Is Dating Dead?

Is dating dead?  Are women relaxing their standards for fear of scaring off a “potential partner?”  Has the fear of competition and the fear of being alone driven us to overlook things that are important in our search for a significant other?

 

This week’s post, “Is Dating Dead” can be found on DC Ladies at the following link:  http://thedcladies.com/2012/lifestyle/is-dating-dead/

 

I’d love to hear your comments!!!  Especially from the men!

 

The Kiss I Missed

I am excited to announce that, as of today, my blog will be updated daily!  Each day of the week will you bring you something new and interesting – so be sure to check in over the next few days to discover what will be headed your way!  Exciting things are in the works and I want you all along for the ride (and maybe even to drive)!

When you check this blog on Monday’s you will always find a post geared towards relationship and dating advice. 

 

Today’s blog post is about living for the moment before the moment – and how such a mindset can cause you to miss actual moments in your life, including your first kiss!  You can find today’s post at “The DC Ladies” site by clicking on this link:

 

http://thedcladies.com/2012/lifestyle/the-kiss-i-missed/

 

While many posts will be originated from my personal experiences, I’d love to have your contributions in the form of questions that you’d like answered, dating and/or relationship problems you encounter and/or stories you’d like to share!

 

Please, e-mail me at Rita@singlesinthesuburbs.com if you have anything that you’d like to see take the form of a blog on Mondays!

Shirts Off – It’s Time to Win a Prize!

“I’d love to meet you and get to know you better,”  Fireman said to me during our first phone call.  He said it again on our second call.  Then again on our third.  I didn’t answer the fourth time he called.  Fireman had contacted me almost immediately after I uploaded my new profile to Match.com.  I don’t normally engage in multiple, back and forth, telephone calls when meeting someone through an online dating site.  E-mails and phone calls prior to meeting someone tend to do one thing – build expectations.  You can’t be disappointed if you don’t have expectations.  So I make it a habit to schedule the “introductory coffee date” as soon as possible.  Fireman had become an exception to my rule.  After all, he is a fireman.  With an ever-changing, highly unusual, schedule.  Besides, he “threatened” to be in uniform for our first date.  I was going to see that threat through to completion!

 

Obligatory Hot Fireman Shirts Off Photo

 

So I let it slide when he didn’t set a firm date for us to get together after our first call.  On our second, he set a date and time but, on our third, he cancelled and said “but I really can’t wait to meet you and get to know all about you.”  So I asked flat-out, “When would you like to reschedule?”  There were some mumbles and something about shifts at the station but no plans were made.  So when the fourth call came, I didn’t answer.  If he had genuinely wanted to meet me he would have made firm plans.  Had he genuinely wanted to get to know all about me, he would have asked me questions during our calls instead of talking about him.  What he wanted, I didn’t know.  And I didn’t care.  He wasn’t genuine and that is a red flag I don’t ignore.

 

 

I’ve realized that, over the past four months, you have gotten to know a lot about me but I know hardly anything about you.  I know the links you click on to find this blog.  I know the search terms you use that find my blog (“How to Break a Stripper’s Heart” seems to be one of the most frequently used search terms leading you here.  Seriously?!)  But, unlike Fireman, I’m genuine when I say that I would like to get to know more about you.

I can’t make a full announcement just yet – but will hint at the fact that there are some new, very exciting, adventures related to this website that are coming – soon! For these endeavors to be truly beneficial to everyone, I need to know my readers.  I’m looking for 5-10 people to interview to get to know, married/single/somewhere in-between, about their personal journey with dating and relationships.  The interview is 100% confidential and won’t be lengthy, or formal, and can occur via telephone or in person (whatever makes you feel the most comfortable.)   It’s truly just an informal chat so that I can  determine how this blog can best serve you, its readers!

 

 

 

Anyone contacting me (via the comment section to this post, or directly at Rita@singlesinthesuburbs.com) volunteering to be interviewed will be entered to win a prize, from a group of options that I will send prior to the drawing!  You need to submit your name no later than January 18th at 5pm Eastern.

 

 

I am SO excited about all that is set to happen in 2012 and think you will enjoy it all even more than me!  I really can’t wait to meet you and get to know all about you!

Hear from you soon!

-Rita

To Find Love Sometimes All You Need is A Little Nudge

Happy New Year!  The holidays were fabulous but I am VERY excited to be back to work, writing daily posts and sharing information to help you become more present in your relationships, more inspired and, ultimately, empowered!  The most important things I want you to see this year are 1) Dating is fun; 2) Being single is worth celebrating; and 3) Ideas 1 and 2 are not mutually exclusive!

I have so many exciting updates to share with you but, today, I’ll start with only one. 

I am now officially a DC Lady! 

Don’t worry, I haven’t moved out of the ‘burbs (yet) and Singles in the Suburbs, LLC is as strong as ever!  I am excited to announce that I am the author for The DC Ladies’ new dating, relationship & advice column, “Dating in the City!”  The DC Ladies is a website that brings together mix of what is fun, fashionable, family related and just plain fabulous in our Capital Area for women – and I am very excited to be a new contributor!

 

 

 

You can click on this link to be taken to today’s post, “To Find Love Sometimes All You Need is a Little Nudge!”

Since this post went live, many people have e-mailed asking if they can see my “before” and “after” profiles for comparison.  I am more than happy to share these with you! 

I have MANY more announcements to make and am very excited for all that 2012 will bring!  I’m glad that you are along for the ride! 

 

“BEFORE” PROFILE:

RitaKay876

Old Profile Picture

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am a friendly, approachable and generous person.  Naturally gregarious and talkative, I find it easy to meet and make friends with many people.  I’m good-natured although, at times, I can be blunt and sarcastic.  I will call you out without hesitation when I think you are wrong and would expect for you to do the same.  I love to cook and will make you a fabulous gourmet meal but will burn your popcorn in a flash!  I’m competitive but definitely know how to keep it to a friendly level of competition. I can’t go a day without tripping over my own feet or spilling something on my shirt.  I love simply “living” life and I really love people whose eyes light up when they are discussing something for which they are passionate!

As for you, you are comfortable in a t-shirt, jeans and flip-flops.  You like to entertain but, really, only for small groups of friends for a low-key evening.  You like to cook but love to grill.  Your favorite meal is a good steak with a cold beer. You “fix” things and will not hesitate to lecture me on the importance of proper tire pressure and frequent oil changes. You have a creative outlet, such as writing or music.  You won’t mind when I have a night out with the girls but, rather, will relish the time alone.  You smell like soap.

 

“AFTER” PROFILE:

SocialButterflyVA

New Profile Picture

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Self-Summary

Who am I?  A social butterfly who tends to smile pretty much every waking hour.  (I wonder if I smile in my sleep, too.)  Always on the go, I’m either planning a social event, trying a new restaurant, meeting new people wherever I go, or taking some sort of class to learn a different skill.  My latest endeavor?  Cooking classes!  (My specialty was burnt popcorn, so I figured I should do something about that.)  Next up will be salsa lessons.

Often being the planner for work, it’s nice to just be spontaneous when it comes to plans with friends.  I think my best quality is being open and accepting of anyone.  Everyone has something to offer, but you have to get to know them first to find out what it is.

What I’m doing with my life

When I realized that my career as a Solid Gold dancer wasn’t going to pan out, I decided to go to law school.  While I do enjoy the law, you’ll have to ask me what my real passion is…

I’m really good at…

Meeting new people.  I guess I didn’t listen when my parents told me not to talk to strangers because I’ll talk to pretty much anyone anywhere. 

