Martini, Fashion and Stray Cats and Puppy Love

For those of you who are new to my blog, let me introduce you to one of my favorite blog days – Fusion Friday!  Fusion Friday is a “grab bag” theme day.  Sometimes, I will have guest bloggers.  Other times, I may review a product geared towards dating, social networking or being in a relationship.  I may introduce you to a new topic, a new place, a new idea.  It’s really a day where anything and everything is on the table to discuss!

 

 

I’ve gotten many e-mail inquiries regarding Stray Cats and Puppy Love so I’d like to take a moment to update you on the event, as well as my overall progress!  As many of you know, I was asked to be a fundraising model in the Fashion for Paws® (F4P) Runway Show benefiting the Washington Humane Society (WHS).  I’m still confused as to why it is that someone would want to see me in a fashion show.  But, as I recently told you in my post, “I Do my Little Turn on the Catwalk,” opportunities and people cross your path for reasons that are often not readily ascertainable.  Because of my 35 Dates project, I was asked to participate in Fashion for Paws 2012!  Who knows what exciting, life changing, opportunities may result from agreeing to be a fundraising model!  So I accepted the invitation!

As a fundraising model, in order to walk the runway, I must raise $5,000 dollars.  Not one to be deterred, I brainstormed “Stray Cats and Puppy Love” a hearty party for singles and couples to benefit The Washington Humane Society!  It was for singles looking for a cool place to be on Valentine’s weekend and couples wanting to be where the party’s at!  And boy – was it a party!

Over 100 people attended the event and I’m excited to say that we raised $3,000.00, which will all be donated to benefit the nearly 30,000 homeless, lost, neglected and abused animals WHS cares for each year in the Washington, DC region! 

 

 

Iris Lounge was a great event venue – providing free food for attendees, drink specials and donating both a Kindle Fire and a wine/cheese party for 10 valued at over $750 as two of our main raffle prizes (congratulations Jenn and Echo) and over $300 in gift certificates for our general raffle!  The staff was completely supportive of our mission and did all they could to make sure Stray Cats and Puppy Love was a success!  Over 30 other local businesses contributed prizes for our general raffle, and Chef Jose Andres donated an all-inclusive dinner for 2 as a grand prize raffle (congratulations Kelly).

 

SingleTease Conversation Starters

 

There was fabulous food, delicious drinks and dancing all night long!  Karen Dobson provided attendees with complimentary tarot card readings that everyone declared as “dead on!”   SingleTease donated Single Cards for everyone in attendance, and boy were they being passed around!!  The party was a success and I’m very honored that so many people came out to support me in my endeavor as a fundraising model!

But, I found out that if I reach my fundraising goal of at least $5,000, Martini can walk the runway!! 

 

Imagine Martini on the Runway!

 

So, I still have (at least) $2,000.00 more to raise – and not only because Martini is itching to strut his stuff on the runway but, because, all funds raised will go to support vital programs such as Humane Education, Human-Animal Rehabilitation, Humane Law Enforcement, low-cost spay/neuter, sheltering and adoption!

There are MANY ways that we can raise the funds!   These include:  A) Corporate Sponsorships; B) Tables at the event; C) Tickets to the event; D) Ad space in the program book and E) general donations!  And let me tell you – this event is one that you won’t want to miss!  Tickets SELL OUT, so if you’d like to secure your seat to this event supporting a fabulous cause, secure yours today!

You can find out more here:  http://support.washhumane.org/goto/RitaColbert

Even if you aren’t able to personally donate, I ask that you send this on to anyone that you may know – and that they send it on to anyone they know as well.  This cause means much to me and I’d love to at least reach the minimum fundraising requirement to help WHS.

Martini and I thank you for your support!

Love,

Rita & Martini

Pillow Talk with Tim Young

 

I’m excited to bring you my second “Pillow Talk!”  This week, I’m talking with a talented, local stand-up comic, writer and political pundit, Tim Young.  Tim has something to say about everything.  His Twitter is @Timrunshismouth and that generally holds true.  He’s made a name for himself, not only on stage, but through the multiple publications and TV shows he’s appeared on.  He’s also known for LiveTweeting some of the worst dates that he has witnessed in public.

 

 

Tim Young

 

 

Rita:  You were supposed to be one of my 35 dates, but you bailed.  What’s up with that?

Tim:  I regret that decision every day of my life.  I look at your photo each morning while I drink my coffee and think “Tim – what did you do?!”  Then, at night, when I cuddle with your photo close to my heart, I cry myself to sleep knowing that I missed my opportunity to have you next to me.

Fine, he didn’t say that.  Here was his real answer:  I was supposed to be your 9/11 date.  Isn’t that a good enough excuse?  It was 9/11.  You can’t question 9/11!

 

Rita:  Don’t tell me what I can question, Tim.  So, many people know you for your stand-up comedy.  What comedians, and people, inspire you?

Tim: Tons. I love Patton Oswald, Andy Kaufman, Bob Hope, Bill Cosby, Jerry Seinfeld, and David Letterman just to name a few.  Each of these comedians have a completely different style and each of them were the top of their game.

I’m also inspired by people who drop everything and take the risk to pursue their passion. It’s the most difficult thing anyone can do, you know, going against societal pressures to sit in a 9 to 5 all day long and do whatever everyone else is doing.  So when you step out of that box, you’re on your own and you may be the only person who believes that what you are doing is right.  So those people really are some of the bravest in the world.

 

Rita:  Would you say that your view on women is the same as your take on comedians….equally appealing so long as they have their own style, are at the top of their game, and take risks? Or do you tend to default towards one type of woman, style, game?

Tim:  I definitely don’t have one type of woman, so I guess yeah, I have the same view on women as comedians, who you can’t really compare to one another as such because each has their own style.  Some suck though.  A lot of them suck.

 

Rita:  What advice do you have for those trying to get into stand-up comedy?

Tim:  Don’t.  It’s an insane business to get into.  You don’t make money for a long time.  A long time.  First, you have to learn how to sort through some real dirt-bags and low-lifes in order to get 5 minutes of stage time.  You start off on shows where you sit through 15 other stand up comics who may or may not be funny and may or may not steal the jokes that you took hours to write.  Oh and you have to be nice to everyone because you never know where anyone could end up.  If you’re lucky enough to have promoted yourself properly, which takes up all your time, you might land a 10-15 minute gig that pays you $20 where you are expected to have 10 of your friends come see you.  Getting to that gig will also cost you roughly $30 in gas.  And by the time you wake up and realize you have been working your butt off for 3-4 years at comedy, you will have lost at least 1 or 2 girlfriends and half of your “friends” will have turned on you because you “just wont grow up,” and have a regular job and family just like them.

Wait.. sorry I blacked out there for a second… What I meant to say was, try your best and believe in yourself.

Rita:  Haha, the way you talk about being a stand up sounds a lot like MY dating life. Sort through dirt bags and low lifes to get 5 minutes of time with someone…having to be nice, and promote myselfproperly just to get a 10-15 minute gig that ends and I have to start all over again!! Why do you think it is that so many people in this area claim to have such an impossible time dating. Do you think it’s DC specific?

Tim:  Well, women outnumber straight men in DC so that is an issue right out the gate.  I don’t think people want to, or are that aggressive with one another after a long day at work….they want something to be handed to them.  That just doesn’t happen, so it’s easy to write off dating as impossible rather than put in extra effort to be aggressive and find someone you match with!

 

Rita:  I’ve heard that you are currently out there looking for a lady friend…how’s that going?

Tim: It’s going.  A lot of the women I meet in DC are either too easy, yes I said that, or too jaded by dating.  I can’t seem to find that middle ground.  I get scared off by women who are too sexually forward on a first date.  I think I lose a man-card for saying that right?  I have the same belief with groupies as I do with women who put it out there so easily.  If you are going to do that with me, you’ll probably do that with anyone.  So that’s a deal-breaker for me.

