Steve Sanders, Projectile Dysfunction and the Biggest Asshole on Planet Earth

I fumbled for the phone.  Which was ringing.  Loudly.  Over and over.  I squinted at the clock.  It was 2:00 in the morning!  I didn’t recognize the number.  I answered it anyway.  “Hello?” I asked through a sleepy voice.  “What in the hell is this about you going out on 35 dates in 35 days?!” the voice on the other end boomed!  My heart stopped!  My eyes opened wide and I jolted straight up in my bed!  Without missing a beat, I asked “Why in the hell do you care?!”  There was a long period of silence followed by the sound of his laughter.  “I’ve missed you baby,” he said.  He was drunk.  I slapped my hand to my forehead.  Was this seriously happening?  It was like I was a freshman in college all over again!

 

Ian Ziering (a.k.a. Steve Sanders)

 

It had been 15 years since I last heard his voice.  I met him during our freshmen year of college when he was up from JMU visiting a friend at GWU.  We were walking through campus to a basketball game when he reached out and held my hand.  I looked from our hands, clasped together, up towards his eyes and smiled.  He had the most crystal clear blue eyes I had ever seen.  He looked like Steve Sanders.  And right there – in the middle of the street – Steve Sanders kissed me.

“Steve” was my first real boyfriend.  I was a freshman at GWU.  He was a freshman at JMU.  It was a “long distance” love affair, confined to weekend visits and summer vacation.  I was head over heels.  He wasn’t.  So why did I stay?  I blame Projectile Dysfunction.

 

"The Lovers IV" (He's not really what she thinks)

 

Now, I’m no expert on psychology but, from my limited understanding, it appears that there are multiple theories of “projection.”  My interpretation of these theories is as follows:  A) An individual has certain traits within themselves, most likely lurking in the dark corners of the unconscious, that they wish to avoid.  In order to avoid, or deny, these negative traits, they instead project them on to someone (usually their partner) and attribute those negative traits to be coming from their partner; B) An individual has an idea, again usually rooted in the unconscious, of the type of person that they wish to be with (friends, lover) and they project those ideas of their “perfect person” onto another, ignoring all the while that the person does not have those traits and, also, ignoring the person’s genuine self; and C) The same as A and B, except that, by projecting, the person being projected upon actually believes these things to be true about themself and, in fact, starts to display those traits – although not genuine or authentic to their self.

All of the theories seem to agree that projection is inevitable.  The concern is when one can’t pull back the projection and separate the reality from the fantasy.

 

Start the Projector - It's Show Time!

 

I don’t know if these theories are accurate.  I can’t tell you if they explain “why” I project.  But I can tell you that is exactly what I did with Steve.  I projected all over him.  And fell in love with a distortion of reality.  Unfortunately, young and in love, I wasn’t ever able to pull back my projections and never saw Steve for who he really was.  I only saw what I wanted to see.  What I wanted him to be.  Until he called me at 2:00 a.m. on September 15, 2011 – 15 years after the day he left me crying and broken-hearted.  It was as if someone turned the projector on full speed.  I saw scene after scene flash before my eyes.  The mean things he said.  The lies.  The cheating.  “You were horrible to me, Steve,”  I said into the phone.  He was quiet.  “I know,” he replied.  “We were young.  I was immature, at best.  I’m sorry.”  And he really was.

 

James Altucher

 

In his blog post of September 25, 2011, titled, “ASK JAMES:  Threesomes, Success…and More!” James Altucher calls me a “total love addict.”  “I.e. you meet someone and project all sorts of stuff onto them that’s not there and then you fall in love.”  I never saw myself that way.  But, from my previous phone call with Steve, and the revelations that resulted therefrom, I knew James was dead on.

This past Friday, I met Jess McCann for lunch and to catch her up on things that happened in the weeks following the end of my 35 Dates in 35 Days Project.  The conversation turned to a few of the men from the 35 dates whom I’ve gone out with again since the end of the Project.  Specifically, two of the men.  As I answered her questions, I took time to pay attention to the words that were coming out of my mouth.  And in that instant I was able to see that I was turning on the projector, yet again.  Projecting things onto these men to make them what I wanted them to be.  To see what I wanted to see.  Instead of seeing them for who and how they really are.  But this time, I was able to stop.  I was able to pull back the projections and separate my “fantasy” from reality.

I am not implying that what I saw once I pulled back the projections was bad!  Not at all.  All it means is that I am able to see these men for who they are, right at this moment.  Instead of mirroring myself in them, I am now able to relate to them.  And by doing so, our relationships, however they progress, will be genuine and authentic.  I no longer suffer from Projectile Dysfunction.  My projection is still there but under control.  It just took swallowing a slightly bitter pill.

 

Back to Steve Sanders

 

As for Steve, I ended my conversation with him that evening with no clear understanding as to what prompted his call.  Until I got a text the next day.  Turns out Steve had read an earlier blog post where I listed the Top 5 Loves in my life.  And he wanted to know which number he was.

 

Steve Sanders calls Shenanigans!

 

He didn’t make the top 5.  But he did make a blog post.  I even gave it the title he wanted.

 

“Once you realize that the world is your own projection, you are free of it. You need not free yourself of a world that does not exist, except in your own imagination! However is the picture, beautiful or ugly, you are painting it and you are not bound by it. Realize that there is nobody to force it on you, that it is due to the habit of taking the imaginaryto be real. See the imaginary as imaginary and be free of fear.”

~Nisargadatta Maharaj

 

Charmed, I’m sure! (Date 35 of 35)

I sat in my car for over an hour, unable to move.  When I thought I had pulled myself together, I’d break out in another fit of tears.  Sobbing aloud.  Uncontrollably.  Aces had pulled the rug out from under me.  For the next two days, I didn’t leave my house.  My eyes were, literally, swollen to the size of golf balls.  Eventually, I pulled myself together.  My eyes returned to normal.  But, inside, I felt –  lost.  Aces was more than a relationship to me.  He was structure.  He was a routine.  With the title “girlfriend,”  I had a role to play.  I knew what to do, how to be.  Now, after 5 years, I was left to fend for myself.  I had no plan.  No blueprint.  I was terrified.

 

I like to follow rules.  Follow instructions.  Because it’s safe.  I believe it may even be why I started this 35/35 Project.  I once again had a “plan.”  A way things needed to go.   Suddenly, I didn’t feel so out of control.  I knew what to do.  I even had date coaches like Jess McCann, Dave Elliott, Jeffrey Platts and Michelle Ezra Jacoby telling me how to do it.  I had structure.  So I approached Date 35 with mixed feelings.  I was feeling happy at having “met my goal.”  I was sad that such a fabulous experience was coming to an end.  And I was a little bit scared at what was to come now that it was all ending.

 

 

It was fitting that date 35 was James.  I’ve known James for about two years.  And James was there for me in the days following the end of my relationship with Aces.  He’d call and check on me.  Offered use of his lake house so I could get away by myself.  He would provide support and  encouragement.  It was only right that he be there for me on the other side of it all.

I couldn’t have picked a more fitting “last date” for the 35/35 Project than what James selected.  James is a jeweler.  For our date, I met him at one of his stores, Jewelers Warehouse USA, located in Silver Spring, MD.  He took me in the back of the store and I saw, written on a white board, our “task” for the evening.  We were going to create a charm bracelet and I was going to create 35 links – one specific for each of the 35 dates, based on their personalities and our experiences.

 

 

He had me think about each date.  The individuals, their personalities and also the experiences we shared.  James then had me assign a shape, and a design, to each date based on the feelings I experienced as I recounted each one.  This was more difficult than I imagined.  I found it hard to create a visual representation of my internal feelings.  So much had happened.  Even so much that hasn’t, yet, made it into this blog.  How could I capture the elaborate images and feelings, in simple, medal, wire charms?

