to my shoulder as we swayed to the music. His foot was between mine and I felt his leg brush up against my thigh. His sways and bends were deep, passionate. I was stiff, offbeat. “Just listen…” he whispered again, his breath making the hairs on my neck stand at attention. “Close your eyes and just listen to the music.” I nodded and closed my eyes. He had both arms around me now, his hands running ever so slightly up and down my back. Our bodies were so close that they were almost one. I started listening to the rhythm, swaying…left, right, up, down. I concentrated on the music, feeling the beats inside of my head until suddenly I could feel them inside of my body. I started to sway in step with him. My head tilted back, my hair brushing my upper back. “Open your eyes and listen to my body now”, he said. I opened my eyes and he tightened his grip around my body, bent his knees and we started dipping towards the floor. I followed his lead. Swaying in step with him. Feeling my body pressed against his. His face nuzzled into my neck. He pulled back and our eyes locked. We didn’t speak. We just kept dancing. The music filling my entire body. The rest of the room disappeared. I could feel and see nothing but him. The rhythm of the music, the intensity of his movements, guiding me. I was totally relaxed. The music ended and he pulled away slowly. “My name is Leon” he said. “Rita,” I whispered. He smiled and walked away and I turned and walked to Emil, my date for the night.

I was Blues Dancing. I won’t go into detail about the history of blues dancing or even the technique. There are plenty of articles out there that can provide that information better than I ever could. I hadn’t even heard of Blues Dancing until Emil suggested it for our date. I will say, it was unlike any dance I have ever experienced. It is sensual. Sexual. Emotionally intense. Expressive. And, surprisingly, structured. Like any social dance, Blues Dancing has its own rules of etiquette. One rule is, as you finish your dance with your partner, you move on to another. Dancing with almost everyone in the room by the end of the evening. That is how I found myself on a date with Emil but dancing with Leon.

When I wasn’t dancing, I was observing. Everyone had the same foundation to their movements but no pair moved the same as any other. Some were dancing in perfect unison. Others weren’t even touching, both dancing to their own beat. Sometimes, you’d see a pair dancing simultaneously when, suddenly, one would pull back and break out in a moment of total individuality, coming back to his/her partner, again in perfect unison.

Emil was a fabulous date, allowing me to observe and absorb all that was going on around me at my own pace. He is a great blues dancer and I enjoyed watching him as he rotated to different partners, always maintaining his own independent style, while tailoring it to the individuality of his different dance partners.

Blues Dancing with Emil

Blues dancing allows you to be who you are and express yourself – even in the context of a partnership. Two people, moving simultaneously but, ultimately, being themselves, even when dancing together. If one embraces the other too intensely, his/her partner will feel stifled or suffocated and not enjoy the dance. Likewise, if one doesn’t follow the lead of the other, by observing non-verbal communication, actively listening to the movements of the other and the music, the dance begins to become chaotic and out of harmony. When discussing this post-date with Emil, he explained it best. “The best blues dances you’ll see, involve those people who move freely but within their dance space. Sometimes, independently when one partner is allowed to shine, sometimes together when the lead decides to do something that enhances what a follower can do.”

That’s what a loving, sharing relationship should be like. Like a Blues Dance. I’m definitely going back.

Don’t Overlook the Importance of a Good Landscaper (Date 6 of 35)

I was in a room surrounded by approximately 20 business professionals, all in their late 30s/early 40s. All wearing their best suits. Loafers. Ties. Heels. Pearls. Everyone was shaking hands, exchanging business cards and “making things happen.” I did my part to work the room and was relieved at the thought of it being over, when I saw him standing to the side of the group. He wore jeans, a polo shirt and a cap. He was young. Really young. I looked around. No one else was paying him any mind, at all. None. “Who is that guy?” I asked one of my peers. “Oh, Kevin? He’s just a landscaper, no one important” she responded, waiving her hand and going to take her seat.