Favorite books, music, movies, shows, and food

Books: I like reading about Tudor history.  With such a real-life drama, who needs fiction?

TV: Arrested Development (needed a fourth season), Modern Family, Lost, and I’m an HBO show geek – The Wire, True Blood, Boardwalk Empire

Movies: I like the offbeat humor of Best in Show, Waiting for Guffman, and Mighty Wind.  Occasionally, I might be found watching Harry Potter.

The six things I could never do without

1. Social interaction (That’s the definition of an extrovert, right?)
2. Good food and wine (I’m a steak girl.)
3. Having something that drives me (and I’m not talking my car)
4. My dog, Martini
5. Local travel to unknown restaurants and attractions
6. A good pair of comfy jeans

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

I’m a closet Lady Gaga fan.  (I guess I’ve been outed.)  And I try to stay up on pop culture, but I’m usually that girl who says, “You know that movie about that guy who did that thing?”  I know music and movies, just not the names.

You should message me if

You’re at home in social settings (since I always seem to be in them), you love dogs, and you’re not afraid of planes, trains, or boats since I love to travel.  And you brush and floss… you’d be surprised. 😉

I would love to hear any comments that you have on differences you notice, your own profiles, your thoughts about hiring someone to write a profile or online dating in general!

I Didn’t Need a Man; I Needed a Woman!

I sat across from her, looking into her beautiful brown eyes.  Everything about her was perfect.  Suddenly, something inside of me just “clicked.”  As I listened to her talk about my potential and her faith in me – I knew that I had to have her.   “I’ve been going at this all wrong,” I exclaimed.  “I don’t need a man.  What I need is a woman!”  She nodded in agreement.  “Sure, Chris knows all of the right things to do and say, but he doesn’t get me the way that you seem to,” I said.  “I totally get you and, Rita, with me – you’ll get everything you want and more!”  I was hooked.  That night, I broke things off with Chris.  Hiring Natalie as my personal trainer was one of the best decisions I have ever made!

 

I had to have her!

 

Two months later, and it’s not all sunshine and roses.  Tonight, Natalie laid across from me as I held a side plank for longer than I care to remember.  She just smiled as she casually threatened my life were I to drop the position.  I’m pretty sure that had I had a fork on me, I would have poked her beautiful brown eyes with it!    After our workout, she sat me down for a chat.  After all, today ended the 10th day of Project GetFit – and we have 25 more to go.  “I want you to be completely successful with your total transformation,” she said as she grabbed a pad of paper and pen.  “You’ve got all of the right tools and mentality, you just need some rules to help you achieve success,” she explained as she pushed the paper and pen into my hands.  “Write!” she demanded.

 

Natalie's Rules

 

Ten minutes later I had a list of 5 rules to follow to ensure success with my fitness plan.  I looked from the rules to Natalie.  “What?” she asked.  “You need to follow these rules!!!” I said.  For two months, Natalie has been an avid reader of this blog.  She followed the 35 dates, read the advice of the dating coaches and continues to eagerly anticipate my updates.  During our workouts, I’ve been privy to an inside peek at her life as well.  Specifically, her dating life.  “I don’t know how these rules apply to dating,” she said with a shrug.  I looked at her for a solid minute.  “You really don’t see how these rules apply to dating?!” I laughed.  “Let me show you…”

 

Define Your Goals and Set Reasonable Objectives

FITNESS:  I want to lose 70 pounds.  That is my goal.  If I were to focus on the overall goal number, I would become easily frustrated.  It would feel far away, almost unobtainable.  Rather, it’s important for me to set short-term objectives to help reach my goal.  Perhaps a 10% weight loss.  Maybe conquering a yoga pose.  Maybe simply going to the gym 4 days every week.  The point is to focus on the short-term objectives so that I can reward myself for my milestones which will motivate me to continue towards the finish line.

DATING:  The same holds true for dating.  You day-dream about your future partner.  Maybe you even dream about getting married.  Having kids.  But you are at a loss as to how to make that happen.  Maybe you feel so far away from achieving that dream that you’ve written it off.  You need to set personal dating goals!  And you need to write them down.  Goals give us direction.  Goals help us turn our dreams into reality.  Maybe it’s simply perfecting the art of approaching a stranger.  Maybe it’s going out on 2 dates a week.  Maybe it’s simply getting out of your house 2 times a month. The goals should be specific, obtainable and reasonably calculated to help you reach your longer-term goal.  So you can reward yourself for your milestones and continue towards your finish line!

 

Be Consistent

FITNESS:  The only way I’ll achieve my short-term objectives, or my long-term fitness goal, is by being consistent.  To ensure consistency, it’s important that I choose the right days/nights/times to work out, so that I have a regular schedule.  Even simpler than that, I need to set aside X hours a week for working out.  And the hours need to be reasonable and sufficient to help me reach my goal.  And I need to stick with it.  If I work out 3 days in one week and then don’t work out again for 2 weeks, when I do work out again, I’ll be sore.  My body will hurt.  I’ll be frustrated because it will feel as if I’m starting out from square one.  And I’m more likely to quit.  And I’ll put that much more distance between myself and my goal.

DATING:  Dating is no different.  You need to be consistent.  Maybe your goal is to meet a partner who values you.  If so, be consistent with demanding respect.  Don’t let someone call you sometimes, then disappear, to only resurface with a random series of text messages before disappearing again.  Establish your own rules, regarding the type of treatment you want from someone you are dating, at the beginning.  Before ever going on a date.  And then enforce them.  Consistently.  Likewise, if you want to meet someone you need to be consistent about getting out of your house and going places where you will meet and interact with other people.  Schedule these nights.  Make them routine.  Stick with them.  If you date one night and then take off 3 weeks only to get back out there again, you’ll feel frustrated because, each time, it will feel as if you are starting from square one.  And you are more likely to quit.  And you’ll put that much more distance between you and your goal.

 

Employ the Power of Positivity

FITNESS:  If I say or think that I can’t do it – reach my goal weight, perform a certain exercise, complete a certain number of reps – I won’t.  If I don’t pre-plan for setbacks, plateaus, off-weeks, I will be disappointed each time these events happen which will add to my frustration and negative outlook, keeping me from powering through to achieve my goals!  By keeping a positive outlook, I stay motivated!  Maybe I don’t lose weight one week, but I did complete a new exercise or run an extra mile.  I need to focus on what I DID do, not what I didn’t do!  I need to look at each workout, even the bad ones on the off days, for the lesson that it provided me – as every event provides a lesson.

DATING:  If you go into dating dreading it, you won’t be successful.  If you think that there just isn’t anyone out there for you, or that you’ll never meet them – you won’t.  If, prior to each date, you are anticipating the worst – that’s exactly what you’ll get.  Putting out negative energy only attracts negative energy.  You won’t even realize it but, a negative mindset will close yourself off to others.  You’ll be limiting the type of interaction you have, and the connection you establish with someone, because of your pre-formed negative thinking.  Transform your mind into one full of positivity.  Look at dates simply as an introduction to a new person!  And always be  looking for something that you can learn from that person.  Even on a horrible date, you are learning what you don’t want.  And that brings you closer to what you do want!  Stood up?  Think of it as a gift (because you will not be wasting any of your time getting to know a person with such low value of you)!   Anytime you feel a negative thought creeping into your mind, flip it into a positive one and you’ll find that you are refreshed and excited to get out there and meet someone!