But James helped me focus.  He started talking about the art of jewelry making.  The first step, is to be an apprentice.  Follow instructions.  By following instructions, you learn techniques.  After practicing the techniques, you master the fundamentals.  Once you have the fundamentals mastered, you have the confidence to get creative.  That’s when your work becomes unique.  And uniqueness makes your product stand out from the crowd.  And get noticed, even in a large sea of competition.  Tonight was simply about following the instructions and beginning to learn the basic techniques.  Soon, I had 35 charms laid out in front of me.

 

With James at Azteca

 

After we had finished the bracelet, we headed to James’ new restaurant, Azteca Cantina in College Park, MD.  If you can’t tell, James is a true entrepreneur.  He has a dream and he sees it through.  And he works hard for the results.  James has been working on opening this restaurant almost the entire time I’ve known him.  To actually see his vision become a reality, was an inspiration.  And true to his philosophy for life, our date was going to be no different.  Tonight, we were going to work for our supper!

He slapped an apron on me, grabbed my hand and we disappeared into the kitchen where I learned a few secrets on how to make some fabulous fish tacos!  With our meal prepared, we found a quiet table and capped off the 35/35 Project with some very tasty margaritas.  I’ve always been awed by James’ ability to make his life happen.   But as we talked, he helped me see the 35/35 Project, and myself, through his eyes.  For a moment, it was as if I was on the outside looking in.  And I was able to see that I’m doing the same thing.  While my relationships and life can’t be scripted, I have learned how to be an active participant.  How to make my life happen for me, instead of allowing it to happen to me.

When I got home, I looked at the photo I had taken of the charms.  All so basic, simple but very meaningful.  Then it hit me.   The 35/35 Project was my apprenticeship.  The dating coaches, my readers and, even more importantly, the dates themselves, taught me so many lessons.  And those lessons helped me develop certain skills and techniques.  Which have allowed me to understand the fundamentals.  And because of this, I can now build, creatively.  Continue to push myself out of my comfort zone.  Be unique.  Stand out.

 

35 Dates in 35 Days

 

Date 35 may have marked the end of the 35/35 Project, but this is only the beginning of Rita’s Quest.   I’ve simply developed what I needed in order to make my life happen.  The next phase is it actually HAPPENING.  No blueprint.  No set plan.  No real structure.   But there is such creativity brewing and so many things that will result.  And I hope you stay with me through it all!  Because what is next, isn’t just my quest.  It’s one that will help us all to become unique and to stand out, among a sea of competition.  We can all make our life happen.  Sometimes, you just need a foundation and some strong support!

Making Love to the Camera (Date 34 of 35)

My mother must have been having an affair with the entire staff of Olan Mills Portrait Studio in Pensacola.  Because we went there every week.  At least, it seems like we went there every week.  Well, we have enough photos that, realistically, we could have been there every week. 

 

           

 

When I was a kid, there was nothing, nothing, that I loved more than posing for the camera!   I would strike a pose.  I’d artfully display my profile.  I’d perform for the camera.  And I was an expert at making pouty, surprised faces.  The minute someone whipped out a camera, the surrounding environment became my playground!  In front of a camera, I felt alive!

 

Surprised, pouty face!

 

I can’t pinpoint the exact moment in my life when that stopped.  I think it was about the time that my photos started looking like this:

 

  

 

 

 

I was an “early bloomer.”  I had my first real bra before my friends even knew what a training bra was.  And that opened me up to tons of ridicule.  I remember going to my locker in middle school and, daily, hearing certain boys call me “big tits” and many other names that I won’t list here.  I became self-conscious.  I’d take certain routes to class to avoid my locker.  I started focusing on my looks in their entirety.  And I never liked what I saw.  My teeth weren’t straight.  My thighs were too big.  My breasts were too large.  I know now that the teasing was because I was different.  And being different doesn’t mean being ugly.  I’ve grown to really love my body ( still, certain features more than others).  And I won’t lie, while I don’t feel the level of self consciousness that I did then, I  won’t stop at a mirror or look at my own photographs.  It’s a lock that if you tag me in a Facebook photo that tag will disappear in less than one minute.

 

I met date 34, Chris, during the taping of The JellyVision Show for date 14.  One of the hosts, Jennifer, jokingly mentioned to Chris that he should be one of my dates.  At the end of the show, we were talking and both decided “why not?”  I had a date spot open.  He could carry on a conversation.  I happily locked it down.

Chris is an artist.  A photographer, among many other talents.  So when he mentioned that a studio was going to be involved in our date, I was excited!  I’ve always dabbled in photography and am eager to take my skill level up a notch to become less of an “amateur.”  But as our conversations progressed, it was clear that a photography lesson wasn’t what Chris had in mind.  Rather, I was going to be the subject of the session.  (*Insert images of “casting couch” sessions spinning through my mind, with the theme song to “Fame” playing in the background*)

 

 

Union 206 Studio

 

I arrived at Union 206 Studio in Old Town Alexandria before Chris.  That gave me time to primp.  And primp.  And primp some more.  I thought that nothing could be more terrifying than trapeze school.  I was wrong.  Chris arrived and we hugged hello and I almost tripped over my feet!  I was a nervous wreck!  Luckily, a photographer and employee of the studio, Lori, was around and we chatted and calmed my nerves down while Chris prepared the lighting.  Entirely too soon, it was time for the session to begin.  I was frozen.  A disaster in front of the lens.  Chris was patient and kind and professional.  He possesses a certain quality that makes you feel at ease.  (Although, as he was my date, I don’t think I got as relaxed as I could have had he been a random party taking my photograph.)   Before I knew it, the session was over.  I didn’t look at any of the photographs. 

Chris had prepared a picnic dinner that we enjoyed in the studio.  We discussed my fear of being photographed.  Photography in general.  The time flew.  Our studio time was up.  We weren’t ready for the night to end, so we walked around the harbor of Old Town Alexandria for a while and wandered into Virtue Feed and Grain where we were the only two in the bar.  We sat until closing, talking about our philosophies on art, dating, and life.  Maybe it’s due to the skills that he’s acquired as a photographer.  Or due to the amazing ability he has to read someone.  But I felt very comfortable with Chris.  Not once was I focused on what I was saying, how I was saying it, how I looked or how I sounded.  Rather, I was just able to be.  To be completely present.  100% comfortable with who I was, right at that moment.

He since e-mailed me, sending me one of the photos for the blog.  I’ll be honest, I’m nervous to post the photo!  But here it goes:

 

Test Photo 1

 

The minute I opened the photo file, my mind started racing, focusing on everything that I did not like about my appearance.  But I stopped myself cold.  In working with dating coaches Jess McCann and Dave Elliott, I’ve grown to recognize when I start down the path of “negative thinking.”  And I stop myself and make a sharp right turn towards positive thoughts.  The article, “Why is Self-Esteem Important for Dating,” lists ten, solid, tips for building one’s self-esteem.  I cleared my head, looked at the photo and stopped comparing myself to my friends, models and other girls I know.  I focused on the attributes in the photo that I love.  I vocalized the strengths of the photo aloud.  Within minutes, my opinion of the photo – and of me – had changed.  I found that I felt similar to the way I did by the end of my night with Chris.  Flawed and beautiful all at the same time.

 

I wrote Chris back, thanking him for the photo.  In fact, he may do another photo shoot of me and, this time, I’ll be more like the girl that used to go to Olan Mills – relaxed, using the studio as my playground and having fun!  I’d rather take a moment of embarrassment that results in beauty and pleasure, than a moment of pleasure that results in a life time of embarrassment! 

 

 

“Your value is the product of your thoughts.  Do not  miscalculate your self-worth by multiplying your insecurities.”  ~Dodinsky

 

“Most things in life are moments of pleasure and a lifetime of embarrassment;
photography is a moment of embarrassment and a lifetime of pleasure.”  ~Tony Benn

You Had Questions – We’ve Got Answers!

A few weeks ago, I invited you, my readers, to submit your questions regarding almost any and every topic to be answered by our experts!   We received MANY questions and, I’m happy to say, I have the answers you were seeking! 