I watched Kevin as he went to take his seat at one end of the table, sitting between a high-powered media relations director and a highly respected attorney. No one so much as turned their head to even glance at him. The first person at the table, a wealthy financial planner, stood up and proceeded to give us his 30 second elevator speech. At the end, he said that he was looking to be
connected to some high-powered CEO of some company. He sat and the next person stood. And the next. And the next. They all had different professions and a different speech, but it always ended the same. They all asked to be connected to some high-powered CEO of some company. Then it was Kevin’s turn. He stood up and I noticed that people at the table were already talking to each other! Paying Kevin NO mind. So, being me, I loudly asked “So Kevin, who are you looking to be connected with?” He said “No one right now, really. Business is really good.” People’s eyes started catching each other’s, giving those knowing glances that seemed to say “Seeeee, I told you this 18-year-old isn’t good for anything.” Kevin went to sit but suddenly pushed himself back up and cleared his throat. Everyone looked at him. Then he said “I am not looking for any business right now but, I do know “insert high-powered CEO” and “insert high-powered CEO” and “insert high-powered CEO” and a few more. He pointed at each person who had asked for those specific connections as he stated the CEO’s name. Everyone stared at him in disbelief. Then he shrugged and said “I mow their lawns.”

After Aces and I made the split official, I felt lost at how I was going to meet someone new. Yes, I know that I run Singles in the Suburbs but, for various reasons, I find it difficult at this point in time for ME to meet someone through SITS (although many others do, daily). I hate online dating too. But that’s a story for another day. Jess McCann, dating and relationship coach, asked me a very “spot on” question during our meeting on Wednesday. “If you can’t meet guys through SITS and you don’t online date, where on earth are you going to meet them?” I just looked at her, silently. I had no clue where I’d meet men. I just shrugged.

On Wednesday night, I met “Date #6”, Steve, at Woody’s Golf in Herndon to play some miniature golf at Perils of the Lost Jungle. Steve was tall, talkative and funny! The couple behind us seriously wanted to kick us off of the course because we’d get to the next hole, only to stand there and talk forever until we realized that they had come up behind us and then we’d haphazardly play and move on to the next hole, where it would happen all over again. We were disappointed when we got to the last hole so quickly and decided to go grab a drink at Carpool in Herndon to keep the conversation going.

Woody

During our conversation, I learned that Steve does improv. Specifically, that he does improv with the troupe at The Comedy Spot in Arlington. So I asked him if he knew a very good friend of mine, who also does improv with the troupe at The Comedy Spot – and he does. Pretty well actually! It was a totally random, Six Degrees of Separation, type of occurrence. Our common friend had not referred Steve for the 35/35 project.

You may think that you don’t know anyone who could help you with your “search for love” but you know more people than you think and there is a good chance that these people know someone who can give you helpful advice, useful information, another connection or, may themselves, be the one. You won’t know – and they won’t know to offer it up – unless you ask!

Think about it. For a job search, we utilize all of our connections. We put in 100+ hours a month, responding to every job posting that interests us. We e-mail our resume and specifics on our search out to all of our friends and ask them to forward it to their friends to forward it to their friends. Yet, when it comes to finding our “life partner”, we usually don’t come close to that level of investment. We just assume that we know our “personal network” and, therefore, we’d know if a friend had a potential “love referral” for us. But we don’t. (Much like everyone in the networking group overlooked Kevin’s connections.) And our friends won’t know to help us look (or how to help us look), unless we ask. (Much like Kevin wouldn’t have thought of offering up that he knew all of those people, had the group not asked.) Had I simply asked my improv friend at any point if he had any single friends that may be looking for a fun night out, I might have met Steve before this 35/35 project.

Our network is larger than we know. Ask your friends/family/co-workers for help. Yes, even in your “search for love”. Don’t assume that certain people won’t be able to help you. You’ll be surprised by who they know!

“She Said” – Dating Coach, Jess McCann, Discusses Her Initial Impressions of Rita

Jess McCann, Relationship Coach

It’s not very often I meet someone who is so acutely and unabashedly self-aware. When I sat down with Rita yesterday I had already read her blogs along with the bio I asked her to send me – both of which provided great insight into what may be keeping her single. While sitting at Starbucks waiting to meet Rita, I wondered how open she would be to some of the suggestions I was about to make. Most of the time when I meet with a new client they are, understandably, a little guarded and even a tad resistant to really face some of their self-defeating habits. To make matters worse, I had the difficult task of cramming what typically takes 3-4 sessions into one self-improving hour. Since Rita was going full steam ahead with her 35 dates, we had little time to waste.  How would she react to so much information all at once? After all I was serving her a strong cocktail of hard medicine. To my surprise she took it like a champ – swallowing my advice in one gulp, and not even asking for a chaser.

Rita was ready to tackle whatever behavior was holding her back. She was tired of repeating the same pattern over and over with men. She knew that she was part of the problem and was ready, willing, and hoping to be able to fix it.