 

Be Tough

FITNESS:  It’s been 10 days since Natalie and I started Project GetFit.  And it hasn’t been easy.  In fact, it down right hurts.  My body is in pain as I write this.  But it’s easier than it was on day 1.  And day 20 will be easier than today.  Feeling pain is a sign that I’m pushing myself.  Pushing myself is a requirement to getting stronger.  Being stronger is necessary to achieve my goal.  If I quit at the first sign of pain, if I put down the weights right as they start to feel heavy, I can’t progress.  No progression means not getting any closer to the finish line.  And it’s not physical toughness (although that is a result).  It’s mental toughness.  It’s programming your mind to overpower your body.  To suck it up and do what it takes, even on the bad days.  If you don’t power yourself through the tough times to bring you closer to your goal, who will?

DATING:  You’ll have bad dates.  It’s inevitable.  There will be dull dinners, exhausting conversation.  You might be stood up.  You might have to fight off unwanted advances.  Inappropriate comments.  But you have to push through these times.  You’ll feel pain at times.  You’ll down right hurt.  But that is a sign that you are pushing yourself.  You are growing.  Every bad date teaches you about what you don’t want.  Which leads you closer to what you do want.  You need to change your mental state to overpower the negative thoughts.  Look at every person you meet as contributing a lesson of value.  You might feel as if you don’t want to go out one night.  You might feel like there is no point in attempting to meet someone.  If you quit – you are assured to not meet someone.  If you don’t power yourself through those down times, force yourself to get off your couch, force yourself to approach people, to go on one more date….who will?

 

Change Your Perspective

FITNESS:  I was looking at my workouts as “chores.”  Tasks that needed to be completed.  Who likes chores?  Who likes tasks?  Then Natalie said something that changed my entire outlook.  “Rita, exercising and taking care of your body is not a task, it’s a gift.  It’s a privilege that you have.  Being fit, being healthy, it isn’t a chore – it’s a choice.”  My outlook immediately changed.  When I don’t feel like working out, I now tell myself that I take steps to become healthier, or I can choose the status quo.  If I choose the latter, I have no one to blame for my situation but me.  Because it’s a choice.  My choice.  When you’ve set a goal, why would you want to actively choose to sabotage your progress?  By thinking of it as a choice, instead of a chore, it’s easier to find the motivation to choose the right steps and actions to reach my goal.

DATING:  Flip the script on dating as well.  It isn’t a task.  Meeting someone new is a gift.  It’s a privilege you have.  Dating isn’t a chore, it’s a choice.  Your choice.  You can choose to “get up, get out and do something” placing yourself in situations where you have the potential of meeting someone, you can say yes to someone’s date invitation, or you can sit at home.  If you choose the latter, you have no one to blame for your situation but yourself.  You’ve set a goal to find someone.  Why would you actively choose to sabotage your efforts to reach that goal?  By thinking of it as a choice, instead of a chore, it’s easier to find the motivation to choose the right steps and actions to bring you closer to finding love.

 

Natalie just looked at me.  “Exercise gives something back to you each time you do it!  Dating doesn’t.”  I told her that I disagree.  Exercise may give you results that you can see with your eyes, but the process of dating brings about a level of personal growth that you can feel internally.   She bit her lip and reluctantly agreed that I was right.  Looks like “Natalie’s Rules” will bring success for both of us – in multiple areas of our lives.  I told you, she’s one hell of a trainer.

Fetish Dating

I wanted to cry but I was too tired.  I rubbed my eyes and looked at my sister sleeping in her car seat.  I could see the back of my grandfather’s head and my mother sitting next to him in the passenger seat.  We pulled out of the parking lot and I watched our house disappear into the darkness.  I wouldn’t see my father again until I was 18. 

 

Vacation in Northern Florida

 

For the next 12 years, my mother raised my sister and me with zero support from my father.  She worked multiple jobs to make ends meet.  She served as our mother, father, tutor, career counselor.  She missed out on dates, buying herself clothes, getting her hair cut, her nails done, taking vacations – not only to pay the bills but to ensure that my sister and I wouldn’t miss out on those little “luxuries” like ballet class or field trips.  She did everything for us, while still managing to run the rest of her world and be everything to everyone else in her life (daughter, employee, sister).  Growing up, I emulated this example.  I wasn’t just someone’s “girlfriend” or “friend” but I was also their career counselor/fitness trainer/therapist/financial advisor.  Wherever someone sought support, I endeavored to provide it.  Unfortunately, I also grew up feeling that people should do the same for me.  

 

My Mama

 

We want it all.  In her book, “A Little Bit Married,” author Hannah Seligson says “We are looking for someone to be our gym buddy, career counselor, best friend, lover, creative inspiration, and therapist. In short, the intimacy expectations of young people today are off the charts.”  It’s what she calls “the soul mate fetish.”  And she believes that this fetish is effectively ruining our relationships.  As a former fetishist myself, I don’t disagree.  My “soul mate fetish” has effectively ended one too many of my relationships and friendships. 

Throughout my life, at any point in time when I was unable to meet a need of a partner, or friend, I felt disappointed.  I had let them down.  I wasn’t “good enough” because I wasn’t able to give them the advice, support or motivation that they sought.  I had failed in my “duties.” 

It wasn’t until my break-up with Aces that I realized how I have so heavily placed this expectation on others.  I wanted Aces to be my “everything.”  My boyfriend, my best friend, my personal trainer, my career counselor, my motivational speaker, my financial advisor, my life coach.  If he wasn’t able to provide support in any of those areas, or if he suggested that I look to someone else for it, I felt let down.  Disappointed.  That he must not care.  That he must not truly “love” me.  That he must not truly be “the one.”  Because surely “that perfect person” for me would be able to provide for all of the needs that I have.  I didn’t only place this burden on Aces, but on other friends and family as well.

My 35 Dates in 35 Days project led to more reflection than I had ever anticipated.  I see now, that no one person needs to be “my everything.”  No one person should be my everything.  In fact, even if someone truly wanted to be my everything, chances are, that would not be the best situation for either of us.  It is doubtful that they have the necessary skills to truly serve every area in which I seek support and, most likely, they would feel internally frustrated at their inability to do provide something that they wish to give.  And just because they can’t provide a certain level or area of support or guidance, doesn’t mean that they are failing.  Or that they don’t love me.  Or that they don’t care.  Or that they aren’t mean to be my “soul mate” or my friend.

Rather, by someone telling me to seek out a career counselor, a life coach, a therapist, a personal trainer – they are telling me quite the opposite.  They are telling me that they care about me and love me enough to want me to get the best support system in place that I can have.  By not seeking to be “my everything,” they are loving me fully.  And by me not placing that expectation on them, I am doing the same. 

Not only will I continue to not place unrealistic expectations on others and, instead, seek out the proper individuals to provide the support system that I need (like those on Team RITA), but I will no longer place unrealistic expectations on myself and will endeavor to help those I know, and those I will meet, create the best support system they can have.  I will love everyone I meet for their strengths and appreciate what they give me.  I will not focus on what they cannot, because that is not a failing.  I do this, because I want to experience a complete love.  I want to love fully and, by doing so, I hope to be loved fully in return.   Soul mate fetish free.

Either I Have Two Heads, or I’m a Loser. Either Way, I got Social on the Northside!

“Plllleassse come out with me!”  Emily begged.  I shot her a look of death.  I was sitting in my dorm room, in my pjs, with crumpled-up tissues surrounding me.  A cup of Thera-flu glued to my hand.  “You cannot be serious?” I asked.  “But I want to go to the Cellar!” she whined.  I locked eyes with her and proceeded to sneeze four times in a row.  She looked at me and scowled.  “Go by yourself, Emily.  That place will be crawling with people.  You’ll have a great time.”  She looked at me as if I had two heads.  “Go ALONE?!” she shrieked.  “Only losers go anywhere alone!”