Before we get to the answers, let me introduce you to the experts who tackled your questions!

Dave Elliott

 

 

Dave Elliott

Relationship Coach

www.legendaryloveforlife.com

 

Find out more about Dave by clicking on Team RITA!

 

 

 

 

 

Jess McCann

 

 

Jess McCann

Dating and Relationship Coach

www.jessmccann.com

 

Find out more about Jess by clicking on Team RITA!

 

 

 

 

Jeffrey Platts

 

 

Jeffrey Platts

Dating/Relating Coach

www.jeffreyplatts.com

 

Jeffrey Platts is passionate about helping men and women connect more deeply and authentically, both in dating and in life.  Jeffrey’s typical clients are everyday men and women who are interested in self-awareness and shifting their perspective of themselves, dating and love. His philosophy is not based on tricks or complex theories, but on solid practices and mindsets that get to the core of what makes you most attractive and approachable. 

 

 

Michelle Ezra Jacoby

 

 

Michelle Ezra Jacoby

Owner, DC Matchmaking

www.dcmatchmaking.com

 

DC Matchmaking is a discreet, upscale boutique matchmaking company for attractive, successful commitment-minded singles in DC, MD and VA offering matchmaking, dating and relationship coaching.

 

 

 

 

 

QUESTION & ANSWERS

 

 

 Q1:  RITA – HOW DID YOU GET 35 DATES IN 35 CONSECUTIVE DAYS?  I CAN’T EVEN GO ON 35 DATES IN A YEAR!

 

A:  I asked!!  Trust me, when I came up with the idea for this project, I didn’t think that it would all come together.  So imagine my surprise when, within 2 weeks, I had 35 consecutive dates scheduled!  I e-mailed my friends, who e-mailed it to their friends/co-workers/family who e-mailed it to their contacts and so on and so on.  I utilized Match.com as well.  When I asked the dates why they decided to go they all said the same thing – it sounded different and fun!  I think by taking the pressure off of the date having to have any ulterior motive/meaning, guys felt comfortable to just go and meet someone!

 

Most importantly, I didn’t say NO to anyone (unless my schedule was full).  Really, it means I didn’t filter as I might have normally done outside of this 35/35 project.  Age, race, profession – none of it mattered.  If they asked, I said yes.  What’s the harm in simply meeting a person?  You never know why you are meant to cross paths until you let it happen! 

 

 

Q2:  RITA – AREN’T YOU TIRED??  WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO AFTER THE 35TH DATE?

 

A:  Yes, I did get tired!  But, every time that I would be out on the date, I would be having so much fun and would feel this crazy amount of energy!  I was so glad, each and every time, that I didn’t talk myself out of going to see the guy.  It really wasn’t the “dating” that was so tiring but, honestly, the writing afterwards.  Still, it became like any other routine you put into your schedule (gym, school, etc.).  My body adjusted!

 

After my last date?  I’m going to do laundry!!  In terms of dating, I’m not going to stop.  Some of the 35 have asked me on second dates, and I intend to go and I haven’t ruled out future dates with people who weren’t part of this 35 project.  I plan on meeting people and experiencing new things!   I rediscovered the city, found some new activities I enjoy and plan to just continue living life and taking mine by the reins and having a great time!

 

 

Q3:  DID YOU REALLY FIND 35 GUYS TO PAY YOUR WAY ON 35 DIFFERENT DATES OR DID YOU GO BROKE ALL IN THE NAME OF A SOCIAL PROJECT?

 

A:  The date “paying my way” was never a requirement for this project.  In fact, some dates didn’t cost any money at all (walking around the monuments) or were minimal in cost (coffee).  I offered each and every time to split the date down the middle.  Some of the dates allowed me to and others absolutely refused any offer to share the cost.  It wasn’t something that was discussed before hand and it wasn’t an expectation.  It was really no different from real life dates and that question of “who pays?” 

 

 

Q4:  WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THE 34 LEFT OVERS (AS I ASSUME ONE OF THE 35 WILL CLICK)?

 

A:  Well, as of right now, I came out of the 35 Project still single (as I should be)!  I clicked with a few of the dates and will see them again.  Still, as for ALL of them, whether I clicked with them or not – I feel they are great men and I would like to most definitely share them with the world!  I’ve been thinking of having a cocktail party or some other type of gathering where any of the 35 dates can attend and, of course, any ladies who would like to meet them.  It’s my hope that each and every one of them find their love before too long – they all deserve it!

 

 

Q5:  IS THERE ANY INFORMATION ON THE DATES THAT YOU AREN’T SHARING IN THE BLOG?

 

A:  Yes.  Not all of the information is making it into the blog.  Usually because it didn’t fit within the overall theme of the specific post.  Other information because I don’t feel it’s appropriate to link to specified individuals and also, some things you just want to keep private.  (And, yes, I do plan on turning this into a book eventually and am saving some of the interesting info that didn’t fit into a post for that!)

 

 

Q6:  WHAT WILL YOU DO WITH THE BLOG AFTER THE 35/35 PROJECT ENDS?

 

A:  Oh, I am so glad you asked!!!  It’s not going ANYWHERE.  In fact, it’s only just beginning!!  Of course, there will be more dates and more stories.  However, I’ll still be working and interacting with the dating coaches and other life coaches and plan to share their information.  The site will be revamped to become more interactive allowing the readers to contribute and direct how the site flows as well.  Also, I’ll be doing reviews on events and places where singles will want to go.  And trust me, much much more.  I think you guys will really like what’s coming!

 

 

Q7:  HOW DOES A MATCHMAKER WORK?

 

A (Michelle Ezra Jacoby):  As a matchmaker, I work with a small group of clients, each for a one-year term.  I get to know my clients extremely well so that I understand who they are on the deepest level and also what they are looking for in a partner.  I interview each potential match personally (face-to-face), run background investigations, coordinate schedules and arrange dates (make dinner reservations), am “on call” the evening of the date, get feedback from both parties and provide necessary coaching.  During the year that I work with my clients, I make myself extremely accessible, provide unlimited introductions, work extremely hard and strive to make each client feel that he/she is my only client!  Together we go on a journey, that in the end, often leads to love.  It’s wonderful!

 

 

Q8:  WHAT KINDS OF PEOPLE USE A MATCHMAKER?

 

A (Michelle Ezra Jacoby):   My clients are exceptional. They are attractive, educated, savvy, and successful. I work with high-caliber singles who are ready for and committed to finding long-term relationships.  My clients hire me because they are too busy to find dates on their own and want to outsource the search.  Typically, they do not want to participate in the “singles scene”.  Some of my clients are single parents who want to utilize their time so they can focus on their children.  It all comes down to how you want to spend your time and the opportunities you create (or fail to create) for yourself.  I find, screen interview and arrange the dates.  All my clients have to do is show up and enjoy a fun evening with a quality person!

 

 

Q9:  WHY SHOULD I HIRE A MATCHMAKER?

 

A (Michelle Ezra Jacoby):  If you’re too busy to make the effort, if you’ve been picking the wrong kind of men or women for yourself, if you want to cast a wider net and meet people you wouldn’t normally have the opportunity to meet, or if you’ve been talking the talk but have failed to walk the walk, then you might want to hire a matchmaker. A (good) matchmaker will introduce you to quality singles and then coach you to success.   If you are dedicated to putting in the time and making a huge effort on your own, then you probably won’t need a matchmaker.  But if you prefer to sit back, relax and have someone else do the work for you, matchmaking might be a great option.

 

 

Q10:  WHY IS IT SO HARD TO GET A GUY TO COMMIT?