I admire Rita’s courage. It’s not often I meet with someone so open to change. Of course you would think anyone that contacts a dating coach would be ready to make some adjustments, but nine out of ten times, people only think they are ready to change, or the change I’m suggesting is just not one they were prepared to make. Not Rita. She is not going to let herself get in her own way any longer.

We do have some work ahead of us. Rita has a developed a strong, deep-rooted pattern that slowly but surely sabotages her relationships.  She knows it, and now my job is to help her stop it. Much like a fitness trainer that not only shows you how to properly exercise, my role now is to make sure that everyday Rita mentally “works-out.” Which most people find to be the most arduous part of date coaching. When you are with a coach and you are in the midst of a session it is so easy to feel motivated to do things differently.  It’s when I’m not sitting right in front of you; when you are alone with your thoughts at the end of a long day; or when you come face to cute face with a handsome man who is all wrong for you, that the real work begins. I have no doubt that it will be tough for Rita. I told her that at times what I suggest will feel unnatural. But if she keeps her end goal in mind and trusts that I can help her get to where she wants to be, a healthy, happy relationship will be waiting for her on the other side.

For anyone interested in coaching, I will provide a discount for Rita’s Single in the Suburbs members, as well as her blog followers. You can contact me at jessmccannballagh@gmail.com and use the promotional code: Friend of Rita.  For more information on coaching services, please visit www.jessmccann.com.

All the World’s a Stage (Date 5 of 35)

At the age of four, I walked down the stairs, dressed in my Mama’s high heels, a broad rimmed hat, multiple necklaces and no fewer than six of my Mama’s nightgowns, layered strategically to swirl while I turned. In my hand I held my Fisher Price tape player with attached microphone. I paused at the bottom of the stairs with my back towards my Mama, turned and looked over my shoulder, hit the “play” button, grabbed the microphone and yelled “HIT IT!” I guess you could say that I was a “ham” from an early age.

The hardest part of acting is being yourself. There is a tendency on the part of actors to “overact”. The best way to illustrate this is with a radio show. Think of the stereotypical “WACKY MORNING DJ”. Now think of a talk show where the hosts are simply discussing topics, not as a character but as themselves. We are drawn to the later type of radio show because it’s authentic. People crave authenticity. Authenticity requires consciousness. Consciousness requires you to be focused on the “here and now.” Not the past. Not the future. Completely focused on the present.

Today I met with Dating Coach, Jess McCann. Jess and I talked about many things but one thing that she said stood out. I have a tendency to get lost in my own thoughts. I alluded to this in an earlier post of mine, “The Kiss I Missed.” I can be physically present in a situation but my mind is already racing into the future, anticipating various scenarios, outcomes and planning for the unknown. This keeps me from being “present” and “conscious” and, because of this, some authenticity is lost and I’m not entirely able to be myself.

This past Tuesday, I started an acting class for adults at the local community center. The first class focused on body and mind awareness. The instructor had us perform “isolation” exercises, where we concentrated on various parts of our body and how those parts felt, and how they moved, in different scenarios. We then explored the mind/body connection, focusing on how we felt when we forced ourselves to smile, or forced a frown. When we laughed or when we tried to cry. Some students didn’t understand the importance of these exercises and the instructor responded by saying that, when you are focused on the present, you are able to let go of self-consciousness which allows you to be a better actor. “By focusing on your body and your mind, in the present, you are able to notice things that would go unnoticed”, she said.

I met Dave after that first class, with that last quote fresh in my mind. We met at a cute Italian restaurant. He’s a foodie and I was more than happy to let him take the reigns with ordering. It was fabulous! I have a habit of defaulting to the same restaurants and/or the same meals. I’m very happy that I allowed Dave to run this show! We sat at a table in the far back corner. Maybe it was the isolation exercises, or maybe the discussions with the dating coaches or the simple act of participating in this 35/35 project. Most likely, it was a combination of them all. Whatever the reason, I felt very “aware” while I was with Dave. I noticed when my mind raced into the future and, when it did, I pulled it back into the present. Instead of listening to my internal thoughts, I used my energy to completely focus on Dave. By focusing, I found that I talked less and listened more. Not only did I hear what he said, I heard how he said it. I also saw more. I noticed the fold in the collar of his shirt. How his blonde hair curled upwards at the top of his head. How he bit his lip when he encountered a moment of silence in our conversation.