I also don’t like women who hate the concept of getting to know someone or that view me as a comic all the time.  On stage or whatever I’m a character.  Granted it’s similar to my actual self, but I don’t try to be funny when I’m not performing. Some women don’t get that.

 

 

Rita:  How is it that women aren’t getting to know someone?  What are the not doing?  What should they be doing?

Tim:  Women assume things about me and I assume then that applies to other guys they go on dates with. Take time to learn a person.  With me, they assume I want to be funny all the time because I’m a comic.  I don’t.  You don’t go on a date with an accountant and ask them to do your taxes at the table…  Women should come in with a blank slate and give and take to learn and share with the person they’re out with.

 Rita:  And the DC ladies are either easy or jaded?

 Tim:  Women either want to have sex right away or hate dating and that comes off immediately.

 

 Rita:  What qualities do you look for in your potential partner?

 Tim:  There are the cliché things like smart, funny, attractive…but I really need a woman who is tolerant of me.  Whether it be when I need to write something or be on the road, or the fact that I do love childish things like video games, cool action figures, etc.  I don’t pretend to be someone I’m not and I need someone who likes me for who I am.

I also like a woman who is confident in herself and not jealous.  I interact with a lot of women all the time, so she needs to know that I won’t run around on her.  She also needs to be able to tell me when I’m wrong, when I’m wrong.  I like directness and someone who stands up for herself if I do something stupid…which I probably will do at some point in a relationship.

 

  Rita: When you describe your perfect partner, it kind of sounds…selfish Tim.  A woman to give you everything that you want….to let you do everything you want…..I don’t really hear you talking about what you can give a woman?

 Tim:  Wait wait wait….I added that I wanted a woman who stands up for herself.  I think if you meet the right person, you’ll both be able to get away with doing a lot of the things you do on your own, just together.  And I think people should be selfish when they are looking for someone to date.  If you choose to share your life with someone, you should get what you want in return right?

 

Rita:  Have you ever been in love?

Tim:  Yeah, with a woman I sat next to through most of law school.  She had feelings too, but had been seeing someone else for years who she ended up marrying.  My rejection there was what really changed my mind about how I deal with relationships.  I know that love is subjective to each relationship, but I don’t think I’ve really ever felt the same way about someone since.  Man, that sounds like I’m damaged.  I’m really not.

Rita:  How did your experience with her cause you to change your approach?

Tim: I feel like I wasted a lot of time with her and that I set myself up for failure.  I should’ve known that I couldn’t have won her over.  I no longer overlook things like that and I’m more protective of myself.  Before I would just open up and allow myself to feel a certain way, now Im a bit more reserved.

 

 Rita:  If a girl would like to meet you, how can she best capture your attention? 

Tim: I had a woman email me on Facebook recently after we met at a book event.  I was definitely attracted to her when we met and we lost contact after the event was over so she took the initiative to find me online and shoot me a note.   That was pretty cool.

I’m really big on women asking me out.  I think aggressive women are hot and I’m usually too busy to pay attention to subtle signals that women might send.  So just approach me.  It’s that easy.

 

 

Rita:  So you like aggressive women, just not sexually aggressive?

Tim:   I have no problems with sexually aggressive women.  I just get mixed feelings about someone who wants to have sex within the first 90 minutes of me meeting them.

 

Rita:  The topic of “celebrating being single” has come up often on this blog.  How does Tim Young celebrate his singleness?

Tim:  I take trips with “my favorite person…” me.  Generally they’re when I’m on the road for comedy, but I like to spelunk through towns alone and meet tons of new people.  I learn what’s cool in cities and generally go to some awesome places.  

I like being on my own and doing my own thing at my own pace.  It’s not a bad deal. 

 

 

 Rita:  On these trips, where you like to go out and meet new people, how do you do it? How do you approach? You know I agree fully with this concept, but so many people have a hard time approaching strangers…even if it’s just for friendly chit-chat.

Tim:  I talk to everyone all the time.  It just comes with the territory of being a comic and constantly having to hustle.  I’ll sit at the bar in a restaurant or I’ll talk to people in coffee shops and at airports on the way in.  It’s odd for me to not know how to do that because I’ve done it for so long.  I guess what I would say to someone who needs to break out of their shell more is that the worst thing that can happen is that they scream and run away, so just go for it and talk to whoever you feel like talking to.

 

Rita:  When you travel for your shows, have you noticed a difference in the way that people in DC approach dating, as opposed to those in other areas of the country?

Tim:  Hell yes.  There are huge differences.  I think it has a lot to do with ratio of women to men in a city.  I get a frantic feel from women in NYC and DC.  Like they need to sign you to a long-term relationship deal as soon as possible.  Maybe because professional women outnumber men in those two cities.  My hometown of Baltimore happens to have the worst attitude of the women that I have met, just that they think they are something they are not.  The south is very much so the same stereotype of more women who are willing to be homemakers than professionals.  And you would always be shocked that women in Los Angeles, who are all for the most part strikingly attractive, but all look the same, are shocked to be hit on.  Did I cover all the regions there?  I bet I offended someone. 

DC also has that group of people with the “I’m better than you attitude,” who think they’re important but they don’t really know anyone…most people will know what I’m talking about.  Those women are unapproachable and don’t deserve to be approached.

Oh you can just assume that men react accordingly in those areas.

 

Rita:  What advice/encouragement would you give to someone who is single and looking?

Tim: Well, if you’re a guy, especially in DC, you have the best pool of successful, independent, attractive women to pull from. 

I always say go to your favorite place to hang out to meet the partner you want to meet.  Where better to meet them right? 

And never settle for less than what you’re worth.

 

Rita:  As you know, I’ve debuted a new feature, Rita’s Date Guide for Guys. What are some tips you have for guys in terms of how they can step up their game in the dating world?

Tim:  Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not.  Don’t put on a show on a first date.  Be comfortable in your own skin.  I think the best way to step up is to calm down.  Let someone see you for who you are and not some sort of over-compensating jerk.  I hear the over-compensating jerk  line  a lot from female friends. 

 

 Rita:  Any tips for the ladies?

Tim:  Be aggressive when you meet someone that you want to know more about.  It’s whatever the term is for the decade of the twenty-tens…. It shouldn’t always be on a guy to ask you out.  Also, respect yourself.  Don’t tolerate someone or something that you know is beneath you.  

 

 

Rita:  What is your recommendation for a great DC date?

Tim: I don’t want to give my good one away, but I guess I can.  I have on more than one occasion walked the mall then had a late picnic in front of the Washington Monument watching the sun set on the Lincoln Memorial.  Bottle of wine and something from Whole Foods and the whole thing only costs you $30-40.  You can’t beat it.  Honestly, you can’t. 

And if I see anyone else out there who took this suggestion when I bring a date there, ya’ll better clear out.  I claimed it first.

 

 Rita:  How do you approach a gal who you want to get to know, to get her to go on this great date?

Tim:  I walk up to her and say hi.  I generally have some sort of funny observation about something going on around her.  I also love to pick up the rebound shot.  If there is a woman I’m attracted to at an event or a bar, I think there is no better way to meet her than watch another guy strike out first from a distance, then drop in and make a witty remark about how she’s on a roll shooting guys down.

 

Rita:  What inspires you in life and love?

Tim: In life I think it’s those people who have taken serious risks and succeeded.

In love it’s honestly one couple that I know, my friend Jeff Roth and his wife Brittany in Austin,TX.  I have never met a more equally matched couple who just live an awesome, happy, wacky life together.  I think everyone should be as lucky as them to find each other.   They are the best example of so many positive things about relationships that it shows me that there is such a thing as the perfect couple…and I want that for myself.

 

 Rita:  Thanks Tim for talking with me today. You touched on a few subjects that I know are hot buttons for ladies, like them making a move to ask a guy out! Will be interesting to hear their feed back. But thanks for being so open…want to go have sex?