 

A (Dave Elliott):   I can guarantee that if you’re finding it hard to get a guy to commit, it’s because you are communicating on your values and not his necessarily.  As the masculine partner, it’s his job to be the hunter, not the prey. (Trust me, you wouldn’t want it any other way…unless, of course, you like weak, indecisive men you can push around).  A man will actually make a quick decision and take a woman off the market when he is offered a deal that is too good to pass up…men are competitive by nature and won’t want to lose an amazing woman to someone else. I would suggest you ask a better question. Instead of how do I get him to commit, ask how can I understand exactly what he needs and wants…and assuming that’s a match with what you want…then, how can I confidently demonstrate my value to him while remaining 100% true to what I need and want? Ask a better question, get a better result.

 

 

Q11:  IT SEEMS INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT TO FIND SOMEONE READY TO SETTLE DOWN.  IS THAT JUST A DC THING?

 

A (Michelle Ezra Jacoby):   It’s hard everywhere, to be honest.  But in DC, we’re so incredibly work focused!  In fact, I think many singles use work as a crutch.  It’s easy to fill our time and our calender with work related activities when we should be making more of an effort to meet other singles.  I ask my coaching clients if they think they would be getting different results if they devoted 20% of the effort to dating that they devote to their work.  The answer is always YES.

 

 

Q12:  WHAT HAPPENS IN DATE COACHING?  IS IT LIKE THERAPY? ARE THERE ASSIGNMENTS? IS IT AFFORDABLE?

 

A (Jess McCann):  Dating coaches do many things, but in general we help people achieve their relationships goals. Often, it is the case that men and women unknowingly do (or don’t do) something that is preventing them for finding or maintaining the relationship they want. It’s my job to find out what that something is. By asking good questions, analyzing past patterns and using certain evaluating techniques, I can usually determine the root of a client’s problem fairly quickly. Then it’s just a matter of formulating a plan to help them tweak (or at times, completely renovate) their behavior going forward.” It’s not like therapy because it’s a forward moving process and therapy usually deals with reconciling one’s past.  I do a little of that but only in order to formulate a plan for the future!  There are always homework assignments – the majority of change happens not when you are sitting on my couch, but what you do when you are out on your own living life.  (Note from Rita – Jess McCann is offering a special to all of my blog readers.  Find out more by contacting her via www.jessmccann.com)

 

A (Dave Elliott):  As a relationship coach, I teach people the skills and awareness that make the difference between success and struggle. After each session, we have action items to address or act upon between sessions. The difference between coaching and therapy is that in therapeutic intervention, problems are addressed from point of origin (i.e. your childhood). In coaching, I focus on where you are now, where you want to be, and together, we create a plan to help you get you there. Along the way, I provide teaching, support, encouragement and real-time feedback that keeps you accountable for the result you want to create. As for whether my rates are affordable, I would ask the clients who called off a filed divorce and the accompanying division of assets and attorney fees or I would ask the ones who doubled their household income by getting married or engaged. In addition, I offer my clients who are committed to results a sliding scale on my rates because I believe those who commit deserve the very best pricing.  (Note from Rita – Dave is offering a special to all readers of this blog, so please contact him for more information!)

 

 

Q13:  DON’T GUYS ONLY WANT PHYSICALLY FIT GIRLS?  DOES IT MATTER WHAT YOUR INSIDES ARE LIKE IF YOUR OUTSIDES DON’T MATCH?

 

A (Jeffrey Platts):  No matter what your body type or physical characteristics, there ARE people out there that are attracted to exactly that type.  While looks are what people might be attracted to initially, it’s personality, values and energy that has them want to be around you long-term.  At the same time, there is something very attractive about a man or woman who takes care of the body he or she has.  When you work out, eat healthy, dress well, it shows that you have respect for yourself and value who you are.  Embrace the body you have and do your best to make it healthy, strong and well-dressed.

 

 

Q14:   I KEEP GETTING TERRIBLE RESPONSES TO MY ONLINE DATING PROFILE.  WHAT’S UP WITH THAT?

 

A (Michelle Ezra Jacoby):  Do you have great photos?  If they’re not exceptional, you won’t get good results.  Online dating is very visual, and your photos are probably 80% of your profile.  I recommend having professional photos taken.  Have them taken in a casual outdoor setting.  When it comes to your essay, keep it light, breezy, positive and fun.  Show – don’t tell about yourself.  Instead of saying you have a good sense of humor, write a funny profile.  Instead of saying you’re “adventurous”, tell the reader about one of your adventures! I work with my coaching clients to help them understand how to brand themselves online. I point out that different kinds of bait catch different kinds of fish.  You must write your profile to attract the kind of person you wish to meet.  I help my coaching clients to date online effective so that they get the very best results with the smallest investment of their time.  There is a right way and a wrong way to date online. This article may be helpful: http://www.yourtango.com/experts/michelle-jacoby/12-common-online-dating-mistakes.

 

 

Q15:  HOW LONG SHOULD YOU WAIT BEFORE SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE?

 

A (Dave Elliott):  Honestly, I don’t believe in hard and fast rules so will resist in setting what could be an artificial or arbitrary amount of time because there are far too many variables. Here’s what I can tell you for certain. Men and women are wired in reverse. A woman in her feminine cannot open to sex until she fails safe and protected enough to be vulnerable, which for some, feels like love. The challenge is that the masculine tends to open to love through sex or physical intimacy. Can you see the dilemma? Of course, there are always variations in individual human behavior but by and large, that’s the way it works no matter how people behave. My best advice is that using sex as a means to get, catch or keep someone often ends up in pain…so be clear on that before you even consider it. If you are truly attracted to someone and feel like you have developed the emotional intimacy to share your love freely with them with no expectation in return, then by all means, sharing love and intimacy are beautiful gifts. Now, I know people will get hung up on the “no expectation” part…but here’s the secret: no one wants to feel trapped or obligated to do something. When love is freely given and received, people WANT TO come back…freely and of their own will.

 

A (Jess McCann):  Ideally you should wait until you are in a committed relationship for a period of time with the guy.  Most girls who sleep with a guy before then run the risk of falling in love with someone who isn’t fully invested in the relationship yet, or may never be.  Even if a woman sleeps with someone who she’s not sure she wants a relationship with is at risk – because, quite often, after she has sex several times, she becomes emotionally attached anyway. 

 

 

 

Q16:    SHOULD GIRLS ASK GUYS OUT?  IN PERSON?  ONLINE?  SHOULD GIRLS INITIATE A 2ND DATE?

 

A (Jess McCann):  No, a girl should not ask a guy out.  She can initiate a conversation with a guy by using an “icebreaker” to strike up a conversation, but a girl should never flat-out ask a guy out.  If he’s interested he will ask her.  A girl can reach out to a guy online first, and suggest a coffee date to actually meet for the first time  (this is just to see if there is any mutual chemistry)  but once she has met the guy in person, it is his turn to do all the asking. 

 

A (Dave Elliott):  A huge part of what I teach is understanding how polarity really works. I compare it to another natural law called gravity that’s always in effect and never stops working whether you understand it or not. In order to have attraction, you need to have one partner in masculine and one in feminine. Of course there are exceptions to the rule but most of the time, relationships work best when the man is in his masculine and he does the pursuing…that’s what hunters do. That being said, the one thing that attracts the masculine most is a woman who is appreciative and open to receiving his gifts. So instead of asking guys out, I would definitely encourage women to let men know when they appreciate him and specifically notice when he does something well and praise that. Most men would tell you there’s nothing more attractive than a women who knows how to be open and vulnerable…yet at the same time understands that the pursuit is part of the process.

 

 

 Q17: HOW DO YOU BREAK THE ICE WITH SOMEONE?

A (Jess McCann):  Take a look at your surroundings.  If you are at a bar, ask the guy next to you if there are any happy hour specials, or to pass you a menu (that’s how I met my husband.)  You don’t have to break the ice with something witty, the point is not to wow the guy – it’s to let him know that you are friendly and willing to chat.  If he is interested, he will keep the conversation going.  Same thing online.  Take notice of something in someone’s profile – maybe they kite board, or used to live in Alaska.  Those are unique things. Ask a question about them to break the ice.  Just remember to K.I.S.S. all your emails – that stands for Keep it short and simple.