I found that, by being “present”, I was able to let go of self-consciousness and just “be myself” which allowed me to focus on Dave. By focusing on Dave, I was able to get to know his character. And it’s good. As I left our date that evening, I found that I was acutely aware of everything around me. I looked up and saw the bright moon and noticed its beauty. I felt, authentic. And it felt good.

The Present

“The more you notice about yourself, the more complete you are.”

– Stephanie Hanna

“He Said” – Relationship Coach, Dave Elliott, Discusses His Initial Impressions of Rita

Dave Elliott, Relationship Coach

“I wonder how many other connections I’ve missed out on because I underestimated myself?”
– Rita Colbert after Date 3 of 35

Wow! Before I introduce myself, I just want to acknowledge Rita for that question…after only 3 dates! I am so impressed by her writing ability…her commitment to getting outside her comfort zone and most of all…her raw and incredibly public vulnerability. Some confuse vulnerability with weakness but I would argue that the greatest strength in the world is simply the ability to stand in your own power, while opening yourself to the unfiltered opinions of others.

My name is Dave Elliott of Legendary Love For Life, and I’m the Relationship Coach who just met Rita yesterday after her 3rd date. I told her before she even started this little 35/35 campaign that she would be a different woman by the end of it – but even I didn’t expect revelations like the one above after only 3 dates! I specialize in rapid transformation and I can tell you this: the quality of your life is determined by the quality of the questions you routinely ask yourself. Ask why this only happens to you and you will find no shortage of rotten answers. Ask how many other connections you’ve missed out on because you underestimated yourself and you will quickly gain all the leverage you need to no longer self-sabotage…especially if I’m helping you.  😉

Even though we’re just getting started, here’s what you can expect to see over the coming month or so…I have been given permission to be very direct with Rita in order to best serve her and I owe her that. I am certain that she knows my intent is always to serve her, support her and appreciate the greatness within her…even when she doesn’t see it in the moment. I will teach her, challenge her and do whatever I can to coax the very best out of her. The truth is we have a few issues to address and unless some things change, the only thing one could fairly expect would be more of the same. What I will not do is turn my head away while she continues to play games she hasn’t won, can’t win and won’t ever win. I owe her that because in a matter of days, I have come to really appreciate the beautiful and giving soul that she really is…and I suspect you know that, too. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be following this little blog, either. So let’s get ready to support and cheer on Rita on her very public journey. I can promise you this: she won’t be the only one learning some beautiful, life-changing and incredibly transformational lessons along the way.

 

Dave Elliott, the founder of Legendary Love For Life, is a Baltimore-based, international Relationship Coach. If you want more information or to sign up for his free and very informative bi-weekly newsletter, visit http://legendaryloveforlife.com/

Drugs, Lincoln and the Great Divide (Date 4 of 35)

He stumbled into my room, mumbled hello and proceeded to throw-up all over my vanity. “Are you KIDDING ME?!” I screamed. He looked up, his eyes blood-shot and unable to open. He tried to say (what I can only assume to be) sorry when his head bobbed and, violently, it happened again. My friend Liz* came running from next door. She looked from Paul to me. “I can’t deal with this,” I said to her as I grabbed my sweatshirt. She nodded. “We’ve got this,” she replied.

I stormed down the hallway, tripping over pizza boxes and students studying. I mumbled under my breath as I walked into the elevator and continuously pushed the “close door button”. Why wouldn’t the damn doors close?! It felt like hours before the elevator made it to the first floor. As soon as the doors opened, I darted out, smacking into someone. I didn’t stop to say sorry. The doors to the building were too close to stop. I pushed the door open and felt the crisp autumn air hit my face. I shut my eyes, took a deep breath and walked towards the monuments.

It was my Sophomore year at GWU and Paul was “that guy”. Most women have known “that guy.” The guy that you have a crush on, who is one of your best friends, who flirts with you constantly but who, in no way, has the words “relationship” and “you” strung together in any thought that crosses his mind.

I remember walking up the steps of the Lincoln Memorial contemplating my relationship with Paul which, over the past few months, had become all take and no give. What was a mutual exchange of conversation, advice and friendship had become one-sided. Paul had also discovered his new friend, that we’ll call “E”. “It’s DONE!” I remember saying loudly, anger flowing through my body, down to the finger tips. It was midnight on a weekday. Except for a few tourists, and a few veterans with their POW flags, it was silent. I sat down on the steps and looked up, staring across the mall to the Washington Monument. Suddenly, I felt calm. The stress of the loud dorm, all of the students, Paul and his vomit all over my vanity – vanished. My head was clear and I knew what I had to do. I felt serenity. From that point on, whenever I felt stressed or overwhelmed, I turned to the monuments of DC for silence, peace, clarity.