Tim:  Hold on I think my phone is ringing.  Yup there it is right there, ringing.   I need to take this.  It sounds important, with the ringing and all.

 Rita:  And it’s not even 9/11….

 

 

Feel free to leave your comments on any of the topics above!  I want Pillow Talk to be an interactive forum where we can all relate to each other and learn from one another.  Have someone you think would give good “Pillow Talk?”  E-mail me at Rita@singlesinthesuburbs.com with their information!

 

I Do My Little Turn on the Catwalk! (Rita’s Weekend Pick)

I hope to see all of you this Saturday, also known as “Valentine’s Weekend” for my third annual charity event, Stray Cats and Puppy Love!  I’ve got my new, sexy red, dress and am ready to flirt the night away to support The Washington Humane Society!  Be sure to stop by and give me a “kiss for a cause” when you arrive! I’ll be in the mood to smooch!

 

 

This year’s event is to benefit The Washington Humane Society and it’s all because I find myself a runway model for Fashion for Paws 2012!  Can you imagine ME on the RUNWAY?!  Actually, I will tell you a secret – I’ve imagined something like this all of my life!

 

Striking a pose since birth!

 

When I was five, I would glide down the stairs, dressed in my mother’s nightgown, a pair of her heels and strands of gold, shiny, plastic beads.  Placing my hand on my waist, I’d stick out my hip, press play on my Fisher Price tape player and yell “Hit it!”  Strutting down the hall, I’d look over my shoulder and pout.  I was the best model I knew! 

 

 

 

When a friend suggested that I walk as a fundraising model in The Washington Humane Society’s Fashion for Paws Fashion Show, I was hesitant. Why on earth would someone want ME in a fashion show?  When another friend e-mailed me suggesting the same thing, I was intrigued.  The fundraising models are people “of interest” in the DC area and, apparently, my 35 dates in 35 days project makes me interesting. 

 

 

 

My 35 dates project taught me that opportunities and people cross your path for reasons that are often not readily ascertainable.  Because of my 35 Dates project, I was asked to participate in Fashion for Paws 2012!  Who knows what exciting, life changing, opportunities may result from agreeing to be a fundraising model!  So I accepted the invitation!

 

Within days, I was signed, sealed and delivered – with one condition.  As a fundraising model, in order to walk the runway, I must raise $5,000 dollars.  Not one to be deterred, I brainstormed “Stray Cats and Puppy Love” a hearty party for singles and couples to benefit The Washington Humane Society!  It’s for singles looking for a cool place to be on Valentine’s weekend and couples wanting to be where the party’s at!

 

 

 

There will be:

– Free food
-Drink specials
-Dj/dancing
-Raffles (with prizes donated from over 20 area businesses)
–Grand prize raffle for a VACATION PACKAGE (donated by Iris Lounge)
–Free tarot card readings
-Contests
and MUCH more! 

 

For a $20 donation by purchasing advance tickets, or a $25 donation at the door, you can help care for abused, abandoned and homeless animals throughout the DC region.

You can find out all of the details by reading the event description, here, http://straycatpuppylove.eventbrite.com 

Please let everyone know – the event is open to the entire community! 
Can’t make it, but still want to donate?  You can do so at the link above as well!

 

Come ready to dance your heart out!  It’s going to be a great evening!

 

Pillow Talk

I had no idea how much my life would change from going on 35 dates in 35 days.  But it did. 

 

Over the next few weeks, I’ll be giving you more details and insight into the extent of the changes (that continue to happen almost daily!)  One thing that continues to amaze, and move, me is both the quantity and quality of people that I’m meeting, that I would not have met in any other way save for the project and this blog.  Not just the dates, although the 35 men who participated are delightful and I am a lucky lady to have met each and every one!  But, really, everyone I have encountered (and continue to encounter), whether they crossed my path on one of my dates, are a reader of this blog, elect to follow, and interact with, me on Twitter or Facebook or have reached out to me as a result of interviews and articles, or started to participate in Singles in the Suburbs events.

 

The more people I meet, the more I interact with them regarding all of the topics that we have broached over the past few months on this blog, and the more I learn.  I am constantly amazed by their insights, perspective, advice and stories. 

 

Then one night I thought, why should I be the only one to benefit from these great conversations and interactions?!  Hence, the creation of my new Thursday weekly feature, “Pillow Talk.”  Every Thursday, I’ll bring you an interview that I’ve conducted with a local “single person of interest.” 

 

 

 

They may be famous (Chef Jose Andres recently provided me with a list of some famous, single chefs, who are more than ready to dish on being single in the DC metro area), or they simply might  be a random person that I had a discussion with at a coffee house.  No matter what, they will be interesting and their perspectives on dating, love, relationships and DC will be relevant and hit home with the readers of this blog!

 

This week, I’m excited to bring you Rita’s first “Pillow Talk” with a talented, local photographer (who we will call “Paparazzi” for this interview, as she has elected to be candid over being known) who lives in Maryland and works in Northern Virginia.  A commercial photographer since her last year of college, she now works mainly in the custom motorcycle industry.  I can say that I have never interacted with a more honest, opinionated, loving and friendly person than Paparazzi and I’m excited to share with you her thoughts on life and love in the DC area!

 

 

Paparazzi doing what she does best!

 

 

Rita:  Thank you for taking the time to chat with me today! I think that you have some great insight into the nuances particular to dating (or not dating) in the Washington, DC area! Not sure if you remember, but the first time we met was on one of my 35 dates!

 Paparazzi:  I definitely remember!  After I met you, I thought 35 Dates in 35 Days was something that I needed to add to my bucket list. The concept seemed so intriguing and fun! But I’m such an antisocial person, it wouldn’t work. So it was really great to hear it from someone who’s done it!

 

 

Rita:  Thank you!  I love that the experience enabled me to meet such a wide variety of people.  Not just the dates, but others I encountered on or through the dates, including you!  I feel honored that I was able to view some of your work.  I find your photography to be brilliant!  Tell me, what photographers inspire you?

 

Paparazzi:  David LaChapelle is a huge influence for me. He fills every corner of the image with something happening. I love how it takes a few times looking at one of his images to see it all.

 

 

 

Rita:  Interesting.  The way you look at photography is the way that I tell people to look at life and dating!  Fill every corner of your life with something, make things happen!  But, more importantly, when meeting someone, remember that it can take a few times of “seeing” them before you really “see” them.

Paparazzi:  It’s weird for me. I usually am endlessly patient with people. I love every difference there is from one person to the next. Some things; however, can make me completely turned-off to a person within the first three minutes of meeting them. It’s rare, but it happens.

 

 

Rita:  What advice do you have for new photographers?

 

Paparazzi:  Know what you’re getting into and what you want out of it and be honest about why. You’ll never reach your full potential if you lie to yourself about why you’re doing it.

 

 

Rita:  Are you sure you are a photographer and not a relationship coach?  That seems like PERFECT advice to give those who are out there looking to find a partner.  It’s a solid foundation for the next big book on dating!

Paparazzi:  You should write it!! That would be the coolest thing. Then I’ll get to say I knew you!

 

 

Rita:  So, Paparazzi.  A little birdie told me that you are single and currently not dating anyone.  Are you out there “looking for love?”

Paparazzi:  I’ve never sought out love and I never will. I believe in not giving a flying fuck about any of that. 

 

 

 Rita:  So then, you celebrate being single?

 Paparazzi:  It’s not even a celebration really.  It’s just not caring about whether there is a relationship happening or not. No, I don’t celebrate being single. I think Valentine’s Day is pretty neat. I am happy to see happy couples. I imagine it would be coo to be in that type of relationship. However, I don’t care that I don’t have it. I’m celebrating being happy with my life… not specifically the fact that there isn’t someone else in it.  I hate the “single and proud” movement. Because you know that the whole thing shits the bed the moment they find someone to love.