This past Sunday, I saw a flyer for a blind wine tasting that was taking place later that evening at one of my favorite spots in Arlington, Northside Social.  Northside Social is this laid back coffee & wine bar that also serves as an art gallery for local artists.  Its’ wines are fabulous and its’ coffee even more so!  I was telling my Mama about it and she interrupted me, asking which date I was taking with me.  “No date,” I said.  “Well, which friend is going?”  “No friend,” I replied.  “Who is going with you, Rita?”  “No one!”  I looked at her.  She was looking at me like I had two heads.

Northside Social; Arlington

While I was looking forward to it, I now had a different reason behind my visit to Northside Social that evening.  I was on a mission to prove that it is entirely possible to go somewhere, completely alone, and have just as a great of a time – if not more so – as if you went with friends.  I wrote about this back in April but, I’ll be completely honest, after a few months surrounded by my friends, members of Singles in the Suburbs and, of course, 35 dates, I had lost sight of how great “going it alone” can be at times.

Blind Tasting; Part 1

I walked upstairs to the wine bar and realized that I was the first one there.  A few people trickled in behind me and I smiled, but they just sat down and started talking to those in their “group” or texting on their phones.  I had a bad feeling that this wasn’t going to pan out the way I wanted.   But at least I was going to learn how to identify wines by taste and smell alone.   So, in my book, I was a winner.

My winner; Part 1

As we sat there, waiting for the Sommelier, Alison Christ, to start explaining the fundamentals of wine, a woman, two people to my right, started talking about a wine course she was taking.  The woman next to her engaged in that conversation and I found myself eavesdropping.  I looked around.  The attendees were all engaged in conversations.  I could either sit there, silently and alone, or cause interaction to happen.  So I turned to my right and chimed into the conversation.

Blind Tasting; Part 2

Shortly thereafter, the class began.  By Round 2 of the blind tasting, I had discovered that, among other things, the woman two people down, Bonnie, is a photographer for GregsListDC (a site dedicated to highlighting DC’s social scene).  The woman next to her, Jenny, is a food blogger for her own successful site, “Eat with Pleasure.”  We are all single.  Between writing, photography, our love of DC events and our experiences in the DC dating scene, it was hard for us to stay focused on the tasting!

Winner, Part 2

By the end of the evening, not only had we learned how to identify the varietal, country and age of a wine based on sight, nose and palate, but we had instantaneous dinner partners for a post-tasting dinner in the coffee bar downstairs.  We exchanged information and even made a “date” to go see a documentary in a few weeks at E Street Cinema.

The next day, I thought back on the evening and how, had I been there with friends, or a date, the evening wouldn’t have been the same.  Sure, I would have engaged in pleasantries with the girls next to me but, let’s be honest, we tend to default to the people with whom we attend an activity.  The level of conversation wouldn’t have been the same.  Chances are we wouldn’t have eaten dinner together.  Or made plans to see a documentary.  I would have missed out on making two new friends.

I realize that attending events on your own, and approaching people, isn’t the easiest thing to do.  My friend Keely says I have an unfair advantage due to my years of running Singles in the Suburbs.  And I don’t dispute that.  But it still isn’t easy for me and, over the years, I’ve learned a few tips that make it easier.

1.  Go to a place or event that you WANT to see/experience.  If all else “fails” you’ve done something you want to do!

2.  Let the staff know you are “solo.”  Often times, they’ll make extra efforts to introduce you to other staff or patrons.

3.  Make eye contact and smile!

4.  Be approachable.  Put away your phones!!  Put down your book or newspaper!  Pay attention to what’s going on around you!

5.  Do not be afraid to initiate conversation.  People won’t necessarily seek you out.  YOU need to make an effort!

6.  Always assume you are the least intelligent person in the room.*

*In his post, “How to be the Smartest Person on the Planet,” James Altucher explains that, by assuming you are the dumbest in the room, you’ll pay attention to all that is being said.  And you’ll learn at least one thing from each encounter.  And by learning, you become the smartest person in the room. 

By employing these tactics on a solo outing, you open yourself up to encounters that you wouldn’t otherwise experience!

New Friends

You Need A Rita!

This outing has inspired me to have my own “solo” outing at least once a week.  And report it back to all of you.  I’ll be rating where I go, based on factors that contribute to its’ “single-ability.”  That is, by the end of my outing, did I feel welcome, have fun, learn something new, make new friends?  Or, was I uncomfortable, the staff ignored me, other patrons/attendees were rude/unapproachable, (understanding that I need to, at all times, employ the 6 techniques I list above).

I’ll rate each venue/event on a scale of 1-5 “Ritas” (with 5 Ritas being a fantastic “solo social scene!”   Look for these under the category “You Can Go Solo!”  Let’s find the most “single friendly” places and share them – so that we can all “Get Up, Get Out and Do Something!“

“SINGLE-ABILITY” of NorthSide Social:  4 RITAS!

You Can Go Solo!

Staff – Welcoming

Patrons –  Highly approachable

Activities – Plentiful

Atmosphere – Able to linger for hours

Single-ability rated on a scale of 1-5, with 1 Rita being the least “solo friendly social scene”

Making Love to the Camera (Date 34 of 35)

My mother must have been having an affair with the entire staff of Olan Mills Portrait Studio in Pensacola.  Because we went there every week.  At least, it seems like we went there every week.  Well, we have enough photos that, realistically, we could have been there every week. 

 

           

 

When I was a kid, there was nothing, nothing, that I loved more than posing for the camera!   I would strike a pose.  I’d artfully display my profile.  I’d perform for the camera.  And I was an expert at making pouty, surprised faces.  The minute someone whipped out a camera, the surrounding environment became my playground!  In front of a camera, I felt alive!

 

Surprised, pouty face!

 

I can’t pinpoint the exact moment in my life when that stopped.  I think it was about the time that my photos started looking like this:

 

  

 

 

 

I was an “early bloomer.”  I had my first real bra before my friends even knew what a training bra was.  And that opened me up to tons of ridicule.  I remember going to my locker in middle school and, daily, hearing certain boys call me “big tits” and many other names that I won’t list here.  I became self-conscious.  I’d take certain routes to class to avoid my locker.  I started focusing on my looks in their entirety.  And I never liked what I saw.  My teeth weren’t straight.  My thighs were too big.  My breasts were too large.  I know now that the teasing was because I was different.  And being different doesn’t mean being ugly.  I’ve grown to really love my body ( still, certain features more than others).  And I won’t lie, while I don’t feel the level of self consciousness that I did then, I  won’t stop at a mirror or look at my own photographs.  It’s a lock that if you tag me in a Facebook photo that tag will disappear in less than one minute.

 

I met date 34, Chris, during the taping of The JellyVision Show for date 14.  One of the hosts, Jennifer, jokingly mentioned to Chris that he should be one of my dates.  At the end of the show, we were talking and both decided “why not?”  I had a date spot open.  He could carry on a conversation.  I happily locked it down.