 

 

Q18:  WHAT ARE HABITS IN WOMEN THAT MEN JUST HATE?  TRUE DEAL BREAKERS?

 A (Dave Elliott):  There are 3 cardinal sins that will pretty much get you dumped quickly…especially by a good man who insists on a woman of character. First of all, never come across as unappreciative of his gifts and what he provides or act as if it’s just simply expected. Secondly, don’t act clingy or needy and try to tie a man down and limit his options without offering him something better in return. Most women fail to appreciate just how hard-wired it is for a man to live and die yearning for freedom because she’s just not wired that way. Lastly, if you don’t want him to try to change or manipulate you, don’t do it to him. Of course, everyone has their own unique “pet peeve” list (which was created by someone else messing up before you) but those 3 are pretty universal.

 

 

 

Q19:  WHAT IS AUTHENTIC GAME NIGHT?  WHAT IS BEING AUTHENTIC?  IS IT SAYING WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY, CONSEQUENCES BE DAMNED?!

 

A (Jeffrey Platts):  By “authentic” we simply mean that each person is known, loved and celebrated for all of who they are — their unique gifts, AS WELL AS their quirky insecurities, kinks and blind spots. There is no cookie-cutter mold for how you “should” be or what relating “should look like”. It’s about acknowledgement, raw honesty, feedback & reflection AND fun, laughter & play. Yes, it does involve more honesty and going outside your comfort zone, but it doesn’t mean just blurting out things without sensitivity or regard for the other person. By “games” we mean fun, highly interactive partner and group exercises that demonstrate and explore relating, getting to know yourself better while at the same time learning to see and appreciate more about everyone you connect with. It’s exploring the art of relating with people.   (Note from Rita – Jeffrey’s next Authentic Games Night is in DC on October 15th.  Find out more at www.jeffreyplatts.com)

 

 

Q20:  HOW DO YOU END A BAD RELATIONSHIP?

 

A (Dave Elliott):  How do you get the courage to leave? There’s really no substitute for a healthy self-esteem and clarity on what you really want to attract into your life. When people stay long after they should, it usually comes down to either not believing they deserve better…or not believing they’ll find better which is all about a scarcity mindset. Both of those beliefs are severely skewed and with coaching can be eliminated. The sad truth is there are people out there right now…ones you probably know…who stay in poor relationships…or avoid them all together because they don’t realize there is another option available.

 

 

Q21:  WHAT ARE SOME TIPS FOR SPEED DATING EVENTS?!

 

A (Jess McCann):  Have fun! Be present. Don’t think or drink too much!

 

 

Q22:  WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO APPROACH SOMEONE WHO CATCHES YOUR EYE?

 

A (Jess McCann):  Use the SEE factor.  It stands for Smile, Eye Contact, Energy.  If you see a guy that you think is cute, smile at him and maintain good eye contact for 10-15 seconds.  This will let him know that if he approaches you, he will not be shot down.  It’s also important to exude a good positive energy while doing this. 

 

 

Q23:   I’VE BEEN TOLD I’M A “MASCULINE” WOMAN (AND NOT IN TERMS OF PHYSICAL APPEARANCE).  WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? DOES BEING MORE FEMININE MEAN I HAVE TO WEAR DRESSES, KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT AND DO WHAT THE GUY SAYS?

 

A (Dave Elliott):  There’s a huge difference between traditional gender roles and the core energy that you were born with inside of you. I really do understand the confusion and to be fair, there’s a lot of men out there who’ve been turned into wimpy pleasers by the well-intended feminine women who raised them, oftentimes on their own. There are tremendous upsides to being a powerful, independent woman at work…but the downside is if you stay in that mode 24/7, in order to have polarity where opposites attract…you will call in a man who is unempowered and reliant on you. For some, that will work…for most, I suspect it would be repulsive. The truth is, we all have both energies within us – and we have the operational flexibility to access what we need, when we need it. (By the way, that explains how so many powerful, independent women got that way in the 1st place). Bottom line; here’s the most important point to all of this – if you’re all-powerful and totally independent on your own – what would you even need a man for anyway? You simply need to create a space for a man to serve you…and the right one will…gladly.

 

 

Q24:  I AM DIVORCED (CHEATED ON) AND NOW I SEEM TO ONLY FIND EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE MEN!  HOW DO I CHANGE THAT PATTERN?

 

A (Jess McCann):  How do you change any bad dating pattern? There are unfortunately a lot of people out there that aren’t right for you.  You have to keep in mind that 99% of the men you date will NOT work out.  You are only going to end up with one person, so it doesn’t really matter that you went on 50 dates with 50 duds. What matters is that you keep a good attitude and don’t get frustrated while you are sifting through the slush pile, so to speak. The key to breaking a pattern is to recognize what kind of men does not work for you, and the early signs that men give you on a date that tell you he’s in that category.  Then instead of doing what you used to do and holding on and hoping for the best, you move on to someone else. This is why it is so important to “Fill the Funnel” when dating. 

 

 Q25:  DATING IS OVERWHELMING!  STRESSFUL!  WHAT CAN I DO TO TAKE THE PRESSURE OFF AND JUST HAVE FUN?

 

A (Jeffrey Platts):  It all comes down to perspective. If you’re not enjoying yourself, take a step back and look at what you are DOING and how your THINKING that is making is stressful for you.  Are you putting pressure on yourself to find “The One” or be in a relationship right away?  Do you go into first dates as job interviews?  Is the rest of your life enjoyable so that dating is more like icing on the cake and not your sole source of fun?  Dating is supposed to be fun and enjoyable, so find some ways of thinking about dating that feel good to you as you think it.

  

 

THANK YOU to Dave, Jess, Jeffrey and Michelle for taking time out of their regularly scheduled days to answer these questions! 

HAVE MORE QUESTIONS??!

There will be future Q&A sessions with a variety of experts!  Questions about dating, relationships, wardrobe, make-up, fitness, Washington, DC – anything!  Submit them to Rita@singlesinthesuburbs.com

 

Ten Point Must (Date 31 of 35)

“Rita, there is no need to rush.  Slow and steady with your movements.”  I focused on my instructor, Ken.  I centered my energy, took a deep breath and extended my gloved hand, making solid, hard, contact with the mitt.   I felt the power radiate through my body!  “There you go!  The key is to just take your time.  If you do that, you’ll make the contact you are looking for,” Ken said.  I was at a boxing class at Results Gym (Farragut North location) with date 31, Rich.  That name may be familiar, because date 31 was also date 21.

 

Boxing at Results Gym

 

I sense the raised eyebrows and slight confusion happening on the other side of the monitor, so let me depart from my regularly scheduled blog post format to give you the information I assume you are craving.  Rich’s invitation for a 2nd date happened to fall before the end of the 35/35 Project.  It was going to be an “off the record” second date.  But my regularly scheduled date cancelled.  (I checked my own rules and they say 35 dates in a row…not 35 first dates.)  And I feel that what happened on date #31 is of enough interest, and use, for you, my readers.  So that is how I ended up on a second date with Rich, as date 31.

 

Remember Rich?

 

After our class, we cleaned ourselves up and headed out to brunch.  The weather was extremely beautiful so we took our time walking through Dupont in search of the perfect brunch spot and decided on Kramerbooks and Afterwords Cafe.  As we waited for a table, we browsed the books and talked about…everything.  The conversation didn’t miss a beat throughout brunch.  The timing was perfect.  We got each other’s jokes.  After brunch we walked through Dupont Circle and sat together on a bench where the conversation continued.

 

Great brunch

 

The conversation became deeper, focused on our goals and aspirations.  Our families.  Our childhoods.  Our pasts.  The timing was still amazing.  The words flowing between us with ease.  The body language was right.  But, as great as things seemed, I wanted to make sure that I wasn’t repeating mistakes from my past.  So I focused the conversation on the “right questions.”  I internally analyzed the answers.  I searched for the “authentic Rich.”  At all times, purposefully holding back.  Not wanting to rush anything.  I looked at my watch and realized that 6 hours had passed since the time we met for the boxing class!  The day had flown by!