 

 

 Rita:  I love that – celebrating being happy with your life and not celebrating that there isn’t someone else in it.  That’s such a healthy outlook!  You are a talented, intelligent attractive woman.  Surely there are men interested in meeting you.  You aren’t seeking it out but what is the best way for a man to approach you?

 Paparazzi:  Very… very… very… cautiously; much in the same way one would approach a wild animal that is eating her first meal in four days.

 

 

 Rita:  Why do men need to be so cautious?  Are you that wild?

 Paparazzi:  I think I have to be ready to receive an approach. I react harshly to being approached under less-than-perfect circumstances, i.e.. when I want to be approached, haha!  And I hardly ever want to be!

Rita:  Have you ever been in love?

 

Paparazzi:  Yes. Every other good feeling in the world is just fighting for second…… and so is every bad one.

 

Rita:  When you think of the word “love” what images and thoughts come to mind?

 

Paparazzi:  Literally… “death and destruction” popped into my head before the question was even over. But really, love is something that happens to the most and the least fortunate of us all. 

 

 

 

Rita:  Love really is a double edged sword.  How can you get past the first thought of “death and destruction” to allow yourself to open to an experience and accept the benefits?

 

Paparazzi:  Accept that love can build entire cities and then tear them down… that there is a nature to love and love itself doesn’t care what you think or how you feel. It just happens to people. Sometimes it’s great and sometimes there is no recovery. The death and destruction is because we think love gives a fuck and are surprised to find out it really doesn’t.

 

 

 

Rita:  I think that’s right, needing to accept the nature of the emotions and circumstances that arise when you acknowledge love.  It’s very important.  I think also, if you follow your earlier advice of being honest about what you want out of your relationship, that sharp “pain” of love can be lessened when you are able to acknowledge that you aren’t getting what you want – and that getting what you want is necessary in achieving your full potential.  So, let’s get to more fun stuff!  What is YOUR recommendation for a “perfect date” in the DC area?

 

Paparazzi:   The gun range. Guys… take her to the gun range and then to Victoria’s Secret right after. I PROMISE.

 

 

 

Rita:  We’ve discussed your schedule before.  Sometimes you are up working all night, sleeping during the days, working all day, traveling.  It’s anything but consistent.  How does that impact your dating/social life?  When do YOU get your trip to the range and Victoria’s Secret?

 

Paparazzi:  It’s impacted like a mother fucker. Just ask my friends… umm… wait… I know I have some. Luckily, technology keeps me somewhat in the loop of what’s going on around me. 

 

 

 

Rita:  So, then, with your hectic schedule, how DO you find time to date?  That seems to be a common theme in this area, little time to “play.” 

 

Paparazzi:  Honestly don’t think about it. I couldn’t see anything turning out well with my schedule as it is. I understand relationships take time and energy and I feel like I don’t have it to give.

 

 

 

Rita:  I think that’s another common experience in the DC area, the lack of energy and time that people have for dating.  I know it’s a comment I get often from readers of this blog! 

 

Paparazzi:  Someone once told me that if you really wanted to date, you would make the time. I believe it. I think if a date was simply just sharing food with someone  without expectations, it would be easier… because we gotta eat anyway. So maybe just do the food thing without trying to impress someone.

 

 

Rita:  We talked about that the night we first met, the importance of taking away expectations when meeting someone so there can’t be disappointment and to look at dating as nothing more than an introduction to a person.  You have plenty of time to find out why you met them – instead of trying to make it fit into a “box” (such as romance), just meet someone and let it develop without expectations of how and where it should go.  But people in this area don’t tend to do that.  What other tips do you have for daters in the DC area?

 

Paparazzi:  I’ve sat in restaurants next to first dates around here. I noticed that people don’t laugh enough. Shit’s funny. This world is hilarious. That’s great and all that you can pick someone based on their career, accomplishments, etc.  But the question is, will you be able to leave that restaurant and laugh your asses off at the world together? That’s with us, that is what we’re born with. No job promotion or social standing can make that happen. And if you think you can do without it, you’re either sadly and horribly mistaken or you’re dead inside.

 

 

 

Rita:  Your comment about picking someone based on a career or accomplishments leads me to my next question.  Many readers of this blog have commented that a trend in DC is to treat a date like an interview.  That is, you come to the table with a “checklist” of things that you think should be present in your “ideal person.”  The first date is to see if all of the boxes are checked and, if they aren’t, you don’t pass to the next round.  Do you notice this trend? 

 

Paparazzi:  You know what?  I notice people always sizing each other up and asking themselves what I call “is this the right person” questions.  It’s like trying to come up with an answer before the question is even finished getting asked. 

 

 

 

Rita:  So then, people are asking the wrong questions on dates to find their “ideal person?”

 

Paparazzi:  Yes! It’s always the wrong questions!  It’s all materialistic and statistics… sizing up.  I feel like sometimes people are looking for the perfect person- to show off!

 

 

 

Rita:  So, what are some of the questions that you would ask on a first date (assuming you found time and energy to go on one with a man who approached you on the right day and time)?

 

Paparazzi:  Haha!  I’d keep it to small talk and see how he treated our server.

 

 

 

Rita:  Isn’t that the truth?! I don’t think people out there realize how important that interaction is, and how telling!  Besides treating services with disrespect, what is the biggest mistake that single people tend to make, in your opinion?

Paparazzi:  Pretending not to know why they’re single.

 

 

 

Rita:  That is such a brilliant answer!  I find that people truly don’t want to reflect on themselves long enough to find out exactly what THEY are doing, the patterns they are repeating, the choices they are making – to put them where they are, including being single.  It’s much easier to blame someone else.  Why do you think that is?

 

Paparazzi:  I think our generation has grown up in a time of entitlement. In an effort to keep kids positive back in the 80s and early 90s, a lot of parents and educators took away our ability to blame ourselves.

 

 

Rita:  What advice/encouragement would you give to someone who is single?

 

Paparazzi:  If they wanna stay single, then… cool! Keep doing whatever it is you’re doing. If they don’t want to be single anymore, eat at different places.  

 

 

Rita:  Switch up the routine a bit? 

 

Paparazzi: More than that – change your environment. This world is so fucking huge! Instead of going to the same places, with the same people, branch out and be the new kid in town. Why not?

 

 

Rita:  What inspires you…in your work, your life and love?

Paparazzi:  Little kids and old people inspire me. Conversely, the potential for crushing an evil foe, does as well.  

 

 

Rita:  What is it about children and the elderly that is inspirational?  (As for evil foe crushing, I totally get that!)

Paparazzi:  Old people… with all their stories and their entire life behind them… it’s tough to come across one who doesn’t have it written on their face and hanging on every movement.  Kids are thinking so much more than people our age and with an openness that could save this world if adults thought with it.   

 

 

 Rita:  I love what you have to say!  Look at the world and think with the openness of a child!  Celebrate your life and fill every corner of it with something happening!  Look at something, or someone, a few times to ensure that you really see what you are looking at!  Don’t create expectations!  Be honest about what you want from a relationship!  Laugh!   Be nice to your server!  And, men, women love shooting guns and wearing lingerie and, often times, simultaneously!  Thanks so much for taking time to talk with me today!

 

Paparazzi:  No problem!  Thank you for giving me that push to open up!

 

 

 

Feel free to leave your comments on any of the topics above!  I want Pillow Talk to be an interactive forum where we can all relate to each other and learn from one another.  Have someone you think would give good “Pillow Talk?”  E-mail me at Rita@singlesinthesuburbs.com with their information!

 

I Didn’t Need a Man; I Needed a Woman!

I sat across from her, looking into her beautiful brown eyes.  Everything about her was perfect.  Suddenly, something inside of me just “clicked.”  As I listened to her talk about my potential and her faith in me – I knew that I had to have her.   “I’ve been going at this all wrong,” I exclaimed.  “I don’t need a man.  What I need is a woman!”  She nodded in agreement.  “Sure, Chris knows all of the right things to do and say, but he doesn’t get me the way that you seem to,” I said.  “I totally get you and, Rita, with me – you’ll get everything you want and more!”  I was hooked.  That night, I broke things off with Chris.  Hiring Natalie as my personal trainer was one of the best decisions I have ever made!