I haven’t been to the monuments since 1998, when I graduated and moved to Chicago. Even now, living in the suburbs of DC, I rarely go into the city at all, much less to walk around the monuments. Why? Because the suburbs may as well be another planet. In a completely different solar system. That’s why I was excited when Date 4, who I’ll call “Esquire”, suggested that we meet this past Monday to take a walk around The White House. Then it came time to actually drive into the city for the date. Suddenly, I wasn’t so excited. I dreaded the thought of facing traffic on 66, of maneuvering around cars on Constitution, finding parking, paying for parking and possibly paying for a ticket at the end of it all. “Why not take the metro?” you may ask. Because driving 20 minutes to a metro station, paying for parking, waiting for a train at an off-peak time and having to do it all over again before “last call for trains” isn’t my idea of a fun way to pass time. It’s faster to drive. So I did.

I was pleasantly surprised. I left around 7 and it took me 20 minutes to get from Reston to the Hay Adams Hotel. I found a metered spot immediately (even paid for the parking by phone). Got out of my car and saw Esquire approaching our meeting place. I was pleasantly surprised by Esquire as well. Charming and funny, the conversation flowed naturally from the first words exchanged. We had a great deal in common (both attorneys and both having gone to law school in Chicago, among other things). We started our walk around The White House, actively engaged in conversation (except for the few moments when he flung himself in front of a car to save my life during the walk. One word. Sexy.). He said he wanted to take me to his favorite location in the city, which he called his “urban park”, Freedom Plaza.

The White House

It truly was an urban oasis in the middle of a loud city. As we stood there on the plaza, together we read aloud the inspirational quotes etched into the stone. As I looked around, I felt that same sense of calm that I did as a college student when I would “take to the monuments” for clarity. I felt happy. Relaxed. Why did I not go to the city more often? I decided to interview other residents of the ‘burbs to see if they felt that the same “great divide” exists between the city and the suburbs. They do. The reasons for suburban residents not going into the city often, or at all even, were consistent. Horrible traffic. Public transportation that isn’t convenient to a majority of the suburbs. The nightmare of parking. Fear of parking tickets and towing.

Yet, I had made it in to the city in 20 minutes on a weeknight. Found parking immediately, which only cost $4 for the entire duration of my visit. Didn’t get a ticket. Didn’t get towed. Have we just conditioned ourselves to think that getting to the city is a horrible ordeal when, in reality, it’s simply getting to the city at certain peak times?

The suburbs have become “my comfort zone”. Trust me, when Esquire initially asked me out I contemplated saying no just so I wouldn’t have to deal with the stress of the commute and associated hassle. I’m glad I didn’t. By breaking away from the ‘burbs, I met a great guy, enjoyed an interesting evening out and rediscovered a city that used to be a huge part of my life. Maybe the commute can be a bear at times and maybe parking isn’t the easiest thing to find. But by driving just a few miles from my front door, I open myself up to an expanded world of activities, opportunities and people.

A suburb is an attempt to get out of reach of the city without having the city be out of reach.

-Mason Cooley

There is a fabulous city, full of exciting things, within my reach and I’m going to take full advantage!

(*Thanks to Liz for cleaning up Paul’s mess by the way. You were always the best.)

We Are What We Think (Date 3 of 35)

You know that feeling when you look across a room and your eyes land on someone you immediately find attractive?  Maybe it’s what they are wearing, what they are doing, what they are saying.  Maybe it’s the confidence they exude.  Maybe it’s the sound of their voice or the way they smile.  Whatever it is, you know that you must meet that person.  Right then and there.  Without hesitation, you approach with your head held high, smiling.  They look right at you and you reach out your hand and say “Hi, my name is …”  They reach out and take your hand in theirs and your eyes lock for a lingering glance.  Your heart races, your stomach does flip-flops and the conversation flows.  You don’t even care where it’s going or what the result will be from talking with this person, you are just glad that you approached them.  Yeah, well I don’t.  I’m not an “approacher.”

This shocks most people because they view me as an extrovert.  After all, I run Singles in the Suburbs which has over 1,800 members; surely I’m used to approaching strangers?!  In actuality, these people approach me.  When I see someone who interests me, fascinates me, intrigues me – I freeze.  I imagine approaching them but I just can’t make myself do it because I get afraid.  Afraid of what?  Most likely, negative feedback. 