Rich walked me to my car.  I couldn’t put my finger on it, but something in our goodbye was different from on our first date.  On my way home, I started replaying in my mind the questions I had asked Rich and his answers.   Although our conversation had flowed, I had a few concerns.  By the time I pulled into my parking space at home,  I had decided that it would be best to not pursue things with Rich further.

 

Ten Point Must

 

It’s like the “Ten Point Must,” the method of scoring in boxing.  The winning score for each round is 10.  The winner must have 10 points to win the round.  Anything less is losing.  Many of us use a similar “scoring” system in dating.  Even if we don’t mean to.  Each time we meet a “contender” we start to compare them, trait by trait, to our “list.”  Our list of qualifications.  I don’t mean superficial qualifications (although some do use those).  I mean those qualifications usually derived from our past experiences and past relationships.  If someone doesn’t meet a trait on that list, we eliminate them.  In her book, “You Lost Him at Hello,” Jess McCann says “In this [dating] game, it takes just one strike and you’re out.”  She goes on to say, “I’m sure you can think of tons of examples where [someone] did or said something that completely turned you off.  It only took one thing, one word, one look, and you were done.”

I sat there, thinking.  “What are you doing, Rita?!”  On a Ten Point Must system, Rich had scored at least a 7, probably an 8.  But not a perfect 10.  And I was about to eliminate him.  I was about to eliminate him even though we had two dates, that were highly enjoyed.  Where the conversation flowed.  Where the interaction had a genuine give and take.  Where we were able to pass hours without noticing the time.  Eliminate him over things that were really assumptions I was making about him based on certain answers he gave.  Assuming that there was a pattern he had when, after only 2 dates, I had no way of knowing if that was true.  I was making assumptions based on past experiences with others.  Not with him.

Later, Rich called.  He is very open and wanted to discuss his take on our date.  It turns out, on the Ten Point Must system, I had scored about the same.  And he was almost ready to eliminate me too.  I laughed and told him that I had a similar thought.  As we talked, we both came to the same conclusion.  In the world of “dating,” everyone is careful to not rush into anything – and they should be.  Yet, no one seems equally concerned with slowing down the process of elimination.  We’ll analyze, interpret and rule people out for all kinds of reasons, almost immediately.  Without even knowing that person.  Without knowing if the reason for elimination is “real.”  The reason usually based on assumptions.  “Taking it slow” should truly work in both directions.  You shouldn’t rush  into a relationship nor should you be so quick to dismiss someone.

When someone hasn’t scored a “perfect 10” you should take a step back and really look.  Look to see what the person does have and build your friendship from there and see what results.  You should do this before ruling them out for something they don’t have.  As the boxing instructor, Ken, told me earlier that morning, “The key is to just take your time.  If you do that, you’ll make the contact you are looking for.”  And that’s what Rich and I are doing.  We aren’t rushing – in either direction.  There is no need.  Especially after only a second date.

“Sometimes, people can be too clever by half. When it comes to knowledge of understanding other people, everybody thinks they are an expert. They think they can understand the motivations of others based on one or two interactions when, in fact, they are drawing upon stereotypes and are making wrongful assumptions. People who are quick to form impressions of others set themselves up for failure, especially those who are disposed to mistrust of others.”

-Krishna Kumar

Kissing Frogs (Date 29 of 35)

Liz knocked on my door.  “Let’s go out lady!” she said, swooshing into my house dressed to the nines and smelling like candy.  I was in my flannel pajama pants, pimple cream on my face and my hair pulled back into a pony tail.  I looked at her and plopped down on my couch.  “It’s been 6 months since you and Mr. Adventure broke up – it’s time for a new adventure!”   I raised my eyebrow and looked at her.  “I’ve had plenty of adventure, thanks.  I’ll pass.”  She pouted, disappeared into my room and started throwing clothes out into the hall. I buried my head into the cushion.

The truth was, I had indeed had my fair share of adventure.  One month after my break up with Mr. Adventure, I got on Match.com.  Since that time, I had been told that I wasn’t beautiful, had been stood-up mid date, and had become a favorite piece in the “I’m keeping you in my back pocket” game.  I was tired.  I was done.   “It will happen when it’s supposed to happen.” I yelled out to Liz.  She marched into my living room, looked at me and said “You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince, Rita.  And your prince doesn’t know where your castle is.  You have to find him and give him the address.”  I rolled my eyes.  But I knew she was right.

So when date 29 cancelled on me, while I was tempted to find a friend, grab a quick drink, call it a “date” and spend the rest of my evening in my pjs, I knew that would be the worst thing I could do.  I’d be breaking a promise to myself, letting myself down and not putting myself in a position to meet my “prince”.  So when Ramiro e-mailed and offered to be substitute date 29, I said yes.  And, as always, I’m glad I did!

 

US Draught Masters Championship

 

Ramiro had placed us on the list for the US Draught Masters Championship at the National Building Museum.  I can’t believe that I’ve lived in the DC area for 28 years and have never attended an event at the National Building Museum!  It’s a beautiful building!  The competition was exciting and the Stella Artois more than delicious!  While we were having an extreme amount of fun, the atmosphere was not conducive to carrying on a conversation so we took off in search of a couch in a quieter part of the hall.      

It was then that Ramiro was able to open up to me regarding the trials and tribulations of being a male and dating in DC.  While I know that women are not the only ones out there “kissing frogs”, hearing Ramiro talk was like looking into a mirror.  I saw the same eagerness, the same excitement, the same hope but also the same frustration.  “Don’t you get tired?” I asked him.  Ramiro is constantly out and about in DC (and lives in Gaithersburg), is always mixing and mingling, meeting people, attending events.  It sounded exhausting!  And this is coming from the girl going on 35 dates in 35 consecutive days!  “Yes” he replied, honestly.  “But I want to find someone and I won’t meet her sitting at home.  It’s a numbers game.  You have to meet as many people as possible.”

In her book, “You Lost Him at Hello“, Jess McCann talks about the importance of prospecting.  “It’s the law of averages – a numbers game.  Every no will bring you closer to a yes.  And the more times you go out, the better your chances,” she explains.   She further explains that it will take time, and you won’t meet someone you like every time you go out.  But to meet him, you have to put yourself out there. 

Last night, at a Singles in the Suburbs event, I was speaking with a group of women and the conversation turned to dating and, specifically, comparing dating to a job search.  That is, we will spend hours looking for jobs online, sending out resumes, getting ready for an interview, selling ourselves during the interview, looking the part for the interview, carefully crafting any follow-ups post interview.  We will do all of this, and spend all of that time, without a second thought – for the “perfect” job.  Hell, sometimes, just for “a” job!  But, when it comes to finding our partner, the person we (hopefully) spend the rest of our life with – we expect it to just “happen when it happens.”  We think that if we have to put effort into making it happen, that it’s not meant to be.  That our love is supposed to just find us. 

Ramiro’s energy and committment to finding love is admirable.  And it made me look at myself and my interactions during the 35/35 project so far.  I’ve definitely met people.  I’ve definitely put myself out there.  But I’ve also let myself become a little frustrated by those dates that I wished had sparked, but fizzled.  By those times that it never sparked. And I found myself looking towards the end of the 35/35 and wondering if I should just take a break from it all when I’ve reached the end.

But after my night with Ramiro, I’m more energized than ever.  And I’m eager to put in the time and effort that it takes to find someone.  And I know that it will take time, and effort.  Both in meeting people, and in establishing relationships with those people.  It won’t always go smoothly.  It won’t happen over night.  Dating is like my own “US Draught Masters Competition”.  It takes time and effort to perfect the “perfect pour.”  I need to work on my technique.  I won’t always get it right.  I’ll be judged.  I’ll lose some rounds.  But, in the end, it will be worth the effort and, what a ride it will be in the meantime!