 

I had to have her!

 

Two months later, and it’s not all sunshine and roses.  Tonight, Natalie laid across from me as I held a side plank for longer than I care to remember.  She just smiled as she casually threatened my life were I to drop the position.  I’m pretty sure that had I had a fork on me, I would have poked her beautiful brown eyes with it!    After our workout, she sat me down for a chat.  After all, today ended the 10th day of Project GetFit – and we have 25 more to go.  “I want you to be completely successful with your total transformation,” she said as she grabbed a pad of paper and pen.  “You’ve got all of the right tools and mentality, you just need some rules to help you achieve success,” she explained as she pushed the paper and pen into my hands.  “Write!” she demanded.

 

Natalie's Rules

 

Ten minutes later I had a list of 5 rules to follow to ensure success with my fitness plan.  I looked from the rules to Natalie.  “What?” she asked.  “You need to follow these rules!!!” I said.  For two months, Natalie has been an avid reader of this blog.  She followed the 35 dates, read the advice of the dating coaches and continues to eagerly anticipate my updates.  During our workouts, I’ve been privy to an inside peek at her life as well.  Specifically, her dating life.  “I don’t know how these rules apply to dating,” she said with a shrug.  I looked at her for a solid minute.  “You really don’t see how these rules apply to dating?!” I laughed.  “Let me show you…”

 

Define Your Goals and Set Reasonable Objectives

FITNESS:  I want to lose 70 pounds.  That is my goal.  If I were to focus on the overall goal number, I would become easily frustrated.  It would feel far away, almost unobtainable.  Rather, it’s important for me to set short-term objectives to help reach my goal.  Perhaps a 10% weight loss.  Maybe conquering a yoga pose.  Maybe simply going to the gym 4 days every week.  The point is to focus on the short-term objectives so that I can reward myself for my milestones which will motivate me to continue towards the finish line.

DATING:  The same holds true for dating.  You day-dream about your future partner.  Maybe you even dream about getting married.  Having kids.  But you are at a loss as to how to make that happen.  Maybe you feel so far away from achieving that dream that you’ve written it off.  You need to set personal dating goals!  And you need to write them down.  Goals give us direction.  Goals help us turn our dreams into reality.  Maybe it’s simply perfecting the art of approaching a stranger.  Maybe it’s going out on 2 dates a week.  Maybe it’s simply getting out of your house 2 times a month. The goals should be specific, obtainable and reasonably calculated to help you reach your longer-term goal.  So you can reward yourself for your milestones and continue towards your finish line!

 

Be Consistent

FITNESS:  The only way I’ll achieve my short-term objectives, or my long-term fitness goal, is by being consistent.  To ensure consistency, it’s important that I choose the right days/nights/times to work out, so that I have a regular schedule.  Even simpler than that, I need to set aside X hours a week for working out.  And the hours need to be reasonable and sufficient to help me reach my goal.  And I need to stick with it.  If I work out 3 days in one week and then don’t work out again for 2 weeks, when I do work out again, I’ll be sore.  My body will hurt.  I’ll be frustrated because it will feel as if I’m starting out from square one.  And I’m more likely to quit.  And I’ll put that much more distance between myself and my goal.

DATING:  Dating is no different.  You need to be consistent.  Maybe your goal is to meet a partner who values you.  If so, be consistent with demanding respect.  Don’t let someone call you sometimes, then disappear, to only resurface with a random series of text messages before disappearing again.  Establish your own rules, regarding the type of treatment you want from someone you are dating, at the beginning.  Before ever going on a date.  And then enforce them.  Consistently.  Likewise, if you want to meet someone you need to be consistent about getting out of your house and going places where you will meet and interact with other people.  Schedule these nights.  Make them routine.  Stick with them.  If you date one night and then take off 3 weeks only to get back out there again, you’ll feel frustrated because, each time, it will feel as if you are starting from square one.  And you are more likely to quit.  And you’ll put that much more distance between you and your goal.

 

Employ the Power of Positivity

FITNESS:  If I say or think that I can’t do it – reach my goal weight, perform a certain exercise, complete a certain number of reps – I won’t.  If I don’t pre-plan for setbacks, plateaus, off-weeks, I will be disappointed each time these events happen which will add to my frustration and negative outlook, keeping me from powering through to achieve my goals!  By keeping a positive outlook, I stay motivated!  Maybe I don’t lose weight one week, but I did complete a new exercise or run an extra mile.  I need to focus on what I DID do, not what I didn’t do!  I need to look at each workout, even the bad ones on the off days, for the lesson that it provided me – as every event provides a lesson.

DATING:  If you go into dating dreading it, you won’t be successful.  If you think that there just isn’t anyone out there for you, or that you’ll never meet them – you won’t.  If, prior to each date, you are anticipating the worst – that’s exactly what you’ll get.  Putting out negative energy only attracts negative energy.  You won’t even realize it but, a negative mindset will close yourself off to others.  You’ll be limiting the type of interaction you have, and the connection you establish with someone, because of your pre-formed negative thinking.  Transform your mind into one full of positivity.  Look at dates simply as an introduction to a new person!  And always be  looking for something that you can learn from that person.  Even on a horrible date, you are learning what you don’t want.  And that brings you closer to what you do want!  Stood up?  Think of it as a gift (because you will not be wasting any of your time getting to know a person with such low value of you)!   Anytime you feel a negative thought creeping into your mind, flip it into a positive one and you’ll find that you are refreshed and excited to get out there and meet someone!

 

Be Tough

FITNESS:  It’s been 10 days since Natalie and I started Project GetFit.  And it hasn’t been easy.  In fact, it down right hurts.  My body is in pain as I write this.  But it’s easier than it was on day 1.  And day 20 will be easier than today.  Feeling pain is a sign that I’m pushing myself.  Pushing myself is a requirement to getting stronger.  Being stronger is necessary to achieve my goal.  If I quit at the first sign of pain, if I put down the weights right as they start to feel heavy, I can’t progress.  No progression means not getting any closer to the finish line.  And it’s not physical toughness (although that is a result).  It’s mental toughness.  It’s programming your mind to overpower your body.  To suck it up and do what it takes, even on the bad days.  If you don’t power yourself through the tough times to bring you closer to your goal, who will?

DATING:  You’ll have bad dates.  It’s inevitable.  There will be dull dinners, exhausting conversation.  You might be stood up.  You might have to fight off unwanted advances.  Inappropriate comments.  But you have to push through these times.  You’ll feel pain at times.  You’ll down right hurt.  But that is a sign that you are pushing yourself.  You are growing.  Every bad date teaches you about what you don’t want.  Which leads you closer to what you do want.  You need to change your mental state to overpower the negative thoughts.  Look at every person you meet as contributing a lesson of value.  You might feel as if you don’t want to go out one night.  You might feel like there is no point in attempting to meet someone.  If you quit – you are assured to not meet someone.  If you don’t power yourself through those down times, force yourself to get off your couch, force yourself to approach people, to go on one more date….who will?

 

Change Your Perspective

FITNESS:  I was looking at my workouts as “chores.”  Tasks that needed to be completed.  Who likes chores?  Who likes tasks?  Then Natalie said something that changed my entire outlook.  “Rita, exercising and taking care of your body is not a task, it’s a gift.  It’s a privilege that you have.  Being fit, being healthy, it isn’t a chore – it’s a choice.”  My outlook immediately changed.  When I don’t feel like working out, I now tell myself that I take steps to become healthier, or I can choose the status quo.  If I choose the latter, I have no one to blame for my situation but me.  Because it’s a choice.  My choice.  When you’ve set a goal, why would you want to actively choose to sabotage your progress?  By thinking of it as a choice, instead of a chore, it’s easier to find the motivation to choose the right steps and actions to reach my goal.