Let’s stop for a moment and evaluate one definition of Rita.  Rita is “someone who must be loved and accepted by others.”  This isn’t necessarily a bad definition.  Who doesn’t want to be loved and accepted?  But, when this definition over powers the others it is what keeps me continuously holding back…what keeps me from approaching certain people. 

A few weeks ago, I received an e-mail from a man named Matthew Christian Davis who eagerly indicated that he wanted to be one of my 35 dates, simply asking “which # will I be?”  He had a signature line with about 4 different webpage links.  I clicked on one, saw his photo, read his biography, saw more photos, googled him – and froze.  I couldn’t even respond.  Seriously, I could not even approach this man on the Internet!  Attractive.  Accomplished.  Intelligent.  Slightly intimidating.  He has photographs taken with celebrities, political leaders, beauty pageant winners.  And he wanted to go on a date – with me?

This past Sunday, on September 11th, we met for coffee at the Reston Town Center.  As I sat by the fountain, waiting for him to arrive, I couldn’t sit still.  I was fidgeting, pulling at the hem of my dress, fiddling with my phone.  I felt hot and slightly dizzy.    I was either having a heart attack or I was extremely nervous!

I looked up, and there he was.  I stopped breathing for a moment.  He immediately smiled, walked over to me with his head held high, smiling and hugged me.   He had something in his hand – a gift for me.  The book that he researched, wrote and published, “Best of DC” (a truly beautiful book)!  I said thank-you and asked a question so that he was tasked with talking.

Matthew Christian Davis

He was so open, discussing a wide variety of topics freely.  I’m pretty sure he sensed my nervousness so he actively engaged me in the conversation.  Within minutes of sitting with our coffee, I felt extremely at ease.  The conversation flowed freely.  I  shared with him my ideas for Singles in the Suburbs, the 35/35 Project and for future endeavors and he excitedly chimed in, validating my thoughts and opinions and expanding on my ideas.   The conversation was give and take.  Matt was no longer “slightly intimidating.”  He was simply another human being, my equal.  After an hour, I felt as if I had known Matt for years!

What draws me to Matt is that he is secure.  Matt is conscious of his value as a human being which makes him conscious of other’s value as a human being.  Today, I had lunch with the dating coach, Dave Elliott (a separate post about that meeting will follow shortly).  After listening to me talk, he said that I have a tendency at times to underestimate myself.  Specifically, I underestimate how much people like me.  By underestimating myself, I show that I do not value who I am.  By not valuing myself, I do not love and accept myself.  Rather, I seek that love and acceptance from others – which puts my happiness in their control, when it should be in mine.  Because of this, I hold back with my speech or with approaching people.

Prior to this project, I would have never approached or contacted Matt.  I would have never known his kindness or his generosity.  I would have never known Matt as a friend.  Because this project forced me outside of my comfort zone,  now I do.

I wonder how many other connections I’ve missed out on because I underestimated myself.

Free to be ME! (Date 2 of 35)

Like everyone else, I remember where I was on September 11, 2001.  I remember watching the planes hit the towers, feeling the fear when one hit The Pentagon and feeling absolute sorrow when the final flight crashed into a field.  Like everyone else, I spent a good portion of today, the 10th anniversary, watching the dedication of the memorial, the old news footage and reliving my emotions from that horrible day.  Every day, but today especially, I am grateful.  Grateful that I am American.  Grateful for my freedom.

I really contemplated on the concept of freedom today and what that means to me.  That got my mind to wandering and I started thinking of what freedom means when you put it into the context of dating or a relationship.  So I asked.  I asked my friends.  I asked my singles group.  I even asked random people who were walking down the streets of The Reston Town Center.  The results surprised me.  Every single person that I talked to defined “freedom” as NOT being in a relationship.  Specifically, not having accountability to someone.  Not having to “check in” with someone or have someone inquire about your day, or your whereabouts or where you were/are going and what you were/are doing.   When Aces decided to leave (that’s a blog for another day), he even said the same thing.  During our break, he missed ME but he didn’t miss US.  When I asked what about “US” he didn’t miss, he said “I liked not having to tell someone where I was going and what I was doing.”  Apparently, the majority of people view “freedom” as being unattached.   So then, can you really not be free if you are dating or in a relationship?  Does a relationship cause us to lose the ability to be ourselves, unfiltered?