Winner of the 2011 US Draught Masters Championship

Dating should be a part of your life, not your life a part of dating. There is more to life than finding a date. But at the same time, dating is a part of your life, and if your “traffic patterns” don’t include new people, they are not serving that part of your life.

-Henry Cloud

Will You Go Out With Me? Check Yes or No. (Date 27 of 35)

“Psst, Rita!” my friend Karin said as she tugged on my sleeve.  I looked and saw that, in her hand, she held a folded up piece of paper.  I looked her in the eyes, scared to reach out and take it.  “Read it already Rita!!!” she urged, thrusting the paper into my hand.  Our sixth grade teacher, Mrs. Christian, looked up from her desk and I hid the note under my Trapper Keeper.  When she looked away, I quickly unfolded and unfolded and unfolded the little triangle note.  I scanned and saw an “X”…and my heart stopped.  It was next to “Yes!”  The question I had asked Danny was “Will you go to the movies with me on Saturday?” 

I don’t remember what movie we saw or what we talked about.  I do remember that I asked if he wanted to do it again, and he said “Nah, not really.”  I was crushed.   My mom picked me up and, on the way home, she told me that girls shouldn’t ask out boys.  That girls should wait for boys to ask them out.   That boys didn’t like girls who were so forward.  I assumed she was right since Danny declined a second date.  From then on, I always waited for a guy to ask me out.

Since starting this 35/35 Project, I’ve been presented with information from all types of sources!  Girls, guys, dating coaches, matchmakers, friends, family.  When I asked readers to submit questions for the Question/Answer Session with the Experts (answers to be posted soon – we received so many questions, the experts are still answering), one of the TOP questions submitted was “Is it okay for a girl to ask a guy out?“

So, I decided to ask you, my readers!  Here is what you said (click on VIEW RESULTS in the poll below):

 

The majority of you believe it should be “equal opportunity” when it comes to doing the asking out.  The new, confident, Rita happened to agree.  So, as many of you read, I decided to ask Jim out on a date.  And he said yes!  This past Wednesday night, I found myself at Kalypso’s Sports Tavern in Reston, dining under the stars with Jim, for date #27.  It was great conversation!  We talked about religion, our families, hobbies and passions.  The date seemed to go by entirely too quickly!  Except, was this a date?

The check came and he hesitated long enough that it was noticeable, so I offered to split it down the middle – which he accepted.  Completely fine.  (Other questions submitted were “who should pay for the first date” and “Rita, did you expect 35 people to pay your way?”  Both of which will be answered when the Q&A results are posted.)  Not offering to pay the tab, to me, wasn’t necessarily a sign that we weren’t on a “date”.  Then as we parted ways to walk to our car, he gave me a, very brief, hug and mentioned that he’d try to make it out to a Singles in the Suburbs event at some point.  I thought back to when we first met.  I flirted with him, obviously, and gave him my card so he could contact me.  He didn’t.  He left that day saying that “he’d try to make it to a Singles in the Suburbs event.”  Only, he didn’t do that either.   “You can’t get what you don’t ask for” was advice I had received numerous times when I questioned people about girls asking guys out.   So I did.  But I was actually surprised, based on his actions from when we met, that he said yes. 

But now, as I was driving home, I couldn’t help but shake the feeling that Jim may not have been looking at this as a date but perhaps just a friendly outing?  So I followed up with an email that said that I too had a great time and that I hoped to see him again.  To which he responded “I’ll try to make an event soon.”  But I’ve heard that from him before.  And I’m doubting now if he will.  Or if we’ll have a second date.  Or if this was even a date at all?

So I turned to the “he said” portion of my “panel of experts”, Dave Elliott.  As a male, I felt he would know best if guys like girls asking them out.  He whole heartedly believes that girls should not ask out men.  He explained that the masculine part of being a male, includes pursuing – and asking a woman out on dates is part of the pursuit.  Women should encourage men to ask them out but, by asking men out directly, they take away that pursuit.  And then, you’ll get 1 of 2 results.  The man will say no, because his masculinity is being challenged.  Or, you’ll end up getting a man who lacks confidence to ask a woman out on his own.  Which tends to be the opposite type of man women are looking for. 

Even Blues Dancing Leon,  in response to a question I asked him, said that it’s unattractive when women ask men out.  “We are men and we need to feel as if we worked for the date, and earned it” he said.  Another relationship/dating coach, Evan Katz, in his blog post titled “Should Women Ask Men Out?“, agreed and said that asking a man out makes a woman look aggressive, desperate and masculine which tends to be in direct opposition to what men are looking for from a woman in a relationship context. 

It seems that all of the experts, and many of the men I spoke with, agree.  Women should take action and have control – not by asking the man out but, rather, by getting the man to ask them out.  Putting themselves in a position to be seen (eye contact) and giving a guy the “green light.”

Jim and I had a GREAT time!  He is adorable, sweet and so interesting.  I would absolutely hang out with him again.  But still, I have to take note that it does not appear Jim viewed time with me as a “date.”  Either because he didn’t like that I did the asking, or because he is very shy and needs a more alpha woman to make the outing a “date.”  The scenario is irrelevant.  What matters it that, both results weren’t what I was hoping for.  I wanted a date and I wanted a date with a confident, assertive, male who would make it clear that it was a date and that he wanted to see me for a second date.

So, maybe my Mama was right (boy, she’ll love that).  Maybe guys don’t like girls who do the asking and girls should wait for the guys to ask them – whether it’s a first, second or fourteenth date?

What are your thoughts on this.  Especially in light of the upcoming Q&A post, I’d love to know what you think!

Tick Tock to the Universe’s Clock (Date 26 of 35)

“Rita, I just don’t see myself getting married, not any time soon,” Aiden said to me over drinks.  It was 3 years after our first breakup.  We had recently re-established communication and decided to give the friendship thing a go.  Which turned into multiple weekends spent in each other’s company.  Which turned into a not-so-friendly trip to Key West.  Which turned into relationship round #2.    “But I really like how things are between us now.  I’d like for us to continue seeing each other.”  Aiden and I had been here before but now the tables were turned.  This time, I wanted to get married.  I gave him a kiss on the cheek and said goodbye. 

Bucky pleaded with me to marry him.  I told him that it was bad timing – that I was too young and just starting my career.  I wasn’t ready for marriage.  I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Mr. Adventure.  He told me that it was bad timing – that he wanted to travel the world and wasn’t contemplating settling down right then.  Sociopath told me that our timing was bad – he was trying to figure out his life and, until he did, marriage wasn’t in play.  Aces told me that I was moving too fast towards marriage and he doesn’t believe he’s the marrying kind.   Bad timing.

It seemed like, no matter which relationship I was in – the timing just wasn’t right.  One person moving too fast or the other too slow.  One making their career a priority and the other the relationship.  After each relationship ended, when someone would ask me what had gone wrong, I’d dismiss the question by answering “the timing wasn’t right.” 

 

Bad Timing

 

David asked me to meet him at  Falls Church Bowl America for date #26.    My highest bowling score that I could remember?  76.   And that’s with me “granny bowling” it.  I’m a pro, at throwing gutter ball after gutter ball.  This time was no exception.  I’d throw the ball into the gutter.  I’d hit one pin and no others.  I’d hit all others but not the one.  No matter what I did, I couldn’t come close to a spare or a strike.  I shrugged my shoulders, looked at David and blamed it on my timing.  I just couldn’t get my “walk” right.  It was too fast or too slow.  I was dropping the ball too early or too late.  If I could just get my timing down – then my game would be going so much better!