Chris is an artist.  A photographer, among many other talents.  So when he mentioned that a studio was going to be involved in our date, I was excited!  I’ve always dabbled in photography and am eager to take my skill level up a notch to become less of an “amateur.”  But as our conversations progressed, it was clear that a photography lesson wasn’t what Chris had in mind.  Rather, I was going to be the subject of the session.  (*Insert images of “casting couch” sessions spinning through my mind, with the theme song to “Fame” playing in the background*)

 

 

Union 206 Studio

 

I arrived at Union 206 Studio in Old Town Alexandria before Chris.  That gave me time to primp.  And primp.  And primp some more.  I thought that nothing could be more terrifying than trapeze school.  I was wrong.  Chris arrived and we hugged hello and I almost tripped over my feet!  I was a nervous wreck!  Luckily, a photographer and employee of the studio, Lori, was around and we chatted and calmed my nerves down while Chris prepared the lighting.  Entirely too soon, it was time for the session to begin.  I was frozen.  A disaster in front of the lens.  Chris was patient and kind and professional.  He possesses a certain quality that makes you feel at ease.  (Although, as he was my date, I don’t think I got as relaxed as I could have had he been a random party taking my photograph.)   Before I knew it, the session was over.  I didn’t look at any of the photographs. 

Chris had prepared a picnic dinner that we enjoyed in the studio.  We discussed my fear of being photographed.  Photography in general.  The time flew.  Our studio time was up.  We weren’t ready for the night to end, so we walked around the harbor of Old Town Alexandria for a while and wandered into Virtue Feed and Grain where we were the only two in the bar.  We sat until closing, talking about our philosophies on art, dating, and life.  Maybe it’s due to the skills that he’s acquired as a photographer.  Or due to the amazing ability he has to read someone.  But I felt very comfortable with Chris.  Not once was I focused on what I was saying, how I was saying it, how I looked or how I sounded.  Rather, I was just able to be.  To be completely present.  100% comfortable with who I was, right at that moment.

He since e-mailed me, sending me one of the photos for the blog.  I’ll be honest, I’m nervous to post the photo!  But here it goes:

 

Test Photo 1

 

The minute I opened the photo file, my mind started racing, focusing on everything that I did not like about my appearance.  But I stopped myself cold.  In working with dating coaches Jess McCann and Dave Elliott, I’ve grown to recognize when I start down the path of “negative thinking.”  And I stop myself and make a sharp right turn towards positive thoughts.  The article, “Why is Self-Esteem Important for Dating,” lists ten, solid, tips for building one’s self-esteem.  I cleared my head, looked at the photo and stopped comparing myself to my friends, models and other girls I know.  I focused on the attributes in the photo that I love.  I vocalized the strengths of the photo aloud.  Within minutes, my opinion of the photo – and of me – had changed.  I found that I felt similar to the way I did by the end of my night with Chris.  Flawed and beautiful all at the same time.

 

I wrote Chris back, thanking him for the photo.  In fact, he may do another photo shoot of me and, this time, I’ll be more like the girl that used to go to Olan Mills – relaxed, using the studio as my playground and having fun!  I’d rather take a moment of embarrassment that results in beauty and pleasure, than a moment of pleasure that results in a life time of embarrassment! 

 

 

“Your value is the product of your thoughts.  Do not  miscalculate your self-worth by multiplying your insecurities.”  ~Dodinsky

 

“Most things in life are moments of pleasure and a lifetime of embarrassment;
photography is a moment of embarrassment and a lifetime of pleasure.”  ~Tony Benn

You Had Questions – We’ve Got Answers!

A few weeks ago, I invited you, my readers, to submit your questions regarding almost any and every topic to be answered by our experts!   We received MANY questions and, I’m happy to say, I have the answers you were seeking! 

Before we get to the answers, let me introduce you to the experts who tackled your questions!

Dave Elliott

 

 

Dave Elliott

Relationship Coach

www.legendaryloveforlife.com

 

Find out more about Dave by clicking on Team RITA!

 

 

 

 

 

Jess McCann

 

 

Jess McCann

Dating and Relationship Coach

www.jessmccann.com

 

Find out more about Jess by clicking on Team RITA!

 

 

 

 

Jeffrey Platts

 

 

Jeffrey Platts

Dating/Relating Coach

www.jeffreyplatts.com

 

Jeffrey Platts is passionate about helping men and women connect more deeply and authentically, both in dating and in life.  Jeffrey’s typical clients are everyday men and women who are interested in self-awareness and shifting their perspective of themselves, dating and love. His philosophy is not based on tricks or complex theories, but on solid practices and mindsets that get to the core of what makes you most attractive and approachable. 

 

 

Michelle Ezra Jacoby

 

 

Michelle Ezra Jacoby

Owner, DC Matchmaking

www.dcmatchmaking.com

 

DC Matchmaking is a discreet, upscale boutique matchmaking company for attractive, successful commitment-minded singles in DC, MD and VA offering matchmaking, dating and relationship coaching.

 

 

 

 

 

QUESTION & ANSWERS

 

 

 Q1:  RITA – HOW DID YOU GET 35 DATES IN 35 CONSECUTIVE DAYS?  I CAN’T EVEN GO ON 35 DATES IN A YEAR!

 

A:  I asked!!  Trust me, when I came up with the idea for this project, I didn’t think that it would all come together.  So imagine my surprise when, within 2 weeks, I had 35 consecutive dates scheduled!  I e-mailed my friends, who e-mailed it to their friends/co-workers/family who e-mailed it to their contacts and so on and so on.  I utilized Match.com as well.  When I asked the dates why they decided to go they all said the same thing – it sounded different and fun!  I think by taking the pressure off of the date having to have any ulterior motive/meaning, guys felt comfortable to just go and meet someone!

 

Most importantly, I didn’t say NO to anyone (unless my schedule was full).  Really, it means I didn’t filter as I might have normally done outside of this 35/35 project.  Age, race, profession – none of it mattered.  If they asked, I said yes.  What’s the harm in simply meeting a person?  You never know why you are meant to cross paths until you let it happen! 

 

 

Q2:  RITA – AREN’T YOU TIRED??  WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO AFTER THE 35TH DATE?

 

A:  Yes, I did get tired!  But, every time that I would be out on the date, I would be having so much fun and would feel this crazy amount of energy!  I was so glad, each and every time, that I didn’t talk myself out of going to see the guy.  It really wasn’t the “dating” that was so tiring but, honestly, the writing afterwards.  Still, it became like any other routine you put into your schedule (gym, school, etc.).  My body adjusted!

 

After my last date?  I’m going to do laundry!!  In terms of dating, I’m not going to stop.  Some of the 35 have asked me on second dates, and I intend to go and I haven’t ruled out future dates with people who weren’t part of this 35 project.  I plan on meeting people and experiencing new things!   I rediscovered the city, found some new activities I enjoy and plan to just continue living life and taking mine by the reins and having a great time!

 

 

Q3:  DID YOU REALLY FIND 35 GUYS TO PAY YOUR WAY ON 35 DIFFERENT DATES OR DID YOU GO BROKE ALL IN THE NAME OF A SOCIAL PROJECT?

 

A:  The date “paying my way” was never a requirement for this project.  In fact, some dates didn’t cost any money at all (walking around the monuments) or were minimal in cost (coffee).  I offered each and every time to split the date down the middle.  Some of the dates allowed me to and others absolutely refused any offer to share the cost.  It wasn’t something that was discussed before hand and it wasn’t an expectation.  It was really no different from real life dates and that question of “who pays?” 

 

 

Q4:  WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THE 34 LEFT OVERS (AS I ASSUME ONE OF THE 35 WILL CLICK)?