In thinking back over my dating history – whether casual dating or in a relationship – I was struck by the fact that I constantly curb my individuality in a dating/relationship situation.  In those situations, I’m constantly concerned, and focused on, my appearance, both outward and inward.  Concerned with my wardrobe, my physical attributes, what I say, how I say it.  I’m always worried that I’ll look like an idiot if I talk about a certain subject or if I participate in a certain activity.  I’m worried if I’ll “lose” the guy or that I’ll turn him off, or frustrate him, or make him mad.  I’m completely focused on his perception of me and tailor my actions to meet what I think his perception is (or what I want it to be) – guarding myself and filtering myself from being “simply me”. 

I was like this on Date #2.  David suggested that we go golfing.  I had never picked up a golf club until last May, when I enrolled in a session of beginner lessons and, since then, all I had ever done was the driving range.  The last time I had done that was June.  I said that I loved the idea of golf but had never played on a course, so perhaps we should stick to the driving range. David pushed that aside, reminding me that the purpose was to get outside of my comfort zone – and I reluctantly agreed.  Immediately, I was flooded with fear of how I’d look to him while I was attempting to hit a ball (and failing), that I would frustrate him, embarrass him…I was not looking forward to hitting the golf course!

That fear was NOT made easier when I met David.  David is extremely handsome, tall and can hit a golf ball like no one I’ve ever seen.  As we warmed up on the range, I just KNEW that this was going to be a disaster.  I was dreading the moment we stepped onto the course – knowing that once he saw the lack of golfing skills that I possessed, he’d NEVER be able to look at me as a potential “date” ever again. 

The moment came and it was time for us to hit the course.  I was SO self-conscious!  I didn’t want to bend over the wrong way in case it was an “unflattering” position.  I didn’t want to hit the ball and miss it.  My mind was just a chaotic mess of thoughts and I was focused on everything EXCEPT hitting the ball.  And my game suffered.  Terribly.  (Yup, that concern of how I appeared was really helping make sure that I didn’t look like an idiot.  Again, insert sarcasm here.)  Suddenly, I realized that I already “looked” like an idiot, at least a golfing idiot.  There was really nothing that I could do at that point to mask that reality.  

David was great.  He was so PATIENT.  And so kind!  He let me fumble, fail and didn’t once get frustrated with me.  Instead, after watching me hit a few holes, he asked if he could give me some pointers.  He started showing me how to tweak my stance, my hit, the club I used and, as he did so, I found myself focused on the mechanics and the game – and forgetting that I was on a “date.”    Basically, at that moment, I let go of all of my inhibitions.  I was open to doing whatever it took to drive that ball clear across the course.  The minute that I did that, I became free!  Free to be myself.  Free to play the game.  Free to have fun!  I hit the ball – and it FLEW across the course.  Even David let out his surprise.  And that wasn’t the only time I was able to drive the ball a good distance.  I was having FUN.  It was also at that moment that I realized that I hadn’t felt that free in a long long time.  Well over a decade.  I felt confident, I felt secure…and I didn’t need to cling to anything familiar (AKA the driving range) to feel that way! 

“The secret of HAPPINESS is FREEDOM.  The secret of FREEDOM is COURAGE.”  – Thucydides

To try something new – takes courage.  To let go of your inhibitions – takes courage.  Once you have courage – you are free.  Once you are free, you are happy. 

To me, now, the concept of “freedom” in the context of a relationship or dating does not mean space.  It does not mean being single or unattached.  It means having courage.  Courage to be completely at ease with yourself. Courage to remain independent.  When you do this, you are then able to SHARE yourself with someone else (instead of being dependent on someone else to be someone yourself).  You are able to find individuality WHILE maintaining a relationship (whether one date or many years).

David’s personality gave me the courage to be free which enabled me to experience something new!  Not only did I have fun, but I gained a new golf buddy.  David and I will absolutely hit the course again and, with my newfound appreciation of letting go of my inhibitions, he may have some serious competition!

Ready to hit the course!