DATING:  Flip the script on dating as well.  It isn’t a task.  Meeting someone new is a gift.  It’s a privilege you have.  Dating isn’t a chore, it’s a choice.  Your choice.  You can choose to “get up, get out and do something” placing yourself in situations where you have the potential of meeting someone, you can say yes to someone’s date invitation, or you can sit at home.  If you choose the latter, you have no one to blame for your situation but yourself.  You’ve set a goal to find someone.  Why would you actively choose to sabotage your efforts to reach that goal?  By thinking of it as a choice, instead of a chore, it’s easier to find the motivation to choose the right steps and actions to bring you closer to finding love.

 

Natalie just looked at me.  “Exercise gives something back to you each time you do it!  Dating doesn’t.”  I told her that I disagree.  Exercise may give you results that you can see with your eyes, but the process of dating brings about a level of personal growth that you can feel internally.   She bit her lip and reluctantly agreed that I was right.  Looks like “Natalie’s Rules” will bring success for both of us – in multiple areas of our lives.  I told you, she’s one hell of a trainer.

Interview with Power Women Magazine

This past Monday, I was interviewed by Power Women Magazine Radio regarding my 35 Dates in 35 Days project, dating tips, trends and more!

If you missed it, you can listen to it by clicking on this link:

PowerWomen1172011

 

 

Power Women Magazine

 

“Power Women Magazine is an online publication about women by women for women and issues important to women worldwide. We network to stand in one voice for not only ourselves but for women … who can not use their voice. We tackle all issues with the government, state and local communities as well as worldwide groups through our own means or via non-profit organizations whom we have partnered with to make that stance. Our Issues range from equal rights for all women to issues of homelessness among women, and everything in between. Our Goals are to empower women no matter where they are or who they are. We must network and stand together in order to make a change.”

 

On Facebook:  www.facebook.com/pages/power-women-magazine

On Twitter:  @powerwomenmag

Power Women Magazine Radio:  www.blogtalkradio.com/powerwomenmag

 

Steve Sanders, Projectile Dysfunction and the Biggest Asshole on Planet Earth

I fumbled for the phone.  Which was ringing.  Loudly.  Over and over.  I squinted at the clock.  It was 2:00 in the morning!  I didn’t recognize the number.  I answered it anyway.  “Hello?” I asked through a sleepy voice.  “What in the hell is this about you going out on 35 dates in 35 days?!” the voice on the other end boomed!  My heart stopped!  My eyes opened wide and I jolted straight up in my bed!  Without missing a beat, I asked “Why in the hell do you care?!”  There was a long period of silence followed by the sound of his laughter.  “I’ve missed you baby,” he said.  He was drunk.  I slapped my hand to my forehead.  Was this seriously happening?  It was like I was a freshman in college all over again!

 

Ian Ziering (a.k.a. Steve Sanders)

 

It had been 15 years since I last heard his voice.  I met him during our freshmen year of college when he was up from JMU visiting a friend at GWU.  We were walking through campus to a basketball game when he reached out and held my hand.  I looked from our hands, clasped together, up towards his eyes and smiled.  He had the most crystal clear blue eyes I had ever seen.  He looked like Steve Sanders.  And right there – in the middle of the street – Steve Sanders kissed me.

“Steve” was my first real boyfriend.  I was a freshman at GWU.  He was a freshman at JMU.  It was a “long distance” love affair, confined to weekend visits and summer vacation.  I was head over heels.  He wasn’t.  So why did I stay?  I blame Projectile Dysfunction.

 

"The Lovers IV" (He's not really what she thinks)

 

Now, I’m no expert on psychology but, from my limited understanding, it appears that there are multiple theories of “projection.”  My interpretation of these theories is as follows:  A) An individual has certain traits within themselves, most likely lurking in the dark corners of the unconscious, that they wish to avoid.  In order to avoid, or deny, these negative traits, they instead project them on to someone (usually their partner) and attribute those negative traits to be coming from their partner; B) An individual has an idea, again usually rooted in the unconscious, of the type of person that they wish to be with (friends, lover) and they project those ideas of their “perfect person” onto another, ignoring all the while that the person does not have those traits and, also, ignoring the person’s genuine self; and C) The same as A and B, except that, by projecting, the person being projected upon actually believes these things to be true about themself and, in fact, starts to display those traits – although not genuine or authentic to their self.

All of the theories seem to agree that projection is inevitable.  The concern is when one can’t pull back the projection and separate the reality from the fantasy.

 

Start the Projector - It's Show Time!

 

I don’t know if these theories are accurate.  I can’t tell you if they explain “why” I project.  But I can tell you that is exactly what I did with Steve.  I projected all over him.  And fell in love with a distortion of reality.  Unfortunately, young and in love, I wasn’t ever able to pull back my projections and never saw Steve for who he really was.  I only saw what I wanted to see.  What I wanted him to be.  Until he called me at 2:00 a.m. on September 15, 2011 – 15 years after the day he left me crying and broken-hearted.  It was as if someone turned the projector on full speed.  I saw scene after scene flash before my eyes.  The mean things he said.  The lies.  The cheating.  “You were horrible to me, Steve,”  I said into the phone.  He was quiet.  “I know,” he replied.  “We were young.  I was immature, at best.  I’m sorry.”  And he really was.

 

James Altucher

 

In his blog post of September 25, 2011, titled, “ASK JAMES:  Threesomes, Success…and More!” James Altucher calls me a “total love addict.”  “I.e. you meet someone and project all sorts of stuff onto them that’s not there and then you fall in love.”  I never saw myself that way.  But, from my previous phone call with Steve, and the revelations that resulted therefrom, I knew James was dead on.

This past Friday, I met Jess McCann for lunch and to catch her up on things that happened in the weeks following the end of my 35 Dates in 35 Days Project.  The conversation turned to a few of the men from the 35 dates whom I’ve gone out with again since the end of the Project.  Specifically, two of the men.  As I answered her questions, I took time to pay attention to the words that were coming out of my mouth.  And in that instant I was able to see that I was turning on the projector, yet again.  Projecting things onto these men to make them what I wanted them to be.  To see what I wanted to see.  Instead of seeing them for who and how they really are.  But this time, I was able to stop.  I was able to pull back the projections and separate my “fantasy” from reality.

I am not implying that what I saw once I pulled back the projections was bad!  Not at all.  All it means is that I am able to see these men for who they are, right at this moment.  Instead of mirroring myself in them, I am now able to relate to them.  And by doing so, our relationships, however they progress, will be genuine and authentic.  I no longer suffer from Projectile Dysfunction.  My projection is still there but under control.  It just took swallowing a slightly bitter pill.

 

Back to Steve Sanders

 

As for Steve, I ended my conversation with him that evening with no clear understanding as to what prompted his call.  Until I got a text the next day.  Turns out Steve had read an earlier blog post where I listed the Top 5 Loves in my life.  And he wanted to know which number he was.

 

Steve Sanders calls Shenanigans!

 

He didn’t make the top 5.  But he did make a blog post.  I even gave it the title he wanted.

 

“Once you realize that the world is your own projection, you are free of it. You need not free yourself of a world that does not exist, except in your own imagination! However is the picture, beautiful or ugly, you are painting it and you are not bound by it. Realize that there is nobody to force it on you, that it is due to the habit of taking the imaginaryto be real. See the imaginary as imaginary and be free of fear.”

~Nisargadatta Maharaj

 

Project GetFit – Q&A with Personal Trainer, Natalie Marie

At the beginning of October, I invited you to submit questions to be answered by Team RITA members – and boy, did you have some great questions!   As many of you know, I’ve recently started another “project” for my blog – “Project GetFit.”  This project will illustrate what happens when you do one thing for 35 days in a row.  In this case, what results from working out 35 days in a row.