 

A:  Well, as of right now, I came out of the 35 Project still single (as I should be)!  I clicked with a few of the dates and will see them again.  Still, as for ALL of them, whether I clicked with them or not – I feel they are great men and I would like to most definitely share them with the world!  I’ve been thinking of having a cocktail party or some other type of gathering where any of the 35 dates can attend and, of course, any ladies who would like to meet them.  It’s my hope that each and every one of them find their love before too long – they all deserve it!

 

 

Q5:  IS THERE ANY INFORMATION ON THE DATES THAT YOU AREN’T SHARING IN THE BLOG?

 

A:  Yes.  Not all of the information is making it into the blog.  Usually because it didn’t fit within the overall theme of the specific post.  Other information because I don’t feel it’s appropriate to link to specified individuals and also, some things you just want to keep private.  (And, yes, I do plan on turning this into a book eventually and am saving some of the interesting info that didn’t fit into a post for that!)

 

 

Q6:  WHAT WILL YOU DO WITH THE BLOG AFTER THE 35/35 PROJECT ENDS?

 

A:  Oh, I am so glad you asked!!!  It’s not going ANYWHERE.  In fact, it’s only just beginning!!  Of course, there will be more dates and more stories.  However, I’ll still be working and interacting with the dating coaches and other life coaches and plan to share their information.  The site will be revamped to become more interactive allowing the readers to contribute and direct how the site flows as well.  Also, I’ll be doing reviews on events and places where singles will want to go.  And trust me, much much more.  I think you guys will really like what’s coming!

 

 

Q7:  HOW DOES A MATCHMAKER WORK?

 

A (Michelle Ezra Jacoby):  As a matchmaker, I work with a small group of clients, each for a one-year term.  I get to know my clients extremely well so that I understand who they are on the deepest level and also what they are looking for in a partner.  I interview each potential match personally (face-to-face), run background investigations, coordinate schedules and arrange dates (make dinner reservations), am “on call” the evening of the date, get feedback from both parties and provide necessary coaching.  During the year that I work with my clients, I make myself extremely accessible, provide unlimited introductions, work extremely hard and strive to make each client feel that he/she is my only client!  Together we go on a journey, that in the end, often leads to love.  It’s wonderful!

 

 

Q8:  WHAT KINDS OF PEOPLE USE A MATCHMAKER?

 

A (Michelle Ezra Jacoby):   My clients are exceptional. They are attractive, educated, savvy, and successful. I work with high-caliber singles who are ready for and committed to finding long-term relationships.  My clients hire me because they are too busy to find dates on their own and want to outsource the search.  Typically, they do not want to participate in the “singles scene”.  Some of my clients are single parents who want to utilize their time so they can focus on their children.  It all comes down to how you want to spend your time and the opportunities you create (or fail to create) for yourself.  I find, screen interview and arrange the dates.  All my clients have to do is show up and enjoy a fun evening with a quality person!

 

 

Q9:  WHY SHOULD I HIRE A MATCHMAKER?

 

A (Michelle Ezra Jacoby):  If you’re too busy to make the effort, if you’ve been picking the wrong kind of men or women for yourself, if you want to cast a wider net and meet people you wouldn’t normally have the opportunity to meet, or if you’ve been talking the talk but have failed to walk the walk, then you might want to hire a matchmaker. A (good) matchmaker will introduce you to quality singles and then coach you to success.   If you are dedicated to putting in the time and making a huge effort on your own, then you probably won’t need a matchmaker.  But if you prefer to sit back, relax and have someone else do the work for you, matchmaking might be a great option.

 

 

Q10:  WHY IS IT SO HARD TO GET A GUY TO COMMIT?

 

A (Dave Elliott):   I can guarantee that if you’re finding it hard to get a guy to commit, it’s because you are communicating on your values and not his necessarily.  As the masculine partner, it’s his job to be the hunter, not the prey. (Trust me, you wouldn’t want it any other way…unless, of course, you like weak, indecisive men you can push around).  A man will actually make a quick decision and take a woman off the market when he is offered a deal that is too good to pass up…men are competitive by nature and won’t want to lose an amazing woman to someone else. I would suggest you ask a better question. Instead of how do I get him to commit, ask how can I understand exactly what he needs and wants…and assuming that’s a match with what you want…then, how can I confidently demonstrate my value to him while remaining 100% true to what I need and want? Ask a better question, get a better result.

 

 

Q11:  IT SEEMS INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT TO FIND SOMEONE READY TO SETTLE DOWN.  IS THAT JUST A DC THING?

 

A (Michelle Ezra Jacoby):   It’s hard everywhere, to be honest.  But in DC, we’re so incredibly work focused!  In fact, I think many singles use work as a crutch.  It’s easy to fill our time and our calender with work related activities when we should be making more of an effort to meet other singles.  I ask my coaching clients if they think they would be getting different results if they devoted 20% of the effort to dating that they devote to their work.  The answer is always YES.

 

 

Q12:  WHAT HAPPENS IN DATE COACHING?  IS IT LIKE THERAPY? ARE THERE ASSIGNMENTS? IS IT AFFORDABLE?

 

A (Jess McCann):  Dating coaches do many things, but in general we help people achieve their relationships goals. Often, it is the case that men and women unknowingly do (or don’t do) something that is preventing them for finding or maintaining the relationship they want. It’s my job to find out what that something is. By asking good questions, analyzing past patterns and using certain evaluating techniques, I can usually determine the root of a client’s problem fairly quickly. Then it’s just a matter of formulating a plan to help them tweak (or at times, completely renovate) their behavior going forward.” It’s not like therapy because it’s a forward moving process and therapy usually deals with reconciling one’s past.  I do a little of that but only in order to formulate a plan for the future!  There are always homework assignments – the majority of change happens not when you are sitting on my couch, but what you do when you are out on your own living life.  (Note from Rita – Jess McCann is offering a special to all of my blog readers.  Find out more by contacting her via www.jessmccann.com)

 

A (Dave Elliott):  As a relationship coach, I teach people the skills and awareness that make the difference between success and struggle. After each session, we have action items to address or act upon between sessions. The difference between coaching and therapy is that in therapeutic intervention, problems are addressed from point of origin (i.e. your childhood). In coaching, I focus on where you are now, where you want to be, and together, we create a plan to help you get you there. Along the way, I provide teaching, support, encouragement and real-time feedback that keeps you accountable for the result you want to create. As for whether my rates are affordable, I would ask the clients who called off a filed divorce and the accompanying division of assets and attorney fees or I would ask the ones who doubled their household income by getting married or engaged. In addition, I offer my clients who are committed to results a sliding scale on my rates because I believe those who commit deserve the very best pricing.  (Note from Rita – Dave is offering a special to all readers of this blog, so please contact him for more information!)

 

 

Q13:  DON’T GUYS ONLY WANT PHYSICALLY FIT GIRLS?  DOES IT MATTER WHAT YOUR INSIDES ARE LIKE IF YOUR OUTSIDES DON’T MATCH?

 

A (Jeffrey Platts):  No matter what your body type or physical characteristics, there ARE people out there that are attracted to exactly that type.  While looks are what people might be attracted to initially, it’s personality, values and energy that has them want to be around you long-term.  At the same time, there is something very attractive about a man or woman who takes care of the body he or she has.  When you work out, eat healthy, dress well, it shows that you have respect for yourself and value who you are.  Embrace the body you have and do your best to make it healthy, strong and well-dressed.

 

 

Q14:   I KEEP GETTING TERRIBLE RESPONSES TO MY ONLINE DATING PROFILE.  WHAT’S UP WITH THAT?