Then David did something that no other date has yet done.  He called me out.  He said it wasn’t my timing that was throwing off my game, but my technique that was throwing off my timing.   Bowling is about the approach, the swing, balance, the target, execution, follow through and consistency.  I wasn’t focusing on any of those key elements and, until I did, my timing would always be off and I’d never bowl a good game.  That’s what I really like about David. He’s polite, but honest.  He says what he thinks.  And because he did, he got me thinking.

For game 2, I started to pay attention.  To the way I held my ball.  How I swung my arm.  My balance.  Focusing on the pins and the alignment with my swing.  I followed through with my arm and I kept my movements and speed consistent.  And while I’m not ready for the National Bowling Championship yet – I broke 100!

 

Broke 100!

 

On the way home, I thought about “timing”.  And how, up until that night, I’ve let it serve as the excuse for so many of my life circumstances (relationships, career, financial).  Now I believe that, for me, “timing” is simply an easy way out.  An excuse.  My relationships didn’t end because the timing wasn’t right.  They ended because they weren’t the right relationship.  The reason that they weren’t the right relationships is because I didn’t pay attention to key elements.  I didn’t ask the right questions at the outset.  I was too worried about the future and not paying attention to the present.  I underestimated my worth and importance in the relationship. I was too controlling and afraid to let things happen naturally.   It’s not bad timing causing my relationships to end.  It’s how I’m approaching, executing and following through on my relationships that are resulting in nothing but bad timing.  My experiences with this 35/35 project, in working with Jess McCann and Dave Elliott, in interacting with my readers, has taught me so much about how I want to approach my relationships and interactions going forward.  No longer do I want an “easy way out” of addressing areas of my life that are not going as I had hoped.  Rather, because of what I have learned, I do trust that, so long as I continue to focus on what is important, and continue to put in the effort and time to work on all of those “key elements”, the universe will provide the proper timing and things will work out when, and how, they are meant.

“You can’t connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever – because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow you heart even when it leads you off the well-worn path, and that will make all the difference.”

– Steve Jobs

Speed and a Pick Up! (Date 23 of 35)

“Would you like another,” the bartender asked, eyeing my empty glass.  I looked at my watch.  We were supposed to meet at 7pm.  It was now 7:30pm.  “Fill’er up”, I responded, extending my glass as he topped me off with more Pinot Noir.   When the bartender asked the same question at 8pm, I knew it was time to go.  “I’ll take the check” I said.  Instead of  returning with my tab, he returned with a glass of 1983 Chateau Ausone Bordeaux.  “I didn’t order that”, I protested.  “No, but he did”, he said, gesturing towards a gentleman sitting at the end of the bar.  Besides one other, we were the only ones at the bar.  He caught my eye and walked over.  “Thank you, but I can’t accept this.”  I said.  “Why not?” he asked.  “It’s better than that crap you were drinking and calling wine.”  I narrowed my eyes slightly and hesitated before saying, “I appreciate it”, but really, you don’t need to buy me a glass.”  “I didn’t”, he replied with a chuckle.  “I own the restaurant.”

 

An hour later, we had finished the bottle.  The conversation continued for an hour after that.  I glanced at my watch.  “Oh, it’s late, I have to go!”  He walked me outside and hailed a cab.  “Thank you, I enjoyed meeting you.”  I said.  He looked down and smiled, took my hand and kissed it and said “It was one of the best dates I’ve had in a long time, and I look forward to seeing you again.”  As the cab driver took me back to my flat in Chicago, I couldn’t help but think about what he had said.  A date?  But that wasn’t a date.  That was a just a…meeting?  My date had stood me up.  This guy…that wasn’t a date.  Was it?  

 

What's a date?

 

Recently, I asked for you, my loyal readers, to submit questions to be answered by all of the fabulous experts contributing their time to this blog.   (Jess McCann, Dave Elliott, Natalie Marie, Jeffrey Platts and many others).  One question was asked more times than any other.  “What constitutes a date?” 

I asked the members of Singles in the Suburbs what their definition of a “date” is and, while I received many responses, they all answered consistently.  According to those responses, here is the definition of a date from the SITS members:  “A pre-planned meeting, initiated by one, between two people who are interested in exploring romantic opportunities with the other, in which the person initiating pays the full cost of the outing.  The outing should involve dinner or drinks and should end with a kiss goodnight.”  That’s quite the definition!

Webster’s defines “date” a bit differently:  “An engagement to go out socially with another person”.  That sure does sound easier to find than the SITS definition, doesn’t it?  Personally, I’ve seen my definition of “date” change substantially over the course of this 35/35 Project.  Before Date 1, I completely believed that a date was a pre-planned activity between me and another male, for the purpose of exploring a romantic spark, initiated by the male.  Now I view a date, at least a first date, as nothing more than an “introduction”.  Simply meeting a person.  No “romantic potential” yet established,  necessarily.  The introduction initiated by either party.  The introduction happening in advance or on the fly.  Under my new definition of “date”, it is quite possible to have multiple dates in a day!  You sit at a table with someone at lunch and strike up a 20 minute conversation.  You just had a lunch date!  You are at a bar and turn to the person on your left and before you know it, an hour has passed with fabulous conversation and flirting.  You just had a date!  By taking away the pressure of making a date about uncovering romance, with rules and traditions of how it has to come about and how the evening has to go, you are able to just focus on the important part – meeting someone and having fun!  After that, the rest will just fall into place!  Without that, there will be nothing for you to sort into any place at all!

 

Date 23; Pick Up a Stand Up

 

It’s with that definition of “date” that I found myself on Date 23 – with approximately 25 different guys!  The Soundry and Singles in the Suburbs sponsored/hosted “Pick Up a Stand Up”.  25 comics performing their stand up routines followed by two rounds of speed dating.  I normally associate “speed dating” with pressure.  But not under the new definition of “date” and not in a room full of comics! 

My friend, known on this blog as “Pukes Rainbows”, came along for the crazy night – and walked away having had 25 dates herself!  Date 23 was about showing that a “date” can be whatever you make it!  You control your dating life!  Make it what you want it to be!  Get out and have fun!  See what results! 

I’d love to know what your definition of a date is and how it has, or hasn’t, changed over time.  Leave a comment and let the discussion begin!

“I don’t know the first real thing about the dating game. I don’t know how to talk to a specific person and connect. I just think you have to go to person by person and do the best you can with people in general.”

– Jason Schwartzman

Got Questions?

Hey everyone!

So, I’m half way through the 35/35 Project!  When I started this, I never thought it would all fall into place.  35 dates in 35 consecutive days – no way!  But it did!  And what an experience it has been!  And, I have no doubt, will be for the next 17 dates!

I’ve been fortunate to have the support of thousands of readers.  That is so amazing!  I have people who post great comments on each post and also people who take time to e-mail me about their own experiences and take aways from this blog! 

I’ve been working with some GREAT coaches (Jess McCann and Dave Elliott) and, in addition, have been lucky to get the advice and support of other coaches and matchmakers as well (Jeffrey Platts, Michelle Jacoby, Catherine Hedden and many many more).  I’ve also gotten advice from personal trainers, hair and make up consultants and wardrobe consultants!  What started as an idea to have fun and expand my social circle has turned into an amazing journey of self discovery.  It’s been eye-opening, humbling and quite the wild ride!

But, why should I be the only one to get to have such an interactive experience?!  Now it’s your turn!

Got Questions?  E-mail them to me at rita@singlesinthesuburbs.com or post them as a comment below!

YOUR QUESTIONS CAN BE ANONYMOUS – NO WORRIES!

You can ask anything!  

• Have more questions about the blog? 
• About the dates? 
• About dating in general? 
• About authentic game night? 
• About me?
• About being coached? 
• Dating tips and advice?
• Matchmaking?
• Personal Training/Fitness?
• Style?
• Any and everything that may be on your mind?

The questions will be compiled and distributed to the individuals best suited to answer and the answers will be posted here next Tuesday, October 4th!

So ask away!  Everyone is really excited to answer and I know that I won’t be the only one learning from the exchanges!

Talk to you soon!

Love,

Rita