I’m fortunate to have a great gym (Fitness First) and a fabulous trainer, Natalie Marie, guiding and coaching me through this project!  Since announcing Project GetFit, you have e-mailed me more questions – focused on fitness, personal training and health.  These are fabulous questions and I feel that the answers could be beneficial for everyone, so I’ve asked Natalie to provide the answers.  After all, she is the certified expert in these areas!

 

 

Natalie Marie, Personal Trainer at Fitness First

Natalie Marie
Personal Trainer
www.fitnessfirstclubs.com

Natalie is a NASM Certified Trainer for
Fitness First Clubs.  By day, she is a
government contractor.  At all other times,
she thrives on training her clients!

 

 

 

Before I pass the blog to Natalie, I wanted to take a minute to update you on Project GetFit, as I’m on day 35.

 

 

 

Update #1 –  Apparently 35-5 = 34!

That’s right.  I’m 5 days into the project, only today was truly day 1!  The first 4 days were spent finding my “benchmarks.”  That is, getting back on the treadmill and seeing how far I could run.  Going through a series of grueling tests with Natalie to see how many push-ups, sit-ups, squats and lunges I could do.  Seeing how much weight I could lift.  How long I could hold certain positions.  All to find where I am right at this moment so that we have something to measure my progress against.  It FELT like working out.  I remember sweating.  Maybe even cursing.  But no, those days were just “for fun.”  Tonight, was the first “real workout.”  So, therefore, the 35th day of Project GetFit will be Sunday, December 4th!

Update #2 –  I’ll take that Diet-to-Go, Please

I realize that getting fit is more than just “working out.”  It’s an overall state of being, related to physical fitness, nutrition and mental fitness.  Those will all be addressed throughout this project.  One question I am getting asked frequently though is regarding my “diet.”

I’m doing “Diet to Go.”  Diet to Go offers perfectly portioned, nutritionally balanced, complete meals in a variety of plans.  (No, they are not a sponsor, nor am I getting my Diet to Go for free.)  I have selected the 1,200 calorie plan; 3 meals a day; 5 days a week.  I pick up my meals fresh every Tuesday and Friday.  Low in sodium, no preservatives and delightfully tasty (and even more surprisingly – affordable)!  I chose this plan because I wanted fresh food – but I needed it in a way that was easy for me to “heat and go.”  Diet to Go is just that.  So, M-F, I’ve got my 3 meals prepared and figured out for me – no effort on my part.  The weekends, I am sure that will prove to be slightly more difficult to navigate.  Hopefully together we can uncover some of the best, healthy, dishes to enjoy when we are out and about in and around the city!

Update #3 – The Real Day 1

For my updates, I’ll share the types of exercise that I did for the day and any other information I feel may be interesting to you readers.  I’ll provide updates on my stats (i.e., weight loss/gain, sizes lost, etc.) on a weekly basis.  Project GetFit won’t be the main focus of the blog – it’s a project that will simultaneously be occurring while other projects are as well.

I’m also hoping that you will all comment – ask questions – provide tips – support – advice.  To me and to each other!  Share where you work out.  What you do for activity!  I won’t be working out in the gym 7 days a week.  I definitely won’t be doing weight training 7 days a week!  I’d love to learn (as I’m sure others would to) about interesting activities and ways to stay fit and have fun!

TONIGHT’S WORKOUT  (Exercise, Weight, Reps, Sets):

1.  High-heeled squats, standing on 10 lb. weights.  20 reps; 3 sets

2.  One legged step-ups.  No weight.  15 on each leg.  3 sets.

3.  Band side-to-side steps.  Utilizing green resistance band.  3 laps.  3 sets.

4.  Gallop side-to-side steps.  No weight.  3 laps.  3 sets.

5.  Mountain climbers.  No weight.  40 per leg.

Mood coming in:  cranky.   Mood leaving:  energized!

Now, on to YOUR questions – answered by Natalie herself!

Question 1:  How do you pick a personal trainer?

Answer:  There are many important factors in choosing a trainer.  The very first thing you should do is check their credentials-ask what their certifications are! You wouldn’t go to a doctor if you didn’t know for a fact that he or she had a medical degree, and the same should go for a trainer. Common certifications are ACE, NASM, NSPA, and there are many more.  The next step I recommend is speak with the personal training director at your gym about your specific fitness goals and what you are comfortable doing in a gym. Most personal training directors (including my wonderful one!) are very familiar with all their trainers’ uniques styles and strengths, and the director can make the recommendation about the best fit for you.  Finally, snag a free workout from different trainers.  Believe me when I say we are more than happy to hook interested people up with a free session so you can sample the different types of training out there. Finally, be honest with what you really are interested in doing in a gym.  If you’re training with an MMA fighter but would never do the hard-core workouts on your own, you probably want to work with a trainer who will offer you something more low-key.

Question 2: I’m a girl and don’t want to build up manly muscles.  Should I just stick to cardio?

Answer:  First: if you’re a woman you won’t build manly muscles because guess what? You’re not a man! But I will say I can empathize with your concerns because as a former gymnast I am very conscious of getting “bulky”.  However just doing cardio is not going to cut it in the fitness department.  Moderate weight training three times a week will actually help you slim down because it will increase muscle, which metabolizes much faster than fat.  A combination of cardio and weights is the best recipe for a slim and toned body.  Remember: your body is a whole working machine; if you’re going to take care of the muscles of your cardio system, you’ve got to keep up with the upper body, core, and lower body. Like many things, a holistic approach to fitness is the most rewarding results-wise.

Question 3:  I can’t afford a gym.  I hate running.  What are smaller steps that I can take to work my way up to a healthy routine?  If I overwhelm myself, I know that I will give up.  How can I start small but still have it be effective?

Answer:  You’re in luck because the possibilities are endless! In your case small changes are definitely key.  The first thing is to take a hard look at your diet: if the gym isn’t in your budget and running is out of the question, you have to examine how many calories you are putting into your body.  A really great way to start educating yourself on what exactly to put into your body can be found by visiting the U.S. Department of Agriculture’s website http://www.choosemyplate.gov/index.html.  Take some time to explore this site and see how you can tweak your diet in order to eat healthier for weight loss. To keep yourself on a specific plan, you can create a profile on the USDA’s dietary guidance site: http://fnic.nal.usda.gov/nal_display/index.php?info_center=4&tax_level=2&tax_subject=256&topic_id=1325.  Diet alone can absolutely help you shed a lot of weight (in the event you need to) and of course maximizing your nutrient intake is vital to numerous aspects of your health and well-being. The great thing about these resources is they are up-to-date on dietary research and they are FREE!

Ok, now for the exercise part: make it harder on yourself. Heading to the grocery store? Park as far away as possible each and every time you get out of your car. Check out free exercise websites such as www.shape.com to pick up some core exercises that you can do in front of the T.V. Do you work at a desk? Stand up to workout or sit on an exercise ball; you can find exercise balls for as little as $10 at places like T.J. Maxx. Don’t even think about taking the escalator or elevator if stairs are available (if you don’t know where they are….FIND THEM). Since you want to start small just consider every extra fidget, step, or extra foot you have to walk will count. Start there and stick to it!

Question 4:  What do you suggest that Rita do for her exercises?  How long do you think it will, realistically, take her to reach the goal she’s set.  We all want her to! 

Answer:  Rita’s ability to reach her goals depends entirely upon her perseverance. I am a huge fan of Rita and I know for a fact she is going to get to where she wants to be if she toughs it out. Rita has already taken the crucial first steps to her “outer” transformation by meeting up with me and continuing communication through her 35 dates project even though there was little time for us to actually meet and work out.

I wouldn’t be able to offer a definite time but I can say that I truly believe if she is strict on her diet and stays consistent in her workouts with me, she will be at her goal in 6-12 months.  A key thing to remember is that 6-12 months for a lifetime of fitness is an incredible trade-off.  I am definitely going to push her and challenge her in ways she has already accomplished with her inner transformation!