 

A (Michelle Ezra Jacoby):  Do you have great photos?  If they’re not exceptional, you won’t get good results.  Online dating is very visual, and your photos are probably 80% of your profile.  I recommend having professional photos taken.  Have them taken in a casual outdoor setting.  When it comes to your essay, keep it light, breezy, positive and fun.  Show – don’t tell about yourself.  Instead of saying you have a good sense of humor, write a funny profile.  Instead of saying you’re “adventurous”, tell the reader about one of your adventures! I work with my coaching clients to help them understand how to brand themselves online. I point out that different kinds of bait catch different kinds of fish.  You must write your profile to attract the kind of person you wish to meet.  I help my coaching clients to date online effective so that they get the very best results with the smallest investment of their time.  There is a right way and a wrong way to date online. This article may be helpful: http://www.yourtango.com/experts/michelle-jacoby/12-common-online-dating-mistakes.

 

 

Q15:  HOW LONG SHOULD YOU WAIT BEFORE SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE?

 

A (Dave Elliott):  Honestly, I don’t believe in hard and fast rules so will resist in setting what could be an artificial or arbitrary amount of time because there are far too many variables. Here’s what I can tell you for certain. Men and women are wired in reverse. A woman in her feminine cannot open to sex until she fails safe and protected enough to be vulnerable, which for some, feels like love. The challenge is that the masculine tends to open to love through sex or physical intimacy. Can you see the dilemma? Of course, there are always variations in individual human behavior but by and large, that’s the way it works no matter how people behave. My best advice is that using sex as a means to get, catch or keep someone often ends up in pain…so be clear on that before you even consider it. If you are truly attracted to someone and feel like you have developed the emotional intimacy to share your love freely with them with no expectation in return, then by all means, sharing love and intimacy are beautiful gifts. Now, I know people will get hung up on the “no expectation” part…but here’s the secret: no one wants to feel trapped or obligated to do something. When love is freely given and received, people WANT TO come back…freely and of their own will.

 

A (Jess McCann):  Ideally you should wait until you are in a committed relationship for a period of time with the guy.  Most girls who sleep with a guy before then run the risk of falling in love with someone who isn’t fully invested in the relationship yet, or may never be.  Even if a woman sleeps with someone who she’s not sure she wants a relationship with is at risk – because, quite often, after she has sex several times, she becomes emotionally attached anyway. 

 

 

 

Q16:    SHOULD GIRLS ASK GUYS OUT?  IN PERSON?  ONLINE?  SHOULD GIRLS INITIATE A 2ND DATE?

 

A (Jess McCann):  No, a girl should not ask a guy out.  She can initiate a conversation with a guy by using an “icebreaker” to strike up a conversation, but a girl should never flat-out ask a guy out.  If he’s interested he will ask her.  A girl can reach out to a guy online first, and suggest a coffee date to actually meet for the first time  (this is just to see if there is any mutual chemistry)  but once she has met the guy in person, it is his turn to do all the asking. 

 

A (Dave Elliott):  A huge part of what I teach is understanding how polarity really works. I compare it to another natural law called gravity that’s always in effect and never stops working whether you understand it or not. In order to have attraction, you need to have one partner in masculine and one in feminine. Of course there are exceptions to the rule but most of the time, relationships work best when the man is in his masculine and he does the pursuing…that’s what hunters do. That being said, the one thing that attracts the masculine most is a woman who is appreciative and open to receiving his gifts. So instead of asking guys out, I would definitely encourage women to let men know when they appreciate him and specifically notice when he does something well and praise that. Most men would tell you there’s nothing more attractive than a women who knows how to be open and vulnerable…yet at the same time understands that the pursuit is part of the process.

 

 

 Q17: HOW DO YOU BREAK THE ICE WITH SOMEONE?

A (Jess McCann):  Take a look at your surroundings.  If you are at a bar, ask the guy next to you if there are any happy hour specials, or to pass you a menu (that’s how I met my husband.)  You don’t have to break the ice with something witty, the point is not to wow the guy – it’s to let him know that you are friendly and willing to chat.  If he is interested, he will keep the conversation going.  Same thing online.  Take notice of something in someone’s profile – maybe they kite board, or used to live in Alaska.  Those are unique things. Ask a question about them to break the ice.  Just remember to K.I.S.S. all your emails – that stands for Keep it short and simple.

 

 

Q18:  WHAT ARE HABITS IN WOMEN THAT MEN JUST HATE?  TRUE DEAL BREAKERS?

 A (Dave Elliott):  There are 3 cardinal sins that will pretty much get you dumped quickly…especially by a good man who insists on a woman of character. First of all, never come across as unappreciative of his gifts and what he provides or act as if it’s just simply expected. Secondly, don’t act clingy or needy and try to tie a man down and limit his options without offering him something better in return. Most women fail to appreciate just how hard-wired it is for a man to live and die yearning for freedom because she’s just not wired that way. Lastly, if you don’t want him to try to change or manipulate you, don’t do it to him. Of course, everyone has their own unique “pet peeve” list (which was created by someone else messing up before you) but those 3 are pretty universal.

 

 

 

Q19:  WHAT IS AUTHENTIC GAME NIGHT?  WHAT IS BEING AUTHENTIC?  IS IT SAYING WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY, CONSEQUENCES BE DAMNED?!

 

A (Jeffrey Platts):  By “authentic” we simply mean that each person is known, loved and celebrated for all of who they are — their unique gifts, AS WELL AS their quirky insecurities, kinks and blind spots. There is no cookie-cutter mold for how you “should” be or what relating “should look like”. It’s about acknowledgement, raw honesty, feedback & reflection AND fun, laughter & play. Yes, it does involve more honesty and going outside your comfort zone, but it doesn’t mean just blurting out things without sensitivity or regard for the other person. By “games” we mean fun, highly interactive partner and group exercises that demonstrate and explore relating, getting to know yourself better while at the same time learning to see and appreciate more about everyone you connect with. It’s exploring the art of relating with people.   (Note from Rita – Jeffrey’s next Authentic Games Night is in DC on October 15th.  Find out more at www.jeffreyplatts.com)

 

 

Q20:  HOW DO YOU END A BAD RELATIONSHIP?

 

A (Dave Elliott):  How do you get the courage to leave? There’s really no substitute for a healthy self-esteem and clarity on what you really want to attract into your life. When people stay long after they should, it usually comes down to either not believing they deserve better…or not believing they’ll find better which is all about a scarcity mindset. Both of those beliefs are severely skewed and with coaching can be eliminated. The sad truth is there are people out there right now…ones you probably know…who stay in poor relationships…or avoid them all together because they don’t realize there is another option available.

 

 

Q21:  WHAT ARE SOME TIPS FOR SPEED DATING EVENTS?!

 

A (Jess McCann):  Have fun! Be present. Don’t think or drink too much!

 

 

Q22:  WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO APPROACH SOMEONE WHO CATCHES YOUR EYE?

 

A (Jess McCann):  Use the SEE factor.  It stands for Smile, Eye Contact, Energy.  If you see a guy that you think is cute, smile at him and maintain good eye contact for 10-15 seconds.  This will let him know that if he approaches you, he will not be shot down.  It’s also important to exude a good positive energy while doing this. 

 

 

Q23:   I’VE BEEN TOLD I’M A “MASCULINE” WOMAN (AND NOT IN TERMS OF PHYSICAL APPEARANCE).  WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? DOES BEING MORE FEMININE MEAN I HAVE TO WEAR DRESSES, KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT AND DO WHAT THE GUY SAYS?

 

A (Dave Elliott):  There’s a huge difference between traditional gender roles and the core energy that you were born with inside of you. I really do understand the confusion and to be fair, there’s a lot of men out there who’ve been turned into wimpy pleasers by the well-intended feminine women who raised them, oftentimes on their own. There are tremendous upsides to being a powerful, independent woman at work…but the downside is if you stay in that mode 24/7, in order to have polarity where opposites attract…you will call in a man who is unempowered and reliant on you. For some, that will work…for most, I suspect it would be repulsive. The truth is, we all have both energies within us – and we have the operational flexibility to access what we need, when we need it. (By the way, that explains how so many powerful, independent women got that way in the 1st place). Bottom line; here’s the most important point to all of this – if you’re all-powerful and totally independent on your own – what would you even need a man for anyway? You simply need to create a space for a man to serve you…and the right one will…gladly.

 

 

Q24:  I AM DIVORCED (CHEATED ON) AND NOW I SEEM TO ONLY FIND EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE MEN!  HOW DO I CHANGE THAT PATTERN?

 

A (Jess McCann):  How do you change any bad dating pattern? There are unfortunately a lot of people out there that aren’t right for you.  You have to keep in mind that 99% of the men you date will NOT work out.  You are only going to end up with one person, so it doesn’t really matter that you went on 50 dates with 50 duds. What matters is that you keep a good attitude and don’t get frustrated while you are sifting through the slush pile, so to speak. The key to breaking a pattern is to recognize what kind of men does not work for you, and the early signs that men give you on a date that tell you he’s in that category.  Then instead of doing what you used to do and holding on and hoping for the best, you move on to someone else. This is why it is so important to “Fill the Funnel” when dating. 

 

 Q25:  DATING IS OVERWHELMING!  STRESSFUL!  WHAT CAN I DO TO TAKE THE PRESSURE OFF AND JUST HAVE FUN?

 

A (Jeffrey Platts):  It all comes down to perspective. If you’re not enjoying yourself, take a step back and look at what you are DOING and how your THINKING that is making is stressful for you.  Are you putting pressure on yourself to find “The One” or be in a relationship right away?  Do you go into first dates as job interviews?  Is the rest of your life enjoyable so that dating is more like icing on the cake and not your sole source of fun?  Dating is supposed to be fun and enjoyable, so find some ways of thinking about dating that feel good to you as you think it.

  

 

THANK YOU to Dave, Jess, Jeffrey and Michelle for taking time out of their regularly scheduled days to answer these questions! 

HAVE MORE QUESTIONS??!

There will be future Q&A sessions with a variety of experts!  Questions about dating, relationships, wardrobe, make-up, fitness, Washington, DC – anything!  Submit them to Rita@singlesinthesuburbs.com

 

Scrapes, Bruises and Dating – Oh My! (Date 30 of 35)

“Don’t let go!” I screamed, as Dana pushed my bike down the cul-de-sac.  “I won’t,” she promised.  I was peddling as fast as I could.  The white tassels on my purple Huffy bike were blowing in the wind.  I was gripping the handle bars with all of my might.  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Dana standing to the side of the street.  I looked back and there was no one behind me!  I was riding my bike on my own!  Suddenly, the bike began to wobble.  I lost my balance and came crashing down onto the hard pavement, scraping up both knees and an elbow.  There was blood trickling down my leg.  Dana looked at me with concern in her eyes but I just smiled!  I pulled myself back up, hopped up on my bike and pedaled off towards my house.  From that day on, I rode my bike everywhere.

 

Almost like the Huffy that I owned!

 

I forget why, or when, it happened.  I think I was 9.  Maybe 11.  At some point, I just stopped riding my bike.  And I never rode again.  Until this past Saturday, when John suggested that we ride a portion of the Mount Vernon Trail for date 30!  He rented me a bike from Wheel Nuts Bike Shop in Old Town Alexandria and we pushed it outside.  I looked at the bike and back to him.  “Are you ready?” he asked.  I shook my head no and suggested that we head across the street to a parking lot so that I could practice.  After all, it had been about 26 years since I’d been on a bike!

We made our way to the parking lot and he held the bike for me as I hopped on.  (Even the shortest bike is never short enough for me!)  I asked him not to let go until I was ready.  He promised he wouldn’t.  I started to pedal and felt him let go!  But I wasn’t ready yet!  I felt the bike wobble.  Images of me, as a kid, crashing down on the pavement, covered in blood, flooded my mind and I immediately stopped.  This scenario replayed itself in a loop for about 10 minutes.  “I have no balance!” I said.  “Maybe you DO forget how to ride a bike?”  “Nonsense,” John replied.  “You know how to do this, you are just scared of falling.”  “And getting hurt,” I added.  But I wasn’t there to quit.  And I wasn’t going to let myself fail.  So I hopped back on the bike, cleared my mind of all thoughts, let go of all fear and told John he could let go.  And suddenly I was off!  And not wobbling!  Not falling!  Riding a bike for the first time in about 26 years!  “We’d better not stop!” I yelled out to John.  “Let’s keep this momentum going!”  He laughed and rode out in front of me and we were on our way!

 

First time in about 26 years!

 

 We rode down the trail to Daingerfield Island where we stopped to take some photos.  I’m sorry to say that I never knew this park existed!  It’s a 106-acre site that hosts sailing, fishing, sports and even has a restaurant.  You can picnic outside and watch the sailboats pass by or enjoy the view of the monuments across the Potomac.  The weather was beautiful and the “island” was packed.  “Ready to go back?” John asked.  “No WAY!” I said, so we kept going!

 

Daingerfield Island

 

We returned my bike and I gave him a hug goodbye, thanking him for getting me to do something that I once used to love but was sure I would never do again.  He had been so patient and kind and helped me let go of the “fear” I had from past experiences giving me the confidence I needed!  All said and done, we rode for about 10 miles.  Not that long of a ride for your regular biker but a huge deal for me! 

 

Date 30, John

 

On the way home, I couldn’t help but laugh at how afraid I had been – to ride a bike!  Thinking that I had forgotten, when really it was just fear keeping me from being able to succeed.  All because I could remember what it was like to get hurt by falling.  But, when I was a kid, I didn’t care!  I’d ignore the scrapes.  Ignore the bruises.  Slap a band-aid on the injury and get right back up on the bike!  Because I knew how fun it was and how great it felt!

And really, isn’t that how I’ve approached dating?  I’ve been afraid at times.  Afraid that I’ve forgotten how to “date” correctly.  Afraid that I’m not worthy of a new relationship.  Afraid that I will be rejected.  Afraid of getting hurt.  And this fear is what keeps me from being able to succeed.   It keeps me from putting myself in positions to meet people.  And, even if I do meet someone, this fear keeps me from feeling free to be myself.  It keeps me from being truly authentic.

My past relationships have left scars that have long since healed.  The wounds from my breakup with Aces, those wounds were fresh.  But, this 35/35 project, has been my equivalent of a band-aid.  At the beginning, I remembered what it was like to get hurt.  To feel pain.  But over the course of this project, I learned to clear my mind of those memories.  To let go of fear.  And that has allowed me to put myself in positions to meet fabulous people and do amazing things.  Sure, things have been wobbly and I’ve fallen multiple times along the way.  I’ve gotten scraped and bruised.  And I felt some hurt and some pain.  But, each time, I’ve picked myself right up, ignored the scrapes and the bruises and got back out there.  Because I remember, I know, how fun and great dating can feel once you let go of the fear and just enjoy the ride!

Life is like riding a bicycle – in order to keep your balance, you must keep moving. 

~Albert Einstein