Stupid Susie! (Date 1 of 35)

I looked at the tea kettle sitting on the top of the fridge. My eyes narrowed, my face contorted into a snarl, I started tapping my foot and I stood up, stomped over to the fridge in my heels (that were 5 sizes too big) and grabbed the kettle and slammed it on to the stove. “NO Susie, the tea kettle goes HERE!” I made a cup of tea and looked at the kitchen table. Again, my eyes narrowed, I pouted and stomped over to the table. “NO Susie, that is NOT how you set the table for tea!” After tea was over, I started washing the dishes. I looked over my shoulder and loudly sighed, “NO Susie, you have to clean up BEFORE you take a nap!” Susie had no idea how to be a good guest! She was messing up EVERYTHING. I was an angry hostess. I was also 4. And Susie wasn’t real.

I have control issues. I’m a planner. For any situation, I have a detailed, carefully thought out, plan to guide me from beginning to end. From how to keep a house, to schooling, to career, to friendships to relationships – my plans are carefully calculated to ensure that things turn out as I intend. If things start drifting off of my clearly defined path, I freak out. I am then overcome with anger, frustration and stress. I don’t like anger, frustration or stress.

I felt this yesterday, prior to Date 1, Eric. Eric e-mailed me a few hours prior to our date to express concern about it going as planned, due to the horrible flooding of many streets in our area and he asked if it might be better to move it to the next day. A PERFECTLY legitimate, and quite thoughtful, inquiry. I immediately felt my eyes narrow, my lips pout and my foot started tapping. In my head I thought “NO Eric, Date 1 happens on DAY 1!” I got on the horn with my friend Marlene, complaining that the 35/35 project was already destined for failure. What a stupid idea! How had I ever thought this would work?! She ever so gently pointed out that, perhaps, I was putting my needs before Eric’s, only seeing how I was being impacted by his request to reschedule instead of seeing how, perhaps, driving on flooded roads could impact him. She also pointed out that I was exhibiting an extreme amount of “control freakishness” over a situation that was already, entirely, within my control. I created the 35/35 project and I could have it play out however I wanted it to. I didn’t have hard rules that I had to follow – so why then was I allowing myself to get angry, frustrated and stressed by a simple request?

I control because I want things to go my way. I want things to go my way because I know what’s best for me. I was mad at Susie, my stupid friend – my stupid, IMAGINARY friend, because she didn’t throw a tea party the way that I knew was best. I have been upset at friends for not adhering to my idea of a “perfect plan”, assuming that they were attempting to keep me from what was best for me. I’ve lost boyfriends because they didn’t stick to my plan for a perfect relationship – my ideas for holidays, my ideas for dates, my schedule and timeline for our future (all of which were calculated to arrive at what was best…for ME). And I was almost about to lose Date 1 of 35 because he wasn’t sticking to my “perfect plan” of how this whole 35/35 project should play out.

I am single. I live with my mother (the topic for a future post). Yup, my controlling ways have sure worked – everything has turned out just as I have intended!! (Insert sarcasm here). Perhaps it’s time to recognize that I may just not know what IS best for me after all.

I sat at my desk, about to compose a response to Eric when I decided to take a first step to changing my ways. After all, to change your results you have to change your actions. So, I took a deep breath and trusted that things would work out okay without me having to manage them to make sure that they did. “Sure thing Eric. Let me know if it’s easier for me to come out to you or we can reschedule for another day.” SEND.

We ended up going out as planned. We met at The Epicure Cafe in Fairfax, a unique little cafe with tasty food, beer, wine, outdoor hookah, local art, comedy, open mics, and live music almost every night. Eric was pleasant company and extremely interesting! I listened in awe as he talked about his month of spanish immersion in Costa Rica, his years of ballroom dancing, his love of golf, his frustration with golf and the extremely interesting articles he’s written and had published for his job. And to think that I almost let the date get cancelled all because he proposed to reschedule – in concern of my safety on bad roads. Forget “Stupid Susie!” STUPID RITA!

I need to TRUST that, without my managing and control, things will work out okay on their own. I need to go with the flow. It’s the only way that I can open up to wonderful possibilities that I would not consider existing in my definition of a “perfect plan.”

“Force yourself to hang your control-freakishness on a hook and embark on a journey of experimentation.”

-Paul Grieco

-R

Side Note: Luckily, I’m going to have help on this journey of experimentation. Jess McCann, a highly successful dating coach, and Dave Elliot, another successful relationship and life coach – are going to follow me through the 35/35 project providing me with their honest assessments and recommendations for how I can make the most of the experience and be the best version of myself that I can be. Not only for my own personal growth, but to ensure that I’m providing true value to the men who have graciously offered to be the dates for this project. It’s not going to be easy but I’m ready to change my ways because I want new results!

Meet Susie

Epicure Cafe