HAVE MORE QUESTIONS?  E-MAIL THEM TO ME AT RITA@SINGLESINTHESUBURBS.COM AND I’LL PASS THEM ON (TO ANY OF THE TEAM RITA MEMBERS) TO BE ANSWERED!

I’m looking for a non-gym, non-running activity tomorrow.  If anyone knows of anything fun, please share it!  Let’s all GetFit!

Fetish Dating

I wanted to cry but I was too tired.  I rubbed my eyes and looked at my sister sleeping in her car seat.  I could see the back of my grandfather’s head and my mother sitting next to him in the passenger seat.  We pulled out of the parking lot and I watched our house disappear into the darkness.  I wouldn’t see my father again until I was 18. 

 

Vacation in Northern Florida

 

For the next 12 years, my mother raised my sister and me with zero support from my father.  She worked multiple jobs to make ends meet.  She served as our mother, father, tutor, career counselor.  She missed out on dates, buying herself clothes, getting her hair cut, her nails done, taking vacations – not only to pay the bills but to ensure that my sister and I wouldn’t miss out on those little “luxuries” like ballet class or field trips.  She did everything for us, while still managing to run the rest of her world and be everything to everyone else in her life (daughter, employee, sister).  Growing up, I emulated this example.  I wasn’t just someone’s “girlfriend” or “friend” but I was also their career counselor/fitness trainer/therapist/financial advisor.  Wherever someone sought support, I endeavored to provide it.  Unfortunately, I also grew up feeling that people should do the same for me.  

 

My Mama

 

We want it all.  In her book, “A Little Bit Married,” author Hannah Seligson says “We are looking for someone to be our gym buddy, career counselor, best friend, lover, creative inspiration, and therapist. In short, the intimacy expectations of young people today are off the charts.”  It’s what she calls “the soul mate fetish.”  And she believes that this fetish is effectively ruining our relationships.  As a former fetishist myself, I don’t disagree.  My “soul mate fetish” has effectively ended one too many of my relationships and friendships. 

Throughout my life, at any point in time when I was unable to meet a need of a partner, or friend, I felt disappointed.  I had let them down.  I wasn’t “good enough” because I wasn’t able to give them the advice, support or motivation that they sought.  I had failed in my “duties.” 

It wasn’t until my break-up with Aces that I realized how I have so heavily placed this expectation on others.  I wanted Aces to be my “everything.”  My boyfriend, my best friend, my personal trainer, my career counselor, my motivational speaker, my financial advisor, my life coach.  If he wasn’t able to provide support in any of those areas, or if he suggested that I look to someone else for it, I felt let down.  Disappointed.  That he must not care.  That he must not truly “love” me.  That he must not truly be “the one.”  Because surely “that perfect person” for me would be able to provide for all of the needs that I have.  I didn’t only place this burden on Aces, but on other friends and family as well.

My 35 Dates in 35 Days project led to more reflection than I had ever anticipated.  I see now, that no one person needs to be “my everything.”  No one person should be my everything.  In fact, even if someone truly wanted to be my everything, chances are, that would not be the best situation for either of us.  It is doubtful that they have the necessary skills to truly serve every area in which I seek support and, most likely, they would feel internally frustrated at their inability to do provide something that they wish to give.  And just because they can’t provide a certain level or area of support or guidance, doesn’t mean that they are failing.  Or that they don’t love me.  Or that they don’t care.  Or that they aren’t mean to be my “soul mate” or my friend.

Rather, by someone telling me to seek out a career counselor, a life coach, a therapist, a personal trainer – they are telling me quite the opposite.  They are telling me that they care about me and love me enough to want me to get the best support system in place that I can have.  By not seeking to be “my everything,” they are loving me fully.  And by me not placing that expectation on them, I am doing the same. 

Not only will I continue to not place unrealistic expectations on others and, instead, seek out the proper individuals to provide the support system that I need (like those on Team RITA), but I will no longer place unrealistic expectations on myself and will endeavor to help those I know, and those I will meet, create the best support system they can have.  I will love everyone I meet for their strengths and appreciate what they give me.  I will not focus on what they cannot, because that is not a failing.  I do this, because I want to experience a complete love.  I want to love fully and, by doing so, I hope to be loved fully in return.   Soul mate fetish free.

Does This Font Make Me Look Fat? – From Arial to Arial Narrow in 35 Days!

I’m great at starting things.  I’m not always so great with follow through.  Revise that.  I used to not be so great with follow through.  That is, until my 35 Dates in 35 Days Project.  I have spent the days following Date 35 reflecting on what I have experienced.  (To be honest, I’m still taking it all in.  It was quite a whirlwind!  Revise that.  It is still quite a whirlwind!)  And I am astonished.  Astonished that 35 dates fell into place.  Astonished that I went out for 35 consecutive nights.  Even more astonished that I made a promise to myself – and saw it through.  It wasn’t always easy.  There were cancellations.  Substitutions.  Work emergencies.  Nights when I was so tired, I almost quit.  Times when I was so frustrated with my emotions that I wanted to throw in the towel.  There were bumps and bruises and scrapes.  But I made a committment to myself.  And I needed to honor it.  If I couldn’t, how could I expect anyone else to?  So I did.  I can’t put into words how great it feels to fulfill my own promise.  To have reached a goal.

 

 

I started wondering what else I could accomplish if I applied the same level of discipline as I did with the 35 Dates Project.
And suddenly my next “project” was crystal clear.  What are the results if I spend 35 consecutive days, doing 1 activity.  Specifically, what results if I work out daily for 35 consecutive days.  Weight loss?  Energy?  Changes to my social life?  Frustration?  Exposure to even more activities?  As I learned by going on 35 dates in 35 days, you can think you know where a road will take you but chances are you have no idea where you’ll arrive. It used to be that pushing outside of my comfort zone, was uncomfortable.  Now it’s staying within my comfort zone that makes me feel ill at ease.

 

I’ve already proven to myself that I have the ability to do something for 35 straight days.  But going out with people – is fun.  Going to a gym – is not.   So, much as I did with the 35 Dates Project, I made a promise to myself –  aloud, committed to a start date, and wrote it in pen (and you all know what that means) in my calendar.  Then I called up Team RITA member, Natalie.  There was no going back.

 

Fitness First Reston

 

Tonight was “Day 1.”  After 35 nights of going to restaurants, bars, plays, trapeze school, concerts, dances, art classes and more – motivating myself to walk through the doors of the gym was hard.  But, as always, Natalie was there to greet me with a hug and smile and reignited the motivation that I have for my fitness goals.  After 35 dates in 35 days, this should be a piece of cake!

 

Tonight,  I re-introduced myself to the treadmill.  I ran for 45 minutes, using the Jeff Galloway method (alternate between 2 minute runs and 1 minute walks).  And even that kicked my butt.  Project GetFit couldn’t have come at a better time!  Although I cursed and moaned the entire time I was running, after the run, I immediately felt energized and ran to Natalie eager to plot out the next 34 workouts.

 

Meet Natalie

 

Natalie suggested that I ease back into my routine, as 35 consecutive days of working out isn’t great for the body.  So we came up with a plan that will alternate different types of fitness activities over the 35 days.  Cardio, weights, yoga, walks, zumba and more.  Our goal isn’t only to show what happens if you stick with working out for 35 days but also to provide ideas for fitness activities that may be outside of the typical ones you think about.  Natalie will be along for this entire journey – reading the blogs, making comments, providing her assessments, guest blogging and answering your questions!

 

I can’t wait to see where this road takes me!

 

DAY 1:

WEIGHT:    X lbs  (it’s not the actual # that matters, but how much I lose over the 35 days)
ACTIVITY:  Running 45 minutes on the treadmill
RESULT:     Immediate energy post-work out to power me through the rest of the evening!

 

*Unlike the 35 Dates Project, Project GetFit won’t be the only topic of my blog posts – so be sure that you look for updates under the Category on the side called “Project GetFit.”  Doing so will allow you to filter and see only those blogs related to